“What’s wrong with me?!” “This should be easier!” “I shouldn’t feel this way!” Sound familiar? Even if you’re not aware that you tell yourself these things, you might be familiar with the feelings they bring up: frustration, exasperation, anxiety, disappointment, hopelessness. They all share the same basic belief – I am not good enough. When we struggle, sometimes we’re hard on ourselves for struggling; we want to rush through uncomfortable feelings and be done with them! Little do we know, our effort to rid ourselves of these uncomfortable feelings might be making them more intense!
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I often hear from highly sensitive people (HSPs) how different and alone they feel. “I’m too sensitive,” “I need to grow a thicker skin,” “Why can’t I just let it go like everyone else?” are common refrains. Such beliefs often stem from a lifetime of conscious and unconscious messages from well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning people about how there’s something wrong with the way you are. And, the reality is--highly sensitive people are not the norm. We know this because research has found that 15-20% of people in any given population in any given culture carry the personality trait of being highly sensitive.
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You realize that your teen has been spending even more time alone in their room lately. You practically have to drag them out for dinner, and you’ve given up on wishing they would just voluntarily play on their phone in the den, much less actually hang out with the family. Perhaps they’re doing distance learning, but why do they insist on always being in their room? When you ask how they are, you get a shrug and “fine” as they walk away. You notice they haven’t asked to get together with friends lately either. When you do see your kid, they always seem so low energy and tired.
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Do you ever feel like everybody needs something from you and all you want is time to yourself? Do you try to take time for yourself but struggle with guilt or worry about “neglecting” others? Finding the balance between our needs and others’ can be a struggle. Many of us have received messages from the time we were young to do as we’re told, that being “good” is saying “yes” to everyone, and that prioritizing ourselves is selfish. How can we be there for others without losing our minds? And how can we prioritize ourselves without feeling selfish.
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Don't get me wrong; I like the holidays. Or at least most of what the holidays are about. But sometimes they can be somewhat overwhelming. I like Christmas music, but hearing it everywhere 24/7 for two months is too much for me. I also like holiday parties. But seven family gatherings, five friend parties and three work shebangs in one month can weigh me down.
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I don’t have to tell you that being a parent or support person to a teen is HARD work! Teens are in such a unique stage developmentally--not quite an adult but not quite a child either (although you may beg to disagree at times ;) ). They’re developing the capacity to question, explore, and generate their own ideas and beliefs about the world while their growing brains can cause them to crave intensity (loud music, new experiences) and be highly emotional and impulsive. It can be a tricky combination!
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The idea that we can and should control everything isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Having control may be presented as "empowering” but it also sends the message that we’re failures if we can’t control something. For example, self-help programs that claim you can improve your relationships through being more assertive may be well-intentioned but unless they're saying "being more assertive may improve your relationships with certain people", they might be inadvertently feeding into the idea that you're responsible for the way others behave toward you. Others’ behavior is not something we can control yet we’re sometimes led to believe we can make others treat us better and that it's our fault when they treat us poorly.
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Imagine that you’re at a party or gathering at a friend’s house. As a highly sensitive person, you may have felt some anxiety or dread about going to the party and having to make small talk. Some of the folks in attendance are friends, and you gravitate toward talking to them. But, you notice a couple of people who hang back and don’t seem to know many others. Your empathy kicks in, and you decide to go chat with them to help them feel more welcome. While you’re talking, another person or two joins in the conversation and brings up a political issue you care about deeply. As you passionately discuss the matter, you add in how you cannot understand anyone who thinks otherwise. The person you initially approached quietly says, “I disagree” and wanders away.
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Is there someone in your life who saw you and could show you the gem that you inherently hold? This is one of the basic needs we experience as human beings. It's natural and normal to want to be surrounded by people who can hold us in a safe and compassionate space. It's deeply imperative for our self development as we continually learn through observing the folks around us (i.e. our parents, grandparents, friends, neighbors, etc). They show us their views and values, what's “acceptable'' or not and how they treat others and how they accept treatment. We begin to interpret this as our truths and frame our way of seeing the world.
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So, you’ve decided. After all the internal deliberation, it is clear to you that your romantic relationship needs to end. It’s time to break up. But how the heck will you do it?
You may be running through all sorts of possible scenarios in your head, imagining best and worst outcomes, preparing what to say and what definitely NOT to say. There are some decisions to make regarding the “when”, “where”, and especially the “how” of all of this, and it is a lot to sort out! Here are a few factors to examine when initiating the severing of the relationship.
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Do you ever feel frustrated when you're trying to figure out where the voice of your inner critic came from? Or why it's so strong? Perhaps your therapist has even asked you this in sessions and you repeatedly draw a blank. This can be so frustrating when we're trying to make sense of things and find some relief.
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If we can let go of the dogma, the expectations, the institution of religion, the threat of morality etc. and can look at spirituality from the lens of “ that which we cannot see”, or curiosity, it can lead us into a world of supportive practices that are not just helpful to the soul (whether or not you believe in that sort of thing) but can also be helpful to our mental health.
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Self-harm is a scary and uncomfortable topic that is often kept hidden and seen as a shameful secret or as a dramatic attention seeking behavior. However, the more this issue is kept hidden and seen as shameful the longer it is able to persist and go untreated.
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The Tower. One of the most feared images and archetypes in the Tarot. A symbol of significant, profound change, often unwanted and unexpected. The kind of change that might invite symptoms that meet criteria for an adjustment disorder. Debilitating sadness, grief, fear, dread, anger, confusion. All difficult feelings we might experience with a life altering moment such as a death, a trauma, divorce, eviction, a traumatic injury, or job loss. When we are in the throes of The Tower, it can be difficult to see which way is up and which way is down. It requires a certain kind of surrender as these walls come crashing down, for resisting this change would only lead to injury or destruction.
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Ever notice that taking responsibility can feel scary sometimes? Like you'd rather let someone else make decisions for you? Or maybe you avoid taking control of your finances because you feel bad at math or you feel ashamed you don't know more about budgeting. Perhaps you leave everything up to the universe and hope for the best while fearing the worst. You are NOT alone!
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