I don’t have to tell you that being a parent or support person to a teen is HARD work! Teens are in such a unique stage developmentally--not quite an adult but not quite a child either (although you may beg to disagree at times ;) ). They’re developing the capacity to question, explore, and generate their own ideas and beliefs about the world while their growing brains can cause them to crave intensity (loud music, new experiences) and be highly emotional and impulsive. It can be a tricky combination!
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Lately, in my personal and professional life, I have noticed a common theme. What I have noticed is how hard it can be to make the transition from having a child in the home to having one out of the home. I wanted to create a guide to assist “empty nesters” with living a full life after their child has moved out. If you have been able to raise an independent child, that is a sign that you have found some success as a parent! Unfortunately, after celebrating this milestone many parents are left wondering what to do without kids around.
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With Summer moving swiftly towards a new school year, many parents are faced with the inevitability of their child leaving home and taking another step towards independence and adulthood . Some may be going to college locally or far away, some may be moving out with friends, working more hours, or traveling. Whatever life changes your family is experiencing during this time, there is a shift that will begin to happen for families during this period that is important to acknowledge. For the past eighteen or so years, a parent's focus has been on attending to the needs of the family, their children, and themselves. In the next month or two, a very distinct shift occurs for many families when a young adult leaves home. For those of you not in this boat yet, remember that days are long and years are short, and this moment will be upon you soon enough!
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Parenting is already such a challenge, let alone parenting a teenager when you’re all stuck at home. Both parents and teens may feel overwhelmed by the amount of time together without the typical outlets of work or school with friends and colleagues. On top of that, we may be dealing with boredom, fear, and grief as we navigate complex losses resulting from the pandemic. Regardless of our individual situations, we all need support in navigating these unprecedented circumstances.
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A question I hear a lot from parents in the therapy room is, “Where do I draw the line?” Some things may be clear, but there’s a lot of nuance. Do I limit their screen time, and if so, how without starting WWIII? Do I monitor their social media? How much should I watch over their grades and hound them about homework, or do I let them face the consequences for themselves? What’s acceptable for them to wear, and should I dictate clothing choices? Is any alcohol or drug use okay? What about sex?
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“You just don’t get it, Mom!” I definitely said that hundreds of times during my own adolescence in a variety of moods, facial expressions, and tones of voice. I often felt misunderstood and sometimes sought out arguments with my parents to prove it to myself. My friends and I would vent about how our parents could never know what we were going through, considering how much ‘older’ they were! I laugh at that now after having my own children and realizing how much more complicated parenthood is than I ever thought when I was a teen.
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Sometimes it can seem like teens completely tune out (or want nothing to do with) adults, especially authority figures, even more so--their parents. This can leave parents feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. “He’s not getting his homework done, but how am I supposed to get him on the right track when he won’t listen to me?!” “She seems irritable and agitated a lot these days, but when I ask what’s wrong, she rolls her eyes or grumbles, ‘nothing.’ How do I get through to her?”
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Recently, I learned about a smartphone app that left me confused and shaking my head in wonderment. By the way, anyone else here feel like there’s some NEW app or online program or device to worry about Every. Single. Day? Uh huh, me too. No wonder so many parents and families and schools are trying to sort out how to educate and protect kids in this millennium!
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Boredom for many parents is a scary word. Whenever I mention it to the families I work with I get a physical reaction of wide eyes and nervous, terrified giggles or full-on snorts of disbelief. Anxiety creeps over their faces ,and they shake their heads at me and mumble ‘no way’ or ‘that won’t last long…’ I get it. Kids in an instant gratification age/era is tough! It can almost feel impossible. But I’m here to tell you--it’s a crucial ingredient to growing up.
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