1614 X St., Suite A
Sacramento, CA 95818
US
916-287-3430
ivy@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
Thrive Therapy & Counseling provides high quality therapy to Highly Sensitive People and to kids, teens or adults struggling with anxiety, depression or self-esteem.
This blog is written by a therapist in midtown Sacramento and focuses on the concerns and struggles of highly sensitive people (HSPs) and of kids, teens and adults struggling with depression, anxiety or just trying to figure out what they want for themselves. There's help and hope through counseling and therapy!
Filtering by Category: self care
As you prepare for the onslaught of holiday cheer, I want you to sit with me here and just take a moment for yourself; to breathe, and to be. Slowly breathe in and out. And as you slowly breathe in I want you to call to mind a stress or worry on your shoulders . . .
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I don't want to be a burden.
I don't wanna put my stuff on other people.
I don't want to seem weak or needy.
These phrases might be familiar if you've learned that it's not okay to have needs, or that others’ needs are more important than yours. There are a number of reasons this might be the case: you might be an HSP (highly sensitive person), you might have grown up in a family where needs weren't discussed, you might have received messages from the dominant culture that your needs are unimportant, maybe all of the above. You might believe that the only way you can get love is by suppressing your needs, but it actually might be hurting your relationships.
Being Vulnerable Can Be Scary
One could easily think that being vulnerable is natural and comfortable for HSPs, but that’s not necessarily the case. If you grew up in an environment in which there was no room for your needs, having or expressing them might feel painful or even threatening. You might have started suppressing your needs, or even denying you have them, at a very young age. But having needs for compassion, affection, and respect are as natural as the needs for food and sleep. Without them, we cannot thrive.
Resentment
Feeling vulnerable emotions like sadness and disappointment help us to identify our needs and express them, giving others a chance to meet them if they're able and willing. When we suppress our needs for fear of being a burden, we add another need on top of our original needs – the need to be appreciated for staying silent. We may find that over time, we become resentful of the other person for not recognizing how hard we're working not to be a burden. For HSPs, having a kind and generous spirit may be a big part of our identity, so feelings like resentment may feel foreign or even threatening. Ultimately, these emotions are a chance for us to adapt, grow, and experience more satisfying connections.
The Chance to Be Supportive
Suppressing our needs also deprives our loved ones of opportunities to support us in meaningful ways. If you've ever learned someone was hiding their needs from you, you know how it feels to be deprived of the opportunity to be there for them. You may say to them, “I wish you'd told me sooner” – others may feel this way towards us as well. Feeling needed can be an enriching part of our relationships that helps build intimacy.
Authentic Bonds
We may also lose the opportunity to identify and develop authentic, deep connections with others if we hide our vulnerability. For example, if we suppress our desire for regular communication, we may find ourselves in relationships with people who don't communicate as often as we'd like, leaving us feeling inauthentic and dissatisfied. Whereas, if we express this need up front, we're more likely to get it met within the relationship or to realize we're not the best match. The time and energy we use suppressing our vulnerability is better spent finding people with whom we can be ourselves.
When we develop a certain pattern to help us feel safe, change can be difficult and scary. Working with a professional who understands high sensitivity can help us to develop coping tools that enhance our sense of safety and take steps toward change that feel meaningful and manageable. If you’re an HSP, and struggle with vulnerability, please reach out. We'd love to help.
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Therapist/Program Manager/Supervisor
she/her
In April, I wrote about supporting teens in a seemingly unstable world. Since then, most would agree that the world at large hasn’t gotten any more normal. Dysfunctional politics, news of humanitarian disasters and inhumane conflicts, illusionment through social media, the looming threat of unaddressed climate change, inflation and economic stress; these are part of our shared reality, the boat we’re all in together.
Read MoreWhenever someone says, “I have a surprise for you”, my first thought is usually, “Is it good or bad?”. We tend to want to put things into categories to make them more manageable. Putting something into a category may help us feel more prepared and less likely to be blindsided by something unpleasant. But putting things into black and white categories can also have drawbacks. We may find ourselves frequently categorizing people and things as bad and feeling anxious or exhausted by all the bad stuff we encounter.
Read MoreSo this message today is for all my caregivers, whether you are the adult child of an aging parent, someone who is helping their spouse through health issues, an aunt, uncle, grandparent, or even an older sibling who is looking out for a child.
Read More“I just don't want to feel as much.”
“I don't want to be as easily upset by things.”
“I just want things to roll off my back.”
If you’ve ever experienced emotional overwhelm, flooding, or intense sadness or anger in response to something someone said or did, you might have experienced reactivity. These experiences can be a lot and they can make us worry that we are a lot. Because of the automatic nature of reactivity, it can feel as though change is impossible, but there is absolutely hope and things we can do to improve our coping skills.
Read MoreFor too many of us, shame brings order to the world -- order feels like control and control feels like safety. But it's the type of safety that results from hypervigilance to threat -- an illusory safety in which we give up our enjoyment of the present moment for constant reassurance that we are not being harmed. This reassurance is so fleeting that we must constantly chase it, and that can be exhausting.
Read MoreHolding healthy boundaries is a mental health and well-being phrase that seems to get passed around a lot lately, but what does it actually mean? When we are encouraged to hold healthy boundaries we are actively taking measures to implement limits which safeguard our mental and emotional well-being. These safeguards can prevent burnout, stress, frustration, and resentment between ourselves, loved ones, friends and colleagues.
Read MoreWe’ve all had moments where we’ve been less-than-kind to ourselves. We might have struggled to accomplish something and called ourselves either out loud or internally things like failure, lazy, stupid or even worthless. In the moment, it probably doesn’t feel like such a big deal, we might even feel like we deserve it, or we minimize and tell ourselves it isn’t so bad since we only did it once or twice. But the fact of the matter is that word choice is a powerful thing, and every time we direct harsh negativity towards ourselves we are essentially feeding ourselves poison.
Read More“I want to relax but I feel constantly anxious, like the other shoe is about to drop.”
Hypervigilance can be draining and painful and sometimes makes us feel hopeless. We long for respite from the constant physical tension and the marathon of thoughts running through our heads. How do we swap our experiences of frequent anxiety and fleeting calm for more frequent calm and fleeting anxiety?
Read MoreThere can be so much anxiety when interacting with medical professionals. We wait weeks, maybe even months for an appointment, and the second we get in the room it can feel like all the air has left the space, and we might feel ourselves shrinking and pulling in. The second they start to speak it can feel like all our well grounded points and concerns were a house of cards and we have trouble asserting ourselves due to nerves or anxiety. For many this ends in deferring to the authority of the professional in the room, even if we don’t agree. When we leave we might be left feeling unheard, dissatisfied and sometimes even gaslit.
Read More“I am so tired but I can’t sleep.”
“Sometimes I don’t realize how tense I am until something starts to hurt.”
“I feel like I’m ALWAYS planning, always trying to anticipate the next thing.”
Simultaneous exhaustion and nervous energy are common experiences for people who struggle with feelings of anxiety. You desperately want to relax but your body and mind just can’t let go. We think to ourselves “If I could just plan enough, do enough, be enough, THEN I can relax.” But this rarely ever happens. How do we get out of this cycle so we can rest?
Read MoreChange is hard. We've tried a million times to change in the past and it always works for a time before slowly reverting back to the way it was before. We feel tired, disappointed, and hopeless. “Why do I even try?” we ask ourselves. “There's got to be a better way”.
Read MoreHighly Sensitive People (HSPs) possess the unique ability to experience the world with deep curiosity and intensity, often making us more attuned to life’s subtleties. In a reality filled with noise and chaos, HSPs navigate emotions in creative ways. For us sensitive souls, music goes beyond the background noise and becomes a therapeutic force - offering solace and comfort. Here are a few ways…
Read MorePre-sleep rumination is a frustrating experience that has plagued most human beings. If you too find yourself struggling to fall asleep due to rumination (when we dwell on negative feelings and distress in a repetitive manner, heightening or exacerbating anxious and depressive feelings) you may find some of the following tips helpful.
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