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Thrive Therapy & Counseling provides high quality therapy to Highly Sensitive People and to kids, teens or adults struggling with anxiety, depression or self-esteem.

Blog

This blog is written by a therapist in midtown Sacramento and focuses on the concerns and struggles of highly sensitive people (HSPs) and of kids, teens and adults struggling with depression, anxiety or just trying to figure out what they want for themselves.  There's help and hope through counseling and therapy!

Filtering by Category: relationships

“I don't want to be a burden”: How the mask of invulnerability may be hurting your relationships

Ivy Griffin

I don't want to be a burden.

I don't wanna put my stuff on other people. 

I don't want to seem weak or needy.

These phrases might be familiar if you've learned that it's not okay to have needs, or that others’ needs are more important than yours. There are a number of reasons this might be the case: you might be an HSP (highly sensitive person), you might have grown up in a family where needs weren't discussed, you might have received messages from the dominant culture that your needs are unimportant, maybe all of the above. You might believe that the only way you can get love is by suppressing your needs, but it actually might be hurting your relationships.  

Being Vulnerable Can Be Scary

One could easily think that being vulnerable is natural and comfortable for HSPs, but that’s not necessarily the case. If you grew up in an environment in which there was no room for your needs, having or expressing them might feel painful or even threatening. You might have started suppressing your needs, or even denying you have them, at a very young age. But having needs for compassion, affection, and respect are as natural as the needs for food and sleep. Without them, we cannot thrive. 

Resentment

Feeling vulnerable emotions like sadness and disappointment help us to identify our needs and express them, giving others a chance to meet them if they're able and willing. When we suppress our needs for fear of being a burden, we add another need on top of our original needs – the need to be appreciated for staying silent. We may find that over time, we become resentful of the other person for not recognizing how hard we're working not to be a burden. For HSPs, having a kind and generous spirit may be a big part of our identity, so feelings like resentment may feel foreign or even threatening. Ultimately, these emotions are a chance for us to adapt, grow, and experience more satisfying connections. 

The Chance to Be Supportive 

Suppressing our needs also deprives our loved ones of opportunities to support us in meaningful ways. If you've ever learned someone was hiding their needs from you, you know how it feels to be deprived of the opportunity to be there for them. You may say to them, “I wish you'd told me sooner” – others may feel this way towards us as well. Feeling needed can be an enriching part of our relationships that helps build intimacy.  

Authentic Bonds

We may also lose the opportunity to identify and develop authentic, deep connections with others if we hide our vulnerability. For example, if we suppress our desire for regular communication, we may find ourselves in relationships with people who don't communicate as often as we'd like, leaving us feeling inauthentic and dissatisfied. Whereas, if we express this need up front, we're more likely to get it met within the relationship or to realize we're not the best match. The time and energy we use suppressing our vulnerability is better spent finding people with whom we can be ourselves. 

When we develop a certain pattern to help us feel safe, change can be difficult and scary. Working with a professional who understands high sensitivity can help us to develop coping tools that enhance our sense of safety and take steps toward change that feel meaningful and manageable. If you’re an HSP, and struggle with vulnerability, please reach out. We'd love to help. 

Warmly,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032

Therapist/Program Manager/Supervisor 

she/her

categories healthy relationships, highly sensitive person, HSP therapy, relationships, self care
tags hsp, highly sensitive therapist, highly sensitive person, HSP self-care, burden

Calming Reactivity

Ivy Griffin

“I just don't want to feel as much.”

“I don't want to be as easily upset by things.”

“I just want things to roll off my back.”

If you’ve ever experienced emotional overwhelm, flooding, or intense sadness or anger in response to something someone said or did, you might have experienced reactivity. These experiences can be a lot and they can make us worry that we are a lot. Because of the automatic nature of reactivity, it can feel as though change is impossible, but there is absolutely hope and things we can do to improve our coping skills.

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categories complex trauma, therapy Sacramento, self care, relationships, people pleasing, improve communication, highly sensitive person
tags surviving and thriving, relationship patterns, improve relationships, improve family relationships, self esteem

Using Communication to Help Hold Healthy Boundaries

Ivy Griffin

Holding healthy boundaries is a mental health and well-being phrase that seems to get passed around a lot lately, but what does it actually mean? When we are encouraged to hold healthy boundaries we are actively taking measures to implement limits which safeguard our mental and emotional well-being. These safeguards can prevent burnout, stress, frustration, and resentment between ourselves, loved ones, friends and colleagues.

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categories codependency, healthy relationships, relationships, self care
tags surviving and thriving, setting boundaries, communication skills, healthy relationships

How To Stand In Your Power and Set Healthy Boundaries

Ivy Griffin

Something that many of us hear, but may not have been modeled is how to hold our inner power and set healthy boundaries. Standing in your power and setting healthy boundaries is essential for maintaining your well-being and cultivating healthy relationships. You might ask yourself– What does it look like to stand in your power? Standing in your power means confidently and authentically expressing yourself while taking control of your life and decisions. It involves embracing your inner strength, values, and self-worth. Now this sounds great in theory, but it isn't something that happens over night and needs conscientious practice, self awareness, and validation. I would be remiss to not address that there are various cultural, societal, and systemic oppressions that are created to take our power away. And while that may be true–

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categories codependency, healthy relationships, improve communication, relationships
tags surviving and thriving, improve relationships, setting boundaries

Dealing with Goldilocks: How to handle interacting with that person who is never satisfied

Ivy Griffin

Most of us have heard the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” and most of us have a Goldilocks in our own lives whether that is at home, at work, or amongst our friends and acquaintances. This is the person that constantly complains and is never satisfied with any advice, direction or attempts at supporting them. They often quickly dismiss any input and immediately have a reason as to why that won’t work and will say that you just don’t understand. Interacting with a Goldilocks can be incredibly frustrating especially since it can feel like we are hearing the same complaints on repeat, and they tend not to act on what we consider to be grounded and reasonable advice and solutions.

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categories healthy relationships, improve communication, relationships
tags surviving and thriving, relationship patterns, improve relationships, improve family relationships

A Healing Connection: How Pets Can be a Source of Comfort for HSPs with Anxiety

Ivy Griffin

As a Highly Sensitive Person, it is common to find yourself overwhelmed by everyday experiences in our highly stimulating and demanding world. While your empathic nature allows you to connect deeply with others, it also makes you susceptible to anxiety and emotional overload. However, there’s a furry four-legged (or scaly, feathered, winged, finned) companion you can always turn to - your pet. Our pets offer much more than just companionship; they can be a source of comfort and healing for HSPs struggling with anxiety. If you’re an HSP with a pet you adore or an HSP considering bringing a pet into your life, this blog is for you! 

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categories HSP therapy, therapy Sacramento, relationships, highly sensitive person
tags highly sensitive therapist, highly sensitive person, HSP, HSP self-care

6 Tips for Navigating Difficult Times in a Long Marriage

Ivy Griffin

Navigating difficult times in a marriage can be one of the most challenging and complex tasks any couple will ever face. With more than 20 years together, couples must contend with an array of issues such as intimacy, personality changes, kids & grandkids, active vs inactive lifestyle and much more that arise over time. It can be hard to devise answers for these predicaments, yet it is attainable if you have the right resources and information at your disposal. In this article, we'll explore 6 tips for navigating difficult times in a long marriage; from finding common ground with your spouse to exploring different forms of therapy that may help bring back connection between two partners who've been married for many years.

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categories healthy relationships, live and grow, relationships
tags surviving and thriving, improve relationships, personal growth

The Bravery in Breaking Up, Part 3 - The “Now What?”

Ivy Griffin

It’s over…Well, at least the logistical act of “breaking up” has occurred. Making the decision was tough enough, and actually enacting that decision was perhaps even harder, but nothing really feels “over” about the huge transition you’re facing right now. You may have expected to feel relieved or empowered, but the initial rush of getting what you thought would be the hard part out of the way has faded and left you with uncertainty. Is there a best way to grieve a relationship? How does one effectively move on? In other words: “Now what??”

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categories dating advice, healthy relationships, relationships
tags surviving and thriving, healthy relationships, coping with emotional pain

We Can't Control Others' Behavior

Ivy Griffin


The idea that we can and should control everything isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Having control may be presented as "empowering” but it also sends the message that we’re failures if we can’t control something. For example, self-help programs that claim you can improve your relationships through being more assertive may be well-intentioned but unless they're saying "being more assertive may improve your relationships with certain people", they might be inadvertently feeding into the idea that you're responsible for the way others behave toward you. Others’ behavior is not something we can control yet we’re sometimes led to believe we can make others treat us better and that it's our fault when they treat us poorly.

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categories codependency, dating advice, healthy relationships, improve communication, relationships
tags surviving and thriving, healthy relationships, good communication, relationship patterns

The Bravery in Breaking Up - Part 2: "The How"

Ivy Griffin

So, you’ve decided. After all the internal deliberation, it is clear to you that your romantic relationship needs to end. It’s time to break up. But how the heck will you do it?

You may be running through all sorts of possible scenarios in your head, imagining best and worst outcomes, preparing what to say and what definitely NOT to say. There are some decisions to make regarding the “when”, “where”, and especially the “how” of all of this, and it is a lot to sort out! Here are a few factors to examine when initiating the severing of the relationship.

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categories codependency, dating advice, healthy relationships, relationships
tags surviving and thriving, relationship patterns, communication in dating

The Bravery in Breaking Up - Part 1: “The If”

Ivy Griffin

The act of ending a romantic relationship is often painful even in the most amicable of circumstances, and finally coming to the decision to do so can be an extremely confusing process. Many people, understandably, have significant anxiety and trepidation about breaking up. How do you know when it’s the right time? How do you actually do it? What about all the “what ifs”?

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categories codependency, healthy relationships, relationships, therapy Sacramento
tags surviving and thriving, relationship patterns, healthy relationships, anxiety

The Importance of Grieving Relationships

Ivy Griffin

One of the hardest things we can experience in life is the realization that a relationship is not working out. I’m not just referring to romantic relationships but our relationships with friends and family as well. You’ve tried your best to communicate with the person, you may have even sought therapy for yourself or as a pair to try and resolve your struggles, but things just aren’t getting better. Or, if things do get better, it’s only for a short while and before you know it, you’re back to feeling anxious about talking with them, frustrated at not being listened to, or saddened that you’re just not able to be yourself around them.

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categories self-care, relationships, live and grow, healthy relationships
tags surviving and thriving, relationship patterns, improve relationships, self-compassion

Understanding Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)

Ivy Griffin

Since I started working with HSPs, I’ve come to notice similar themes emerge around challenges they face due to ongoing stigma for being highly sensitive. Those challenges include: negative core beliefs, wishing others were more aware of the trait, and working through the constant battle of having to conform to a world that tends to value extroversion and sometimes devalues sensitivity. I also think it is important to highlight the gifts of being an HSP and what role you may be playing in an HSP’s life.

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categories coaching for hsps, HSP therapy, improve communication, relationships
tags highly sensitive therapist, healthy relationships for HSPs, communication in relationships, highly sensitive person

Letting Go of the Compulsory "I'm Sorry"

Ivy Griffin

“Calm down.”

“You’re too sensitive!”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

These sentiments are likely all too familiar to the highly sensitive person, and in particular the highly sensitive child. Growing up, I recall countless teary eyed instances of fighting - with little success - to try to restrain the expression of my emotions, only to be met with judgment and criticism from adults and fellow children alike. Often HSPs grow up to absorb these messages and take them on as our own, which can lead to the belief that we, and our feelings are, inherently “too much”. This can lead to self-blame and guilt, and the adoption of an almost default state of apologetic being. Even if logically we now know that sensitivity is not shameful and is even in many ways a strength, letting go of these internalized ideas can be difficult. Accepting one’s sensitivity can be a slow process, but here are a few ways to start.

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categories healthy relationships, highly sensitive person, HSP therapy, relationships, therapy Sacramento
tags highly sensitive therapist, highly sensitive person, self-care, assertive communication