Dealing with Goldilocks: How to handle interacting with that person who is never satisfied
Ivy Griffin
Most of us have heard the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” and most of us have a Goldilocks in our own lives whether that is at home, at work, or amongst our friends and acquaintances. This is the person that constantly complains and is never satisfied with any advice, direction or attempts at supporting them. They often quickly dismiss any input and immediately have a reason as to why that won’t work and will say that you just don’t understand. Interacting with a Goldilocks can be incredibly frustrating especially since it can feel like we are hearing the same complaints on repeat, and they tend not to act on what we consider to be grounded and reasonable advice and solutions.
The first thing to keep in mind when interacting with a Goldilocks is that most of the time what they are looking for is acknowledgement and validation – NOT solutions. Solution-focused approaches for many of us when interacting with a Goldilocks tends to be our first instinctual response, and unfortunately tends to be the response that creates a lot of the headache for us and for them. So it may be helpful to practice pausing before responding and considering if what you want to say is a solution or acknowledgement. If it’s a solution-focused comment we might even try acknowledging it out loud perhaps like this, “You know I realized that as you were talking I could feel how stressed and frustrated you are with the situation, and I found myself really wanting to find a solution for you because I hear how much distress this is causing you, I hope things get better.” A statement like this can be helpful because it acknowledges and validates their feelings and experience which most of the time is what they are truly looking for – to be heard and to know that their pain/troubles/struggles are real and significant.
Now many of you might be thinking, “Well what if I don’t agree with them? How do I acknowledge and validate them without lying or compromising my opinions/beliefs?” A good way to manage this is to focus on the feeling they are expressing instead of the content. Try acknowledging the feeling and reflecting it back. For example let's say the emotion they are expressing is frustration, you might acknowledge and reflect the feeling back in a manner like this,“It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated with the situation, that must be tough.”
Now if your Goldilocks has exhausted the last of your patience, there are a couple things you can try: You can listen for a while, offer a little acknowledgement and validation, and then redirect the conversation to another topic, redirect them to other resources like a therapist, or it may be time to set and express firm boundaries around the topic. While this is an avenue that many of us would prefer to avoid, sometimes it just needs to be done, and sometimes until we explain to them they don’t realize the toll that listening to their ruminating takes on us.
With warm regards,
Megan Bell, LMFT # 114303
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
2131 Capitol Ave, Suite 306
Sacramento, CA, 95816