What is childhood emotional neglect?

The short answer is that Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) occurs when a child's emotional needs are not met enough of the time. See CEN In-Depth for the long answer below.

if it happened in childhood, why does it matter now?

Because we don't live in a bubble. We don't magically grow up into adults and know how to do all-the-things. Right? We have to learn. We have to be taught. A lot of CEN is about what wasn't taught. Kids learn a tremendous amount through social modeling. When they don't see how a healthy adult works through sadness or aren't held accountable for their poor choices, they don't learn how to do these things for themselves. 

So, even though you’re an adult, it doesn't mean that you know what you need to live a happy, healthy life. You may be struggling with:

• Keeping people at a distance, even though you don’t really mean to

• Feeling super uncomfy about dealing with emotions (yours or other people’s)

• Relationship issues, like not having the meaningful relationships you want in your life

• Not following through to reach the goals you set

• Feeling empty inside and like life lacks meaning

• Going through your days feeling utterly exhausted

• Minimizing and downplaying . . . the good, the bad, just about everything in your life

• Doubting yourself all the time

• Feeling overindulgent or like you’re wallowing if you’re sad or grieving or stressed out

cen in-depth

It doesn't mean that parents didn't love their kids or even that a person had a bad childhood, if you experienced CEN. It can occur in all types of families, and it's about what's missing--the emotions that didn't get recognized, understood or addressed. CEN can be hard to point to because it's more about what didn't happen than about what did. 

CEN means that from an early age a person's emotional needs went unmet. These unmet emotional needs may have included learning about feelings and how to cope with emotions that are difficult, getting hugs or pats on the back, being praised for an accomplishment or job well done, or even having boundaries set around healthy relationships and self-care.

Other examples of CEN might be:

• A parent who avoids conflict at all costs and doesn't set appropriate consequences when a child misbehaves--thus teaching the child, inadvertently, that cause and effect does not exist for their actions AND not modeling how to work through conflict

• A parent NOT checking or asking about a child's homework, which can teach the child that they don't need to be accountable or that hard work doesn't matter

• A child whose feelings aren't understood or acknowledged, which doesn't teach the child the language of emotions OR the tools for how to cope with the inevitable feelings that life brings

• A parent who lets their child eat whatever they want--cookies, donuts, Doritos--and doesn't teach the child about how to be healthy and how to set reasonable limits for themselves

The list can go on and on. Remember, CEN doesn't mean that emotional needs were neglected occasionally. No parent is perfect, and of course, all of a child's needs cannot be met all of the time. It's just not possible.

CEN does mean that those emotional needs didn't get met consistently or enough of the time.

can you have cen and be a highly sensitive person (hsp)?

Yes, this is REALLY COMMON.

To understand why consider this research - highly sensitive people have been found to be more positively impacted by good experiences AND more negatively impacted by bad experiences when compared to the general population. So, if a sensitive person has experienced any kind of abuse, neglect - including CEN - or trauma, they are likely to really carry the impact of these experiences with them.

Now, consider the statistic of how only about 60% of adults had secure attachment as children. That means that about 40% of us grew up insecurely attached - part of which means that we didn’t feel understood and seen often enough and that we didn’t get our needs met enough of the time.

Lastly, think about how 20-30% of the global population are highly sensitive people. This starts to paint a picture of just how common it is to be a sensitive person who experienced childhood emotional neglect.

How can therapy help?

WHEN YOU realize what you don't know or don't have, you can get what you need.

These things start to happen:

• You learn the language of emotions and the tools you need to handle the tough ones.

• You feel more relaxed and enjoy life more.

• You develop more meaningful friendships and relationships.

• You’re able to set goals and take actionable steps, including holding yourself accountable, to meet those goals.

• You know who your are--your interests, beliefs, values, preferences--AND you create a meaningful, satisfying life based on these.

Work with therapists in sacramento and online who understand CEN

Our team of therapists gets how painful and confusing life and relationships can be when you’ve experienced CEN. To this end, Ivy has completed advanced trainings with Janice Webb, author of Running on Empty and psychotherapist who first identified this issue.

Our therapists know firsthand that what is learned can be unlearned and re-learned, and that it's never too late to dive into understanding yourself and building the skills you need to live the life you want.