Our emotions are kind of like our friends and relatives, not all of them are welcome at our house! We may feel close and welcoming toward our Aunt Joy, but cold and distant toward Uncle Anger – “I barely know him, and…he's KINDA weird!” Unlike our friends and relatives, we don't get to choose if our emotions are part of our lives – they're here to stay, whether we like it or not. When emotions are unwelcome or unfamiliar, we may use defense mechanisms to deal with them. One such defense mechanism is denial. When we use denial to keep certain emotions at a distance, it can have unintended consequences – we may experience repeated feelings of being “stuck”, numb, confused, or even anxious about certain things and we just don't know why. By learning how to recognize and work with denial, we can become more comfortable with distant emotions and increase our awareness, agency, and  self-assuredness. 

The idea of forgiveness brings up strong feelings for many people, myself included. I struggle to write about it and to talk about it, which makes me think it’s important to try – even if I’m somewhat clumsy. We often shy away from topics that leave us unsettled or frustrated for their heaviness and lack of clarity. But in some ways, I think this can make things worse – robbing us of the opportunity to stretch our internal capacities to bear the messiness of our existence. Perhaps devoting a little bit of time here and there to heavier topics will build our mental and emotional muscles, so to speak.

A variety of things might come to your mind when you think about rest. Many of us likely have different definitions of what rest looks or feels like, and we may go about it differently based on our own understandings, backgrounds, and lifestyles.

Growing up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and/or abuse can make it so hard to build loving relationships. If you were told over and over how sensitive you are, or your feelings were rarely acknowledged as natural reactions to the sharp edges of life, it's hard to feel like anything you think or feel is normal, acceptable, or bearable. This makes it really hard to share our true feelings with others or seek their support. Furthermore, responses from our parents that don't seem to match our experiences can contribute to feelings of distrust, both for ourselves and others.

Let’s be honest: Feelings get a bad rap. Somewhere along the line, many of us got the message

that emotions are inconvenient, dramatic, or unhelpful. We try to stuff them down, ignore

them, or tell ourselves, “It’s not a big deal”, when on the inside our emotional experience

continues to simmer just beneath the surface. 

The couples I work with would not be surprised to hear me say that I’m an avid fan of using intentional language to lessen relational conflict. My own affinity for prose and poetics alongside my training in Narrative Therapy do well to reinforce the view that words are powerful crafters in how we make sense of ourselves, the world, and one another’s intentions. The slightest shift in word choice by the speaker can drastically alter the impact of the statement or expression for the listener. 

Over the course of his tragically short career, singer-songwriter Jim Croce became famous for his world-weary love songs and comic ballads of bullies getting their comeuppance. In his public persona, Croce embodied a very particular masculine archetype in American music and pop culture: a working-class guy with high emotional intelligence, rough-hewn but romantic and with an almost religious dedication to poetic justice.

If you’re human you probably don’t like discomfort. I mean honestly who does? But what if discomfort is where the growth is?  What if discomfort is the hill we have to climb on the way to experiencing confidence? Or joy? Motivation? or Connection?

We are living through extremely difficult times right now. Stress, fear, anxiety, and animosity seem to be at an all-time high. The news cycle can be overwhelming and yet, we can’t tear ourselves away. What is the best way to respond in times like this? Should we be watching more or less news? Following social media or turning off our phones completely? Donating time and money to worthy causes? What is the answer and how can we do it in a way that isn’t completely exhausting?

Therapy is not a straightforward process. It can be challenging and downright painful at times, but can also be profoundly healing. While I hope that all therapeutic relationships contain a free flow of information and feedback between therapist and client, this too can be complicated, and we might benefit from some simple suggestions from a therapist’s perspective. To that end, I wanted to share some thoughts and encouragement that may provide some clarity and even improve your experience of therapy.