It’s 10:30 pm and you’re winding down for sleep. You’ve scrolled on your phone for the past 45 minutes or so, and your eyes are starting to get heavy, so you put it down, imagining you’ll drift off soon. Suddenly, you remember that thing you’ve got coming up, or that awkward moment with a coworker earlier this week, and the fact that your partner/child/cat seemed a bit distant the past few days. Your heart races, your breathing becomes shallow, and your eyelids snap open like those roll-up blinds in old cartoons. What if you forget to do something? What if they’re all mad at you? How can I tell? What are the signs? And how can I make sure everything doesn’t fall apart? Anxiety, panic, and insomnia are often linked to an overactive inner planner, predictor, or problem-solver. Read on to learn how we can work with these parts of us to reduce our distress and increase our sense of well-being.

Our emotions are kind of like our friends and relatives, not all of them are welcome at our house! We may feel close and welcoming toward our Aunt Joy, but cold and distant toward Uncle Anger – “I barely know him, and…he's KINDA weird!” Unlike our friends and relatives, we don't get to choose if our emotions are part of our lives – they're here to stay, whether we like it or not. When emotions are unwelcome or unfamiliar, we may use defense mechanisms to deal with them. One such defense mechanism is denial. When we use denial to keep certain emotions at a distance, it can have unintended consequences – we may experience repeated feelings of being “stuck”, numb, confused, or even anxious about certain things and we just don't know why. By learning how to recognize and work with denial, we can become more comfortable with distant emotions and increase our awareness, agency, and  self-assuredness. 

The idea of forgiveness brings up strong feelings for many people, myself included. I struggle to write about it and to talk about it, which makes me think it’s important to try – even if I’m somewhat clumsy. We often shy away from topics that leave us unsettled or frustrated for their heaviness and lack of clarity. But in some ways, I think this can make things worse – robbing us of the opportunity to stretch our internal capacities to bear the messiness of our existence. Perhaps devoting a little bit of time here and there to heavier topics will build our mental and emotional muscles, so to speak.

A variety of things might come to your mind when you think about rest. Many of us likely have different definitions of what rest looks or feels like, and we may go about it differently based on our own understandings, backgrounds, and lifestyles.

Growing up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and/or abuse can make it so hard to build loving relationships. If you were told over and over how sensitive you are, or your feelings were rarely acknowledged as natural reactions to the sharp edges of life, it's hard to feel like anything you think or feel is normal, acceptable, or bearable. This makes it really hard to share our true feelings with others or seek their support. Furthermore, responses from our parents that don't seem to match our experiences can contribute to feelings of distrust, both for ourselves and others.

Let’s be honest: Feelings get a bad rap. Somewhere along the line, many of us got the message

that emotions are inconvenient, dramatic, or unhelpful. We try to stuff them down, ignore

them, or tell ourselves, “It’s not a big deal”, when on the inside our emotional experience

continues to simmer just beneath the surface. 

The couples I work with would not be surprised to hear me say that I’m an avid fan of using intentional language to lessen relational conflict. My own affinity for prose and poetics alongside my training in Narrative Therapy do well to reinforce the view that words are powerful crafters in how we make sense of ourselves, the world, and one another’s intentions. The slightest shift in word choice by the speaker can drastically alter the impact of the statement or expression for the listener. 

Over the course of his tragically short career, singer-songwriter Jim Croce became famous for his world-weary love songs and comic ballads of bullies getting their comeuppance. In his public persona, Croce embodied a very particular masculine archetype in American music and pop culture: a working-class guy with high emotional intelligence, rough-hewn but romantic and with an almost religious dedication to poetic justice.

If you’re human you probably don’t like discomfort. I mean honestly who does? But what if discomfort is where the growth is?  What if discomfort is the hill we have to climb on the way to experiencing confidence? Or joy? Motivation? or Connection?

As an older millennial, I find myself reminiscing a lot about the “before times”. Life before smart phones, before social media, before AI.  I was one of the lucky ones to experience a teenhood and young adulthood smart phone free until I was about 25 years old. I often wonder if time moved so slowly back then because I was just a kid growing up in a small town where nothing ever happened.  Or if it’s because now I'm middle aged and one year of my life is a tiny increment in proportion to the 40+ I’ve lived, versus when I was 12 and a year felt like a lifetime. Or if it’s because now the world around us is moving so fast. Thanks to smart phones and immediacy culture, almost anything we want is accessible with the tap of a button, we barely have to wait and we no longer get to lose ourselves in the moment without a notification ding pulling us right out of it.

We are living through extremely difficult times right now. Stress, fear, anxiety, and animosity seem to be at an all-time high. The news cycle can be overwhelming and yet, we can’t tear ourselves away. What is the best way to respond in times like this? Should we be watching more or less news? Following social media or turning off our phones completely? Donating time and money to worthy causes? What is the answer and how can we do it in a way that isn’t completely exhausting?

Therapy is not a straightforward process. It can be challenging and downright painful at times, but can also be profoundly healing. While I hope that all therapeutic relationships contain a free flow of information and feedback between therapist and client, this too can be complicated, and we might benefit from some simple suggestions from a therapist’s perspective. To that end, I wanted to share some thoughts and encouragement that may provide some clarity and even improve your experience of therapy. 

“Strengths identification” tends to be a key component when initially starting therapy. However, not every client is educated on the concept of double edged swords. A double edge sword is a metaphor used to describe something that has both positive and negative qualities. In therapy a strength that is a double edged sword is a strength that in healthy doses can bolster us and lift us up but in excess can cause conflict and discord in our life.

If I wasn’t hard on myself, I’d never get anything done. 

I have to be hard on myself to be a good person.

These are some of the most common concerns I hear from people about being more compassionate towards themselves. We have this belief that being hard on ourselves is what allows us to accomplish things and treat others with kindness and respect. But what if I told you that being compassionate towards yourself actually helps you to be a more responsible, mature, and kind person?

As 2024 comes to a close many of us are drifting into a state of self reflection, and unfortunately some of us may have noticed that our inner critic is running rampant-excitedly pointing out  all the ways in which we, “failed,” noting all the things we didn’t quite accomplish, or gleefully rubbing our faces into the success of others. Which of course does a number on our mood and self-esteem; not quite the note we would like to end the year on. So how do we balance healthy self-reflection, taking stock of the year that has passed without allowing the Inner Critic room to run rampant?

Check out these positive affirmations for a boost of encouragement or a helpful daily reminder.

As you prepare for the onslaught of holiday cheer, I want you to sit with me here and just take a moment for yourself; to breathe, and to be. Slowly breathe in and out. And as you slowly breathe in I want you to call to mind a stress or worry on your shoulders . . .

Check out the recent ApartmentGuide article we were featured in: 

In today’s fast-paced world, carving out a space for relaxation and mindfulness at home is more important than ever. A dedicated zen room can provide the perfect sanctuary for meditation, reflection, or simply unwinding after a long day.

Your willingness to have faith and jump in with both feet can be such a beautiful strength when it comes to starting therapy. However where this trait will sometimes bite us in the butt is when we are further into the therapeutic process. Below are some tips to help keep that beautiful optimism in healthy check, so that you and your therapist can get a more realistic idea of how things are progressing

Do you find yourself getting stuck in repetitive thoughts or behaviors? Can you spiral about an interaction from the past or the future? Do you find yourself compulsively checking your phone or email, even though you’re not expecting anything in particular? You might blame anxiety or boredom, but would it surprise you to know that sometimes our coping mechanisms actually feed into anxiety? 

Life is so full of ups and downs. Progress is not a simple straightforward thing. Sometimes we take wonderful leaps forward. And sometimes we stumble back. The most important thing is not whether or not we stumble but what we choose to do after. Do we become disheartened? Do we give up? Do we throw in the towel? 

Have you ever heard your therapist use the term enmeshment or refer to two people in a relationship as entangled? If so, I am here to talk about how to support you in learning about how to stand in your power against enmeshment. Enmeshment is a bond that impacts one’s ability to experience autonomy and creates a complex and skewed sense of intimacy. Enmeshment can make it difficult to develop a strong sense of self. It can also lead to blurred boundaries, where roles and expectations are mixed up and there becomes an over-reliance on another person.

In April, I wrote about supporting teens in a seemingly unstable world. Since then, most would agree that the world at large hasn’t gotten any more normal. Dysfunctional politics, news of humanitarian disasters and inhumane conflicts, illusionment through social media, the looming threat of unaddressed climate change, inflation and economic stress; these are part of our shared reality, the boat we’re all in together.

So this message today is for all my caregivers, whether you are the adult child of an aging parent, someone who is helping their spouse through health issues, an aunt, uncle, grandparent, or even an older sibling who is looking out for a child. 

“I just don't want to feel as much.”

“I don't want to be as easily upset by things.”

“I just want things to roll off my back.”

If you’ve ever experienced emotional overwhelm, flooding, or intense sadness or anger in response to something someone said or did, you might have experienced reactivity. These experiences can be a lot and they can make us worry that we are a lot. Because of the automatic nature of reactivity, it can feel as though change is impossible, but there is absolutely hope and things we can do to improve our coping skills.

For too many of us, shame brings order to the world -- order feels like control and control feels like safety. But it's the type of safety that results from hypervigilance to threat -- an illusory safety in which we give up our enjoyment of the present moment for constant reassurance that we are not being harmed. This reassurance is so fleeting that we must constantly chase it, and that can be exhausting.

I just want things to roll off my back. I don’t want to feel so bothered by things anymore! How can I just let things go? Many of us know the feeling of rising emotion, like a tidal wave about to engulf us – your heart races, perhaps your face gets hot, and it takes all your strength not to dissolve in tears or explode in anger. When this happens, we feel powerless, alone or embarrassed, and we wish these feelings would just go away! But no matter how hard we try, no matter how often we tell ourselves “It’s no big deal”, these feelings keep returning again and again. How do we make lasting change?

Holding healthy boundaries is a mental health and well-being phrase that seems to get passed around a lot lately, but what does it actually mean? When we are encouraged to hold healthy boundaries we are actively taking measures to implement limits which safeguard our mental and emotional well-being. These safeguards can prevent burnout, stress, frustration, and resentment between ourselves, loved ones, friends and colleagues.

For many individuals diagnosed or undiagnosed with ADHD, they often grew up saturated in the word “lazy”. Anytime they were unable to accomplish a task or a goal this word was bandied about and stated with absolute certainty. The problem is that “lazy” implies an intention – when you are being lazy, you are actively choosing not to do something.