Lessening Conflict with Observation
Ivy Griffin
The couples I work with would not be surprised to hear me say that I’m an avid fan of using intentional language to lessen relational conflict. My own affinity for prose and poetics alongside my training in Narrative Therapy do well to reinforce the view that words are powerful crafters in how we make sense of ourselves, the world, and one another’s intentions. The slightest shift in word choice by the speaker can drastically alter the impact of the statement or expression for the listener.
One common encouragement you may be familiar with is the therapist-touted Grand Principle of using “I Statements”. I-Statements serve to keep the focus on one’s own emotions and actions, taking responsibility for them rather than inciting blame. Starting communication this way also tends to lessen defensiveness for the recipient. While I’m a big fan of this premise, I find that I-Statements alone aren’t sufficient to help shape a difficult conversation, or are often misused, as I’ve previously written about in the link above. It can be very hard to break existing conversational patterns. So, here’s another tip that I find essential to effective communication:
Differentiate Observations from Evaluations
This concept comes from nonviolent communication (NVC), a communication philosophy developed by Marshall Rosenberg that centers enhanced empathy and understanding as its goals. Being able to shift from evaluating or judging to simply observing is the first and in my opinion the foundational step of the 4 part NVC process.
So what’s the difference?
An observation is merely a description of “the what”, ie the facts and details what actually happened. An evaluation, however, is the personal interpretation or judgment about the observation.
Take a look at these two sets examples and the difference in impact.
Sally works too much.
vs.
Sally often works after hours.
My boss doesn’t care about my opinion.
vs.
My boss didn’t ask for my opinion during the meeting.
Pretty different, right? The first sentence (evaluation) lands a lot heavier and incites a more charged emotional reaction than the latter (observation). And while I’m sure many of us have our own thoughts and feelings about working on weekends or being excluded from an important work discussion, the descriptions themselves are neutral and factual, matter of fact, if you will.
Not sure how to start? Try practicing using the phrase “I’m noticing..” both in your self talk and communication with others. Starting with this phrase, or as I often call it - this “communication stem” - sets a neutral tone rather than an accusatory one. The act of noticing both allows us to slow down and provides an opportunity for internal regulation and perspective checking, as well as serves as a bridge to the next part of communication wherein deeper feelings can be shared.
Take care,
Program Analyst
they/them