3 Ways to Build Resiliency in Teens
Ivy Griffin
There is often a disconnect between the convenience of the modern world and the distress we witness in many of our teens. They have so much knowledge, entertainment, and capability at their fingertips and yet, many of them seem to struggle with overwhelm and paralysis around life tasks and social emotional connection and growth. How do we support them while also helping them to be more capable, confident, connected human beings? Here are 3 ways to build resiliency in teens.
Sitting with discomfort – Model pausing and patience. With the immediate availability of comfort and entertainment via our devices, the ability to pause is becoming a lost art. Whether it’s taking the time to sit quietly and breathe or saying, “Let’s pause for a second,” during a tense moment, allowing your teen to see you slow down gives them tools to draw on in the future. By the same token, patience is also becoming more rare, and I’d argue we’re suffering for it. When we expect things now, our stress levels go up. Modeling patience can be simple like saying, “You know, I think I’m gonna wait and get Starbucks on Friday,” or setting aside certain days every month for special treats. This also pairs patience with the idea that some things are actually more satisfying when you wait.
Encourage help-seeking – Help-seeking is sort of the other side of the coin from sitting with discomfort. We don’t want to foster so much independence or endurance that teens don’t ask for help when they need it. At the same time, we don’t want them to be so afraid of failure that they ask for help before they’ve even tried. We can meet this dilemma by encouraging them to problem-solve and ask for help. When they ask for help, you might say “Sure! Let’s start with what you’ve tried so far.” This sets the expectation that they give some effort to a task before asking for help. If it’s something more emotional, express compassion and curiosity about what’s going on. Oftentimes, what’s most helpful is just knowing you’re not alone in tackling life’s challenges.
Self-acceptance – Living in a world of likes and views overemphasizes the importance of agreement and approval from others. While we need to care about others’ needs and feelings, if that’s all we care about, it can lead to a rollercoaster of emotions. Resilience in the face of disappointing others or going against the grain necessitates a healthy level of self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is also something many of us struggle with as adults, so it can feel daunting to foster self-acceptance in teens. “What can I teach them about self-acceptance when I struggle to accept myself??” Just that! None of us are perfectly healthy, self-actualized beings. We all struggle sometimes, and it doesn’t have to define us. Let them know, “It happens to the best of us! I’m here for you.” Model self-compassion for your teen. When you mess up, acknowledge it without beating up on yourself – “Oof! I hate it when that happens,” or “Shoot! That was not what I was hoping for!” This lets them know they don’t need to be perfect and they’re not alone in their struggles.
Resiliency does not mean we never struggle – it means we do, and this is part of being human. Instead of leading us to isolate or freeze, our struggles can be opportunities for growth and connection with others. When we aren’t defined by our failures or our successes, we learn to focus on doing things for other reasons, like how it feels or the fulfillment they bring to our lives and the lives of others. Building resiliency in anyone can be tough! If you need support, please reach out.
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT #129032
Therapist, Program Manager, Supervisor
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