The Messy Middle
Ivy Griffin
I wake up sweaty and tense. I’ve had another dream about wandering through a hotel as I desperately try to get to my room. The catch is that the hotel keeps changing. The stairways move, levels don’t connect, elevators only go to certain floors and they constantly change course.
I’m up against terrible odds, and this seemingly easy task of going to my room has become a nightmare. No matter how much I try, the circumstances keep changing, and there’s so much that’s out of my control.
No wonder I’m stressed. This recurring dream comes in several variations, but each one is about working hard to reach a goal against really difficult challenges.
Sound like anything you’ve ever experienced?
Yep, this dream happens more often when I’m overwhelmed. It’s my mind’s movie showcasing being stuck in the messy middle of a problem. I know where I want to be, but I have no idea how to get there. I feel a sense of urgency, even some panic, that pushes me to keep going and try harder, but there’s no resolution.
Isn’t this one of the hardest things? When we desperately want something to be different and getting there feels out of reach, it’s deeply painful. We feel so stuck, trapped, and lost.
Most of us really, really take comfort in knowing what to expect, so feeling uncertain increases our anxiety. And, if we’re stuck with something we don’t want, we’re even more miserable.
As highly sensitive people, we feel this struggle acutely. Hsps feel emotions more deeply, AND we have more emotion regions of the brain light up on brain scans. We’re also affected more strongly by negative experiences.
Combine these factors, and we feel raw, intense pain when we’re stuck in the thick of a struggle and don’t know when or how we’ll get through it.
This is really, really hard. And, it’s very human and very true to your sensitive, neurodivergent nature.
So, what are some ways to ease this pain?
Practice self-compassion. I love Kristin Neff’s research about talking to ourselves like we would to a good friend. Empathize, validate, and offer yourself comfort. This is really hard right now. It’s scary and you’re worried, and it’s human to feel like this. Let’s curl up on the couch with the kitty and nap for a bit.
Journal. Writing about what you’re going through is a tool to get the swirling thoughts and feelings out of your body. It also tends to help give you some more emotional distance from the problem and might even guide you to figure out your way forward.
Talk to someone you trust. Again, it can really help to get out of our own heads. As hsps, when we’re stressed, our brains tend to work harder and harder to identify a solution, but that can lead to spiraling thoughts that aren’t helpful. Talking to someone else is a great way to interrupt the spiraling. So, please reach out to your partner, friend, family member, or therapist. You are not a burden, and I bet your loved one will be really glad to offer you support.
Reconnect to your values. Focusing on what’s most important can be grounding. It shifts your mindset from trying to find a particular answer to stepping back to see the big picture. And, sometimes having a better view puts the problem in a new light.
While there is certainly no one-size-fits-all answer for being in the middle of a problem, please remember you’re not alone. This is a very human struggle, and your sensitive brain and nervous system are extra tuned in to the challenge. In fact, as highly sensitive people, one of our strengths is how we tend to be more creative and good at coming up with unique solutions.
You will get through this. You’ll eventually spot the light in the tunnel to find your path forward, or you’ll find your ways to cope.
You are strong and resilient.
And, it’s always ok to ask for help and support. If you need someone to be with you in the thick of it, just reach out.
Warmly,
LMFT, Founder, Director, Supervisor
she/her