Navigating Teen Identity Exploration
Ivy Griffin
As a parent, watching your teen begin the complex journey of self-discovery and identity development can feel like an emotional roller coaster. At times you may feel at odds with their means of self-expression or find it challenging to broach the conversation about identity with your teen who feels more resistant to opening up than ever before. Finding the balance between respecting your teens' unique journey and desire for greater independence with guidance and support can feel like an impossible juggling act!
Here are some tips for supporting your teen:
1. Practicing curiosity in place of judgment.
When your teen unexpectedly walks through the door with brightly colored hair, your initial range of feelings may include shock, disapproval, or even anger. “Why would you do that? or “You look ridiculous!” may sound like familiar first reactions you’ve had?
Instead, start by taking a deep breath. Keep in mind that experimentation is a developmentally appropriate and expected component of adolescence. Rather than beginning with judgment or disapproval, try approaching your teen from a place of curiosity. Show genuine interest and inquire about what motivated the change: “Tell me about what inspired you?” or “How are YOU feeling about this new look?”. This approach allows you to gain insight into their world and strengthen your connection. Remember, they're likely already receiving plenty of judgment from peers, so creating a safe haven where they can be themselves is invaluable.
Likewise, when it comes to beliefs, respect their exploration of different ideas and worldviews. Engage in conversations where you listen more than you speak, and if you have differing beliefs, try to maintain an open, curious, and non-confrontational dialogue. This will help your teen feel that their identity is respected, even if it differs from your own.
2. Lean into conversation.
Sometimes our best intentions are less supportive than we anticipated. Remarks like “I don’t care how my child expresses themselves” or “I support whatever identity they choose” may feel dismissive and do not always leave room for supporting or understanding our teens' experience. Instead, practice leaning into conversation to listen and to learn. Conversation is a powerful tool for conveying your support and investing time in your teen's development. This not only shows that you care about their experiences but also helps them better understand themselves.
3. Be patient and flexible.
Because identity development is a fluid and evolving journey, it's normal to see your teen try many different forms of expression, some of which will stick, while others may be fleeting. As a parent, recognizing that this is a part of the process and practicing patience and flexibility conveys acceptance and permission to safely explore.
When possible, validate and normalize that exploration can be both an exciting and understandably overwhelming developmental milestone. Acknowledge the challenges your teen may face and provide reassurance that it's okay to feel uncertain at times. Finally (and equally important), remember to give yourself grace as you navigate this journey, too.
Warmly,
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