Creating Tech Boundaries That Stick: A Therapist’s Guide for Parents and Teens

We often hear from parents about their concerns and frustrations with their teen’s use of screens. 

All they do is stare at their phone.

They won’t even look at me when I’m talking. 

If you take their phone away, they act like you’re torturing them.

It’s impossible to get them to focus on anything else.

As therapists, we get it. Teens are naturally drawn to their devices because of how their brain development drives their desire for intensity and immediacy, technology changes so quickly these days that it can feel impossible to keep track, and we don’t even fully know how this screen usage affects our brains because it’s all so new. And, teens aren’t alone. I hear from adults all the time who also struggle with how to take technology breaks because these things are designed to keep our attention.

Meanwhile, you just want your kid to interact with the family sometimes, get some chores and schoolwork done, and actually hang out with their friends in real life.

The struggle is real! 

Here are 5 tried-and-true tips our therapists recommend for parenting teens in the digital age and for creating technology boundaries that stick for teens (and the whole family): 

1. Model

• As a parent, it’s common to feel like your teen does not care what you do. You might even think they intentionally do the opposite. Sometimes this is true, but in my work as a therapist, I am often surprised at how much teens are absorbing from what they see happening around them. I’ve sometimes shared a piece of advice that I thought a teen client completely ignored only to have the client bring it up weeks later and talk about how they’ve been following it and finding it helpful. 

• While a teen might not be caught dead admitting that their parent had a good idea, their brains are wired for social connection, which means they pay attention to what other people are doing - consciously or unconsciously. As humans, we all learn a ton from the behaviors we see modeled around us, especially in our homes. 

• So, if you’re frustrated with your teen’s obsession with their devices, or you’d just like to see your teen have some different habits, start with yourself first. Make sure you put your device down, limit how much time you spend on your phone in the evenings, make eye contact with your family members, and show genuine interest in what everyone has to say - even if you have to silence your phone so you don’t get distracted by that next notification ping (these things are designed to make us feel like we have to check!)

2. Family time with NO devices

• Make it a regular and consistent habit to spend time together as a family, and have everyone put their devices away and turn them off. This can be as simple as having a meal at home together with no screens at the table, so the focus is on having real conversations with each other. (If you need ideas for interesting questions to try to draw your teen out of their shell, check these out.)

• Or, you can have a game night, go for a hike, play mini golf, go to Starbucks - whatever is up your teen’s alley and is something you can all do together. The activity matters much less than the quality time spent together without screens. This also builds a strong foundation for your teen to continue such healthy boundaries in other social activities, especially as they launch into young adulthood.

3. Encourage reflection on how everyone uses screens 

• Teens usually really like deep conversations. At first, they might act bored or uninterested, but most teens like to reflect, form their opinions on topics, and have a discussion or debate about what they believe. This ties right in with their developmental need to form their own identity, and part of identity development is trying on different hats to see what they prefer. 

• So, when you’re stuck in the car or having a family dinner, share some of your own observations about what you love about your devices (like how they help you stay organized with the 1 million things you do, how easy it is to stay in touch with friends and family, having games to play when you’re waiting at an appointment) and about what frustrates you (maybe losing hours scrolling, comparing yourself to others and feeling down about it, feeling too “on” for work too much of the time), and invite everyone in your family to share. 

• This can be a topic you return to time and again to encourage insight and to bring more intentionality to how your whole family uses their devices.  

4. Discuss & allow for compromise. 

• You and your teen probably have pretty different ideas about what a reasonable amount of screen time is. Not only have teens never known a world without cell phones (so weird!), but their desire to stay connected socially 24/7 and their cravings for intensity and constant stimulation naturally make them want to be on devices much more than is likely in their best interest. 

• Since you probably don’t agree, hear them out. Ask them to identify what they think a reasonable expectation is and explain their point of view - this helps them learn skills to think critically and negotiate. 

• Plus, having a discussion and genuinely listening to their point of view gives your kid a sense of control and agency, which can help them buy into the family rules. Remember, you can listen, summarize what they say, and make sure you understand correctly without agreeing or disagreeing. Such reflection goes a long way toward making your kid feel heard. Then, try to find some aspects of their viewpoint that you agree with or look for a compromise between your goal and their goal. The more heard and respected your teen feels, the more they may be willing to compromise and agree to limits that everyone can live with.

5. Get outside & be social.

• Model & encourage hobbies without screens. I love encouraging teens to do anything they enjoy that prioritizes connection with other people or time spent in nature. This can be anything from playing a sport to joining a theater production to being in the Chess Club. 

• Any time kids have positive experiences engaging in activities in real life with other people builds their self-esteem and their sense of competence. It also helps them get positive reinforcement for being away from devices and for fully engaging in life.  

Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, and every teen is different. Some kids struggle to form friendships in real life and they lean on technology to connect with others online while other kids are highly social and may fall into spending too much time on social media and find themselves caught in comparisons and feeling not-good-enough. Or, a million other possibilities. 

The important part is to know your child, have regular conversations about healthy digital boundaries, set limits as needed, and be sure that you’re modeling what you’d like them to do. And, if you or your teen need some extra support, just reach out.  

Warmly,

Ivy Griffin (she/her)

Founder & Director, Clinical Supervisor, LMFT