When Your Teen Struggles to Make Friends
Ivy Griffin
You’ve been watching your kid struggle for so long. You know how important friendships are throughout life, especially during the teen years. You want to help them make friends in real life (not just online), but they get angry when you bring it up and don’t want to talk to you about it. You get that it’s awkward and they’re embarrassed, but it’s painful to watch. You constantly wonder how you can help.
First, please know that this is a normal challenge for many teens. Developmentally, adolescence is the first time when teens start forming friendships on the basis of deeper, more mature variables like shared values, common beliefs, and identity formation, instead of just the proximity of who’s around and whether they have a shared interest. And, anytime a new developmental task presents itself, some people will struggle.
Of course, some teens struggle with making friends more than others. While all adolescents have a strong internal biological drive to connect with peers, they are also egocentric (i.e. overly focused on themselves) and they worry about how they are perceived by pretty much everyone. Both of these developmental characteristics add barriers to forming friendships. In addition, some teenagers are more introverted or shy, some have more social anxiety, some have been or are currently being bullied, some struggle with low self-esteem and self-doubt, and some teens are neurodiverse - which may affect how they interpret social interactions and how they relate to others, all of which can make it that much harder to make friends.
And, this doesn’t even touch on how much of teens’ lives take place over social media or online, which can be sources of support and can distort relationships and expectations.
Suffice it to say, there’s a lot of reasons why it might be hard for your teen to make friends!
So, how can you help, especially if your teen doesn’t want to talk to you about it?
Support your kid with identifying their interests and strengths. This doesn’t need to be a full blown conversation. It can be a simple question about whether they want to get involved in an extracurricular they’ve shown interest in like “When are cross-country tryouts?” or reflecting on a skill they have and offering an idea for how they could put it to use like “You’ve got such great photography skills; I bet those could really come in handy on the yearbook staff.” You can plant the seed of an idea without pressuring them.
Model how you talk to people. As humans, we all learn from others socially. Even though it seems like your teen could not care less what you do, they actually pay more attention than you realize. When your teen is with you, practice being chatty with the Starbucks barista or talk about how you appreciated it when your colleague remembered that your family was going on a weekend camping trip and asked you about it. If you form a new friendship or are getting to know an acquaintance better, casually share with your teen how you’ve been enjoying getting to know that person better and share some examples of what you’ve talked about. Such modeling helps build a foundation of knowledge for your teen, especially if they don’t pick up on social cues easily.
Don’t force. Make gentle suggestions occasionally. There’s no way to shut your teen down faster than to make them do something, make plans without their input, or create a lot of pressure for them to attend an event. Instead, be supportive by offering to drive them to a school event or asking if they’d like to invite some peers from the neighborhood or an extracurricular group over for pizza and movies or video games.
Praise their efforts, not the outcome. If your teen goes to the school event, checks out a club, or invites someone over, praise them. Keep it simple with a “I love that you went to the homecoming game” or “That was a great idea to invite Casey over,” but don’t get too effusive. You can recognize their efforts, even if they don’t get the result your teen wanted. If your kid says, “The game was so boring and I don’t want to ever go again,” you can respond with, “That’s fair. I’m glad you checked it out, so now you know.” Then, if they ever change their mind down the road, don’t make a big deal about it.
The bottom line is that it’s hard to make friends, as just about any adult knows, and it’s harder for some teens than for others. It’s a process for anyone to build, improve, or develop their social skills, and it doesn’t happen overnight. So, try to use your coping skills and support system to manage your worry about your kid while you aim to be patient and supportive, model and praise, and don’t pressure or force social interactions.
It also helps to remember that high school is not forever, and it takes some young people time to find their people. That can be ok. Your teen has a whole life ahead of them and a lot of time to experiment and learn.
If your teen needs some extra support, individual therapy or a teen support group can be great resources to help with social skills, self-esteem, and identity development. Just reach out, and we’d be happy to support your family or to share resources we think could help!
All the best,
Ivy Griffin, LMFT #51714
Director, Clinical Supervisor
she/her