Self Compassion for Personal Accountability

If I wasn’t hard on myself, I’d never get anything done. 

I have to be hard on myself to be a good person.

These are some of the most common concerns I hear from people about being more compassionate towards themselves. We have this belief that being hard on ourselves is what allows us to accomplish things and treat others with kindness and respect. But what if I told you that being compassionate towards yourself actually helps you to be a more responsible, mature, and kind person?

Compassion vs. Avoidance

When we hear the term “self-compassion”, you might imagine saying to yourself, “Aw, poor thing. Life is hard! Let’s watch a movie and eat ice cream instead.” This is what many people describe to me when we first discuss self-compassion. But what’s being described is closer to emotional avoidance than it is to compassion. Compassion involves confronting our uncomfortable emotions rather than running from them. Instead of pretending that hard stuff doesn’t exist, compassion helps us to acknowledge and accept that suffering is part of our human existence, but also not something that defines us. 

You can say to yourself: This is really hard for me right now, but I will try to accept myself even when I am struggling. 

Accountability vs. Self-Blame

Many of us believe that being hard on ourselves is what helps us to be responsible human beings, but it can actually make us less responsible in the long run. When we blame ourselves (or others, for that matter), we typically don’t think very deeply about things. With self-blame, “I’m a failure/irresponsible/a bad person” is the beginning and the end of the story. But through self-compassion, we can be curious about what led us to behave the way we did. For example, say you were unfaithful to your partner in a monogamous relationship. If you were to tell yourself, “I’m a callous, selfish person”, there’s nothing to learn from what happened. Whereas, if you were to acknowledge that you’re a human being who makes mistakes sometimes, you might be better able to acknowledge that infidelity is a bit of a pattern for you, one that you’d like to learn about and change. 

You can say to yourself: That really does sound very difficult. What do you think made it hardest to show up in the way you wanted to?

Befriending Ourselves

Think about how it feels to be shamed by another person for something you did. You’re probably not very likely to go to them if you’re struggling and need help. When we shame ourselves, it’s the same idea – we tend to conceal from ourselves the truth, our struggles, and when we need help, leading to a lack of self-awareness and prolonged suffering. Conversely, a kind, curious, and accepting internal attitude is similar to having a nonjudgmental friend – you feel you can open up, be honest, and ask for help when you need it. Being a friend to ourselves actually helps us to be more accountable than being hard on ourselves. 

You can say to yourself: Thank you so much for confiding in me. That took a lot of courage to be so honest. What can I do to support you?

You may feel skeptical about self-compassion helping you to be a more accountable, mature human, but perhaps this skepticism is because it’s a truly radical idea. Exercising courage in the face of uncomfortable emotions, facing ourselves honestly, seeing ourselves and our lives realistically rather than all good or all bad, are pretty radical ideas! Black-and-white thinking is unfortunately very popular, as is condemning ourselves and others for mistakes. Doing something different takes bravery and determination as well as a belief that change is possible. This can be challenging! If you would like support in being more compassionate toward yourself, please reach out. 

Take good care, 

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032

Therapist/Program Manager/Supervisor

she/her

Thrive Therapy and Counseling