Growing Through Discomfort

If you’re human you probably don’t like discomfort. I mean honestly who does? But what if discomfort is where the growth is?  What if discomfort is the hill we have to climb on the way to experiencing confidence? Or joy? Motivation? or Connection?

In my Masters program for Clinical Counseling Psychology, discomfort was often reframed as our “Growing Edge”.  As a  student in grad school for psychology I was often called to self reflect, confront difficult parts of the self, and take ownership of what could serve as obstacles in connection.  It was and continues to be very uncomfortable, and yet it is part of the path. Reframing discomfort as the Growing Edge was a helpful first step towards acknowledging that this discomfort might be the medicine we need.  It might not taste great going down and it usually isn’t immediately satisfying, but it could help us feel better in the long run. Isn’t that the way of therapy? So much leaning into discomfort, confronting difficult truths, and having to practice acceptance and surrender. 

Many folks who finally walk through the doors of a therapist’s office have probably considered this option several times before, then convinced themselves it wasn’t necessary, avoided the process, then finally faced their fears and committed to the journey. If you’re human it is likely that you have made some conscious and unconscious efforts to avoid discomfort.  Sometimes we don’t even realize we are engaged in avoidance! This is one of the many reasons why therapy can be so helpful, as a therapist with an outside perspective might be able to notice these behavioral patterns and bring them into awareness. 

In Tarot For Change: Using the Cards for Self Care, Acceptance, and Growth, Jessica Dore says, “experiential avoidance … is exactly what it sounds like - avoiding certain experiences, sometimes internal and sometimes external, all in an effort to protect ourselves from thinking, feeling, or experiencing anything we believe we can not handle” (321). But how do we know what we cannot handle if we have not faced what we have been avoiding? This avoidance often manifests from limiting beliefs and fears but not from what we know to be true. And when we engage in avoidance we miss out on what is possible, the options or choices that do exist, what we actually are capable of, and what we can actually handle. Avoidance only perpetuates feelings of powerlessness. Powerlessness leads to hopelessness, hopelessness leads to fear, worry and despair. And therein lies the cycle where so many of us feel stuck.

Our avoidance says to our beliefs and fears that they are so scary that we must avoid them even at the cost of our own growth and healing. But if we could confront this discomfort, step out of the cycle, we might “realize that there are many ways to engage with a sharp thing other than to build a life around avoiding it” (Dore, 322). In facing what we are avoiding we are able to take inventory of our most feared psychological and emotional experiences, and with this information we can identify the steps we need to take to overcome them. In being honest with ourselves about these fears or beliefs we are able to identify where we have choice and agency. And in asserting this choice and agency we are able to engage in new experiences that promote our growth and ultimately contribute to our confidence and faith in the self.  We “get to decide what getting unstuck is worth to us” (Dore, 322).

So the next time you find yourself avoiding something because you’re worried that it might make you uncomfortable, or contribute to anxiety, or awkwardness, or the twinge of emotional pain, or it just feels like hard work, try practicing curiosity and envision what it might be like on the other side of this hill. Maybe there is confidence, or motivation, or connection, or acceptance, or even joy there.  See if you can come up with a plan, or a map to help you on your path. Maybe there are multiple routes and a fantastic pit stop along the way. Maybe you will need to take breaks, confront other hidden truths about the self, get a little lost, or distracted. Maybe it will take longer than you think or no time at all.  Perhaps there are resources, strengths, mantras, coping skills, tokens or talismans that can support you on your journey.  But one thing is certain: you will know yourself, know your multitudes and all that you are capable of in making this climb. Avoidance might be a strategy to resist feeling difficult feelings or accepting difficult truths, but it also takes away our ability to experience the good stuff. And the best stuff in life is usually worth the climb.

Best,
Danielle Kardum, LMFT #114847
Therapist and Clinical Supervisor

Dore, Jessica. Tarot For Change: Using the Cards for Self-Care, Acceptance and Growth. New York: Viking 2021