Calming Reactivity
Ivy Griffin
“I just don't want to feel as much.”
“I don't want to be as easily upset by things.”
“I just want things to roll off my back.”
If you’ve ever experienced emotional overwhelm, flooding, or intense sadness or anger in response to something someone said or did, you might have experienced reactivity. These experiences can be a lot and they can make us worry that we are a lot. Because of the automatic nature of reactivity, it can feel as though change is impossible, but there is absolutely hope and things we can do to improve our coping skills.
Reactivity can be internal (sinking feeling, intense embarrassment or shame) or external (heightened displays of emotion or arguing) and can have a significant impact on our relationships with ourselves and others. We may be prone to reactivity for any number of reasons which may be useful for us to understand. But regardless of our level of understanding, we can take practical steps right now to lessen our reactivity.
Pause – Pausing is one of the most underrated and under utilized tools we have at our disposal. It allows us to think, to self-regulate, and choose our response rather than react in ways that feel damaging or out of character. Because reactivity is so automatic, it may be hard to practice pausing when we start to feel a strong reaction. Instead, practice pausing all the time. Take a full breath in and out before you respond to anything, then decide if you want to take another full breath.
Practice awareness – Check in with your body, your thoughts, and your feelings. Do you feel hot in the face? Is your heart racing? Do you feel an intense need to make a point? To hide? Judging our thoughts and feelings only clouds our observations and increases overwhelm, so focus on descriptor words instead of value-laden judgments like “stupid” or “silly”.
Create space – Now that you've gathered some information about how you're feeling, you get to create some space for yourself. If you no longer have an overwhelming urge to react or hide, you might be ready to re-engage with others. If not, you’ve got choices!
Say, “Hmm.” It shows thoughtfulness and security in yourself. You don’t rush to agree or disagree. Plus, it gives you more time to decide how to respond or IF you’d like to respond.
Say, “I’m going to have to think about that and get back to you.” Again, you show thoughtfulness, maturity, and buy yourself time to respond the way you want.
Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Everyone needs the bathroom, sometimes unexpectedly. Any reasonable person will understand. Once inside, practice square breathing in which you hold your breath briefly after every slow inhale or exhale. If after a few minutes, you’re needing more space, it is totally okay to go for a walk or go home. If you’re with loved ones, let someone know you need some air and you’re going to step out or you’re feeling unwell and need to go home.
Reflect – When you have time to yourself, get curious about what contributed to your activation. Were you tired? Hungry? Stressed? Do you have a belief that you or others ought to behave or feel a certain way and that wasn’t happening? This is also something useful to go over with a therapist as they can help you better understand what happened and how best to address it.
Building our frustration tolerance through slowing down our internal process is key to lessening reactivity. After more practice, we may find that our reactivity is diminished or we recover more quickly. Over time, we will develop more confidence and calm. Of course, this process is best navigated with support. You don’t need a “good enough” reason to get help – please reach out.
All my best,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032
Therapist, Program Manager, Supervisor