The Bravery in Breaking Up - Part 1: “The If”

The act of ending a romantic relationship is often painful even in the most amicable of circumstances, and finally coming to the decision to do so can be an extremely confusing process. Many people, understandably, have significant anxiety and trepidation about breaking up. How do you know when it’s the right time? How do you actually do it? What about all the “what ifs”?

As difficult as the process is, there is a tremendous amount of bravery in acknowledging that a relationship is not serving you anymore. Perhaps a partner is not meeting your needs, or worse, actively causing hurt and harm. Perhaps you try again and again to get on the same page, but still find yourself falling into the same arguments and communication patterns in spite of your efforts. Perhaps, simply, you are discovering that you no longer have the capacity to continue that seemingly endless TRY. You’re exhausted and frustrated, and you just wish things would get better.

But they don’t.

Before I go on, I want to acknowledge and honor the resistance, doubt, and anxiety that you’re probably feeling. After all, this is someone that you care about, and there is a reason you decided to enter this relationship in the first place. If the decision were easy or obvious, you wouldn’t be in this position.

Your resistance might say:

• “But we worked so hard! How could we throw away all this hard work we’ve been doing?”

While it is true that relationships do take work, there is a difference between work and labor. Relational “work” should ideally be constructive and yield results, such as fine tuning your communication skills together, or learning your partner’s love languages and practicing new ways of expressing your affection. Labor, however, often feels like a constant uphill trudge with little payoff. 

It may be helpful to ask yourself: “What does the amount of ‘work’ needed to sustain this relationship mean about our overall compatibility together as partners?”

Your doubt might say:

• “But when it’s good, it’s SO GOOD!”

Well… yeah! That’s what “good” means! It’s not actually possible for things to feel not good when they feel good – that would be very perplexing! It can be so disheartening to confront the possible loss of all the “good times”, the loving memories, the laughter, the things that brought the two of you together in the first place. I HEAR YOU. It’s so, so hard. 

It might be helpful to ask yourself: “What is the ratio of those good times to the times that feel difficult, painful, or dissatisfactory? Am I ok with that ratio?”

Your anxiety might say:

• “But it’s not a good time! We have [a birthday / the holidays / a trip] coming up soon!”

Oof, I feel this struggle! The calendar year is peppered with festive occasions by design, and adding personal occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and other celebrations make it barely possible for a stretch of time to go by without one.

Perhaps ask yourself: “Will I be able to stay present, and show up authentically and genuinely during this upcoming event with the amount of uncertainty I have about this relationship?”

Again, I want to reiterate how nuanced, complicated, and difficult this type of decision can be. My intention in writing this post is not to cause offense, or strife, or drag anyone who has ever had a reasonable wondering about the longevity of their romantic partnership. These words are meant to assist in processing, and hopefully aid in finding clarity in your decision making process – whatever that decision may be!

All the best,

Leigh Johnson AMFT #117551

they/them, he/him

Supervised by Alexandra Garton, MFT #84163

http://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/leigh-johnson

It takes two people to enter a relationship, but it only takes one person to end one.