Modeling Self-Compassion for Teens
Ivy Griffin
The parents I’ve worked with over the years care deeply about setting a good example for their teens, guiding them, and showing them love. This may be a part of why there can be a sense of shame around “getting it wrong” with their kids. Society and parents themselves can set almost impossible standards at times for what constitutes “good parenting”. This can make human error, challenges, and unexpected outcomes feel scary. We feel so much empathy for teens when they make mistakes or face challenges but don’t always give parents the same grace.
While I believe this issue is bigger than a single blog can address, I’m going to focus on what I tend to focus on with parents: self-compassion. Many misunderstand self-compassion to be a way of relinquishing responsibility for your actions when in reality, it can help you to take more appropriate ownership for your actions while letting go of things that are out of your control. When we recognize that our errors, uncertainty, and unexpected outcomes are part of our shared human experience, we’re better able to accept reality and work with what we’ve got rather than dwelling on our mistakes.
An example might be that your teen asks for help with their homework and during your time working with them, you find yourself frustrated. You’re tired, haven’t eaten since breakfast, and feel as though you’re reading hieroglyphics when you stare at the assignment. You can sense your teen’s frustration as well and you begin to chastise yourself for feeling frustrated, not knowing the material, and wanting nothing more than to give up and order a pizza. This is an opportunity to model self-compassion!
Instead of continuing to chastise yourself for all your failings as a parent, you look at your teen and say, “Wow, this assignment is really hard and my energy is feeling kind of low. I think in order to keep helping you, I’m going to need to take a break so I can clear my head and get something to eat. Why don’t we take a twenty minute break before continuing?” You may be thinking this is not all that significant but you have just taught your teen a multitude of valuable life lessons including:
It’s okay not to have all the answers – Instead of criticizing yourself for not knowing the answer, you showed them that even adults don’t have all the answers and that’s okay. By doing this, you teach them how to give themselves grace when they face challenges in their own lives or feel uncertain.
You modeled good self-awareness by recognizing when it’s time to take a break – Recognizing when we’ve reached our limits and communicating that is essential to good self-care, good self-awareness, and building healthy relationships. Denying or ignoring our limitations can lead to burnout and put strain on our relationships when we attempt to spread ourselves too thin. Recognizing that all humans have limitations helps us to have much healthier, more realistic expectations of ourselves and others.
You stated your needs and took steps to get them met – Recognizing and responding to our needs is also critical to good self-care and healthy relationships. Being able to recognize our needs helps us create more balance in our lives and also helps us to acknowledge and respect others’ needs as well.
You modeled that we must prioritize our own needs in order to care for others – This one is especially important when it comes to relationships. Many of us know all too well what it feels like to disappear in a relationship, to have our needs completely eclipsed by the needs of the other person. By showing teens that prioritizing our needs are an important part of caring for others, we set them up for healthier expectations in their relationships.
If nothing else, I hope this blog was a reminder of how important it is to model self-compassion for teens. Academic lessons are important but so are life lessons and preparing them for the challenges they’ll inevitably face. So the next time you’re feeling like you don’t have all the answers, know that you can still teach them how to love and care for themselves even when they don’t have all the answers.
All my best,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Program Manager and Therapist
Thrive Therapy and Counseling
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda