The Bravery in Breaking Up - Part 2: "The How"
Ivy Griffin
So, you’ve decided. After all the internal deliberation, it is clear to you that your romantic relationship needs to end. It’s time to break up. But how the heck will you do it?
You may be running through all sorts of possible scenarios in your head, imagining best and worst outcomes, preparing what to say and what definitely NOT to say. There are some decisions to make regarding the “when”, “where”, and especially the “how” of all of this, and it is a lot to sort out! Here are a few factors to examine when initiating the severing of the relationship.
The When
This was discussed in my part one about breaking up - it’s hard to find the “right time” because there usually isn’t one. Furthermore, trying to spend time together when you have mentally already decided it’s over is, well, unpleasant to say the least. My invitation is to select a time in the near future that does not interfere with either person’s significant obligations like work or academics. Ideally, it is helpful to also allow for some personal time after the conversation to emotionally process.
The Where
If your relationship is relatively proximal (ie, not a long distance relationship), you have the option of breaking up in person. Some people prefer to select a public location to reduce the likelihood of a highly emotional reaction that might cause them to lose their resolve. Alternatively, some prefer the privacy of a non-public location where they can more freely express their feelings. Select your location based on your preferences and your knowledge of your soon-to-be-ex partner. If your partner is someone who you’ve known to “make a scene” before, or if you might benefit from having an “out” so the conversation doesn’t drag on for hours, public might be a good choice. If you trust that your partner will be respectful of the decision and you desire a more intimate closing out, a private setting may be just fine!
When considering the “when” of a breakup, the modality must also be determined. Many of us have likely been warned of the bad etiquette of ending a relationship over text message. However, if you feel in any way unsafe to end this relationship face-to-face, a text, phone call, or email is entirely appropriate.
The How
The way in which you decide to end your relationship has a significant impact on the ease or difficulty of emotional processing, as well as several other factors. I always advise kindness, honesty, and forthrightness to the best of one’s ability. If that feels difficult, it may be helpful to reframe the intention as not being for the sake of your partner’s feelings, but as acting in honor of your highest self. It is not necessary to rehash every single old argument and grievance, instead, prepare a summary of the reasons you feel unable to move forward together. Some of these could be:
A difference in values and priorities
Time scarcity due to obligations or physical location
Incompatible communication styles and emotional needs
A boundary was crossed and cannot be repaired
It may also be apt to create an “after the breakup” plan either together, if things are amicable, or on your own ahead of time. How much time would you like to wait before communicating again? What about belongings that need to be returned to one another? How would you like to inform friends and family of this decision?
A few other tips
Be direct. Don’t use vague language to try to soften the news, doing so risks offering false hope. Explain that you are ending the relationship.
Be respectful. Even if this person is someone you no longer feel favorably about, you can still have reverence for the relationship as a whole and what it taught you. If respectful is too hard, aim for cordial.
Be strong. You’ve made it this far! Your decision has been made, trust yourself and all of the work you put into this determination. This is such a hard thing to do, but you know what’s right, and you’re going to be ok.
Warmly,
Leigh Johnson, AMFT #117551
they/them, he/him
Supervised by Alexandra Garton, MFT #84163
http://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/leigh-johnson