The Importance of Grieving Relationships
Ivy Griffin
One of the hardest things we can experience in life is the realization that a relationship is not working out. I’m not just referring to romantic relationships but our relationships with friends and family as well. You’ve tried your best to communicate with the person, you may have even sought therapy for yourself or as a pair to try and resolve your struggles, but things just aren’t getting better. Or, if things do get better, it’s only for a short while and before you know it, you’re back to feeling anxious about talking with them, frustrated at not being listened to, or saddened that you’re just not able to be yourself around them.
When these dynamics are present in our formative relationships with parents and caregivers, they can impact our other relationships as well, causing us to experience familiar dynamics over and over again. When there’s a significant amount of denial, dismissal, or a lack of accountability in the relationship, we may blame ourselves for it not working and may even believe it is because we are unworthy or incapable of healthier, more satisfying relationships. Under the mistaken belief that we’re the sole cause of these difficulties, we continue to pour our time and energy into “fixing” things.
So why is it so important to grieve these relationships not working out? Grief can be an important part of letting go and moving on with our lives. It involves recognition of a loss (in this case, a loss of the relationship we wanted) of something of great importance to us. Allowing ourselves to feel and express our sadness, disappointment, and even anger in healthy ways can be a way of validating our own needs and feelings and acknowledging ourselves as important.
Acceptance of the other person as they are is also important. This may involve recognizing this person is not meeting our needs or is perhaps incapable of doing so due to their own wounding and human limitations. Grief can allow us to let go of the expectation that they will someday change and can release us to invest our energy elsewhere and move on with our lives. It can also be an essential part of releasing the shame associated with the mistaken belief that the difficulties in the relationship represent a personal failure or shortcoming. The other person also plays a significant role in the quality of the relationship.
This is not by any means an easy or linear process and may involve repeated boundary-setting and repeated recognition that things are not changing. Getting help from a therapist who is familiar with complex family dynamics and is willing to work with you on boundary-setting and self-compassion can be an important support. Please feel free to reach out whenever you need.
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT 129032
Program Manager
Thrive Therapy and Counseling
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430