Feeling Secure Without Black and White Thinking
Ivy Griffin
Whenever someone says, “I have a surprise for you”, my first thought is usually, “Is it good or bad?”. We tend to want to put things into categories to make them more manageable. Putting something into a category may help us feel more prepared and less likely to be blindsided by something unpleasant. But putting things into black and white categories can also have drawbacks. We may find ourselves frequently categorizing people and things as bad and feeling anxious or exhausted by all the bad stuff we encounter.
But using categories makes me feel safe. At least then I know what I’m dealing with.
The safe feeling we get from using these categories is usually temporary. Plus, to truly know what we’re dealing with and make informed decisions, we need to see things as accurately as possible. Unfortunately, when we put things into black and white categories like “good” or “bad”, we tend to be less curious about them which may mean we don’t gather the information we need to see them accurately. For example, if we see someone at work doing things slowly and we categorize them as “lazy”, we may fail to ask the questions necessary to learn that they’re recovering from an injury or they’re moving at a slower pace because it helps them focus. We may then become frustrated with their “laziness” based on incomplete or inaccurate information.
But I need to avoid bad people and situations.
This feeling is so understandable, especially when we’ve had painful and scary experiences that have left their mark on us. But attempting to avoid everything bad tends to deplete us while depriving us of the skills we need to feel more secure long-term. The walls we build to keep out the bad begin to feel like barriers, making our lives small and unsatisfying. What if it were possible to feel more secure without lumping everything into categories like good and bad?
Building a sense of security within ourselves involves listening deeply to our needs and feelings while taking thoughtful action based on the information we gather from our environment. This involves:
Compassion – Approaching ourselves as we would a loved one helps build trust, knowing that we will not be punished or ignored for our feelings and needs. Practice being patient and understanding towards yourself, while refraining from harsh judgment. Ex. Try saying to yourself, I understand you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now. It’s human to struggle this way. Let’s take things slow.
Curiosity – Rather than putting things or people into black and white categories, we can ask ourselves: What about this person/thing is causing me to feel this way? When we get an answer, we dig deeper. This helps strengthen feelings of trust between the overwhelmed part of us and the part that is providing support.
Responding – Once you’ve learned all you can about your feelings, it’s time to ask yourself: What boundaries do you need in this moment to feel safe and free? Rigid boundaries provide temporary feelings of safety, but also feel constraining. We tend to shape our lives around rigid boundaries, whereas healthy boundaries shape to fit us. Ex. Instead of deciding our colleague is a jerk we have to avoid at all costs, we instead see them as limited in their ability to engage in friendly conversation, so we limit the energy we exert around them to slightly less than theirs. If they say hello, we can say hello back, but we don’t need to do anything else. If we’re used to giving our time and energy away easily, boundaries like this can feel awkward at first, but eventually help us to feel more at ease.
When we stop lumping things and people into broad categories and start getting curious about our needs and feelings, we strengthen our connection with ourselves. Setting boundaries that shape to fit us allows us to move more freely in our lives, creating more opportunities for fulfilling experiences. Eventually, those overly broad categories become unnecessary and we begin to see ourselves and our lives as richer and more complex. If you feel you might benefit from therapy, use the link below to be matched with a therapist.
Best,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Therapist/Program Manager/Supervisor
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/new-clients