Have you been finding it hard to motivate yourself to go to and stay in school? More than just your typical I don't want to, because let's keep it real, school isn't always the most fun place to be. If this speaks to you, you are not alone! This experience is called school refusal. School refusal is when a teenager or any school-aged person, consistently refuses to go to school or has difficulty staying in school for the full day. It goes beyond occasional truancy or wanting to skip class occasionally. It often involves intense emotional distress or anxiety related to attending school. This distress can manifest in physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, or other complaints.
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We all know that relationships between teens and their parents, guardians, or any authority figure can be trying. The ways adolescents’ brains are changing and developing (more so than at any other time except ages 0-5) and the ways their identities are forming can naturally put them at odds with parents and authority figures. They’re beginning to think abstractly, question why, and challenge what they don’t agree with. This doesn’t make setting and holding rules and boundaries easy for any adult.
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A question I hear a lot from parents in the therapy room is, “Where do I draw the line?” Some things may be clear, but there’s a lot of nuance. Do I limit their screen time, and if so, how without starting WWIII? Do I monitor their social media? How much should I watch over their grades and hound them about homework, or do I let them face the consequences for themselves? What’s acceptable for them to wear, and should I dictate clothing choices? Is any alcohol or drug use okay? What about sex?
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“You just don’t get it, Mom!” I definitely said that hundreds of times during my own adolescence in a variety of moods, facial expressions, and tones of voice. I often felt misunderstood and sometimes sought out arguments with my parents to prove it to myself. My friends and I would vent about how our parents could never know what we were going through, considering how much ‘older’ they were! I laugh at that now after having my own children and realizing how much more complicated parenthood is than I ever thought when I was a teen.
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Boredom for many parents is a scary word. Whenever I mention it to the families I work with I get a physical reaction of wide eyes and nervous, terrified giggles or full-on snorts of disbelief. Anxiety creeps over their faces ,and they shake their heads at me and mumble ‘no way’ or ‘that won’t last long…’ I get it. Kids in an instant gratification age/era is tough! It can almost feel impossible. But I’m here to tell you--it’s a crucial ingredient to growing up.
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Over the course of just a few days I heard parents, both inside and outside my practice, say: “I’ve ruined my son!” “She’s messed up for life.” “I’m a terrible parent—what was I thinking?!” My first reaction was shock . . .and then curiosity. What had these poor parents done to their kids to express so much shame and guilt? Then after a little digging, I discovered two parts to these big statements. 1) The parents really didn’t do anything to cause such a personal verbal shaming. 2) But they all felt like they did.
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Self-care. I know, it’s a buzz word, and we’ve talked before about the importance of taking care of yourself if you are a parent. However, it’s so necessary and so often overlooked or ignored that it deserves more discussion. Today I want to address a broader audience—one that includes all types of caregivers. I suppose everyone experiences supporting another person at one time or another in life, but some people have strict caretaking type roles in their work or family or friendship circle. For the purposes of this post, I’m using a very broad definition of the term caretaker, so it includes anyone in a role in which they have some consistent responsibility to manage the wellbeing and care of another human being.
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Have you ever heard a child’s parents being blamed when the child has “behavior problems?” Even naming something wrong with the parents’ character? Ouch. Maybe you yourself have felt the blunt end of this blame or have worried that others will judge you as "one of those parents" when your child acts out. It’s a message that is communicated by people all throughout our society from high profile leadership to the average American worker. It’s a natural urge for us to look for someone to take responsibility for the misinterpreted shortcomings of our kids. Pointing fingers is so much easier than digging deeper.
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“Oh my God! I just found PORN on my daughter’s ipad! What do I do?!” More often or not, the first time parents discover porn on the screen of their child’s laptop, phone, or iPad—that knee jerk reaction hits. Thoughts of “he’s only 12!” or “why did she google that?!” Kids are curious creatures, and naturally, one day, they are going to want to know about sex. Children grow up now knowing that the answer to pretty much anything is just a click away, so it’s understandable that they would turn to the web to explore this whole sex thing--nevermind that teens and preteens can feel increeeedibly awkward talking to parents and adults about sex (and it can feel just as uncomfortable for parents too)!
So, yes, curiosity and interest in sexuality are normal, even in the preteen years. Now, how do you respond?
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“My kid is running me to the ground”… “I can’t go two days without the school calling me about her behavior!”… “I am at my wits end…” “I’ve tried everything—punishments, rewards, time-outs, ignoring, everything! Nothing works. He’s out of control!”
These are statements I often hear from parents who call seeking therapy for their child.
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