If your teen doesn’t get along with their other parent
Ivy Griffin
We all know that relationships between teens and their parents, guardians, or any authority figure can be trying. The ways adolescents’ brains are changing and developing (more so than at any other time except ages 0-5) and the ways their identities are forming can naturally put them at odds with parents and authority figures. They’re beginning to think abstractly, question why, and challenge what they don’t agree with. This doesn’t make setting and holding rules and boundaries easy for any adult.
In addition to the natural workings of child development, lots of other factors can play a role in a teen and their parent not getting along. Sometimes it’s the classic, “they’re exactly alike, and they butt heads constantly!” Other times a difference in personal values or beliefs between a teen and a parent causes a rift. Because parents are, of course, human too, there can be times when a parent’s own mental health, life stress, or addiction keeps them from being the parent their child needs. In such an example, a teen may be legitimately angry and hurt by a parent’s actions. Or, they might be angry about how they have seen or believe their parent hurt others, like in instances of cheating, domestic violence, or emotional abuse.
Whether you and your kid’s other parent or guardian are together, separated, or divorced, this is a tough situation. While it’s a positive, it can sometimes feel extra hard if you and your teen DO have a pretty decent relationship, and you are also upset with your partner or ex. What can be done to try to find balance in this high-wire act?
Listen, reflect, and empathize. This does NOT mean you have to agree, which is especially helpful if you think your teen is being kinda ridiculous or melodramatic. You can hear what your kid has to say, and summarize what they say with “It sounds like…” or “When ____ happens, you feel _____.” You can empathize with how they’re feeling (without agreeing or disagreeing about what happened or what caused it) like “It sucks to feel so misunderstood,” or “I get upset when someone talks down to me too.” This approach helps keep the lines of communication open.
Stay neutral-ish. Whether you do or don’t have a good relationship with your kid’s other parent, it’s usually helpful to remain respectful, or at least, neutral in how you talk about them. Stay away from jumping in with any insults or name-calling, but if you’re upset about the situation too, it can be validating to your teen for you to say that you’re also bothered by x,y,z. On the other hand, if you think your teen is overreacting, try really hard not to say this to them or to discredit their feelings. Nothing makes a person shut down faster. It’s more emotionally healthy for everyone if teens have a healthy way to express their feelings. If it feels too hard for you to stay neutral, it might be a good time to help your teen find a therapist so they have a safe space to say what they need to say.
Ask if they would be open to problem-solving. This can be tough because sometimes, as adults, we have a pretty good sense of what needs to happen, and we want to jump in and tell teens what they need to do. This is a DANGER ZONE! Telling your teen what to do in their relationships almost assuredly guarantees that they WON’T do it. Instead, you’re actually much more likely to accomplish your goal if you say something like, “I have some thoughts about what might make things go better. Would it be okay if I share them?” If it’s true, you can tell your teen that it’s up to them how to handle the situation (this helps them feel empowered), but you’re happy to help brainstorm ideas. At the same time, you CAN set boundaries about how they’re allowed to talk about their other parent (no name-calling or degrading comments, etc.) while you problem-solve together.
Check-in. From time to time, ask your teen how they’re doing with their other parent and how they’re feeling about things. You can reassure them that you’re here to listen if they want to talk about it. They may or may not open up, but either way, your asking lets them know that this is a topic that’s okay to talk about.
All relationships take work, and relationships between teens and parents can take extra work. But, it can be done! All these practices you’re putting in place now are likely to build a strong foundation for a great relationship with your teen or, later, adult child in the years to come.
You got this!
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
she/hers
916-287-3305
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com