Letting Go of Guilt and Obligation in Relationships
Ivy Griffin
Ever wonder why feelings of guilt and obligation are so prevalent in your relationships? Many of us grow up in environments that promote a type of familial obligation in which children are thought to owe their parents because the parents "gave them life" or basic necessities like food, shelter, etc. Children who learn this form of familial obligation may get subtly or not-so-subtly guilt-tripped by their parents when they disagree with them, ask for emotional support, or don't want to spend time with them. These guilt trips might include phrases like "After all I've done for you" or "I didn't know I was such a horrible parent". The implication is that even though you did not ask to be born, you owe your parents an unlimited amount.
When this is the foundation of our understanding of relationships, we learn that "love" involves both entitlement and obligation, almost like a monetary transaction. In this type of environment, we unconsciously internalize messages like "If someone does something for me/gives me something, there's no limits to what I owe them" and vice versa, "If I do something for someone, they're obligated to meet my needs" and that's what "love" is. No wonder so many of us develop anxiety around giving and receiving gifts and the weight of obligation they may bring.
These types of beliefs can cause a lot of anxiety about forming relationships. We may ask ourselves "How do I get a partner?" or "How do I make them like me?" The focus becomes what we can do for others to please them rather than just being ourselves. These beliefs can also cause a lot of frustration and disappointment within relationships: "I've given this person my time, affection, bought them dinner, why won't they meet my needs?" Under a transactional model, others not meeting our needs is experienced as a personal slight and we feel hurt instead of recognizing that perhaps we’re just not a good match.
Perhaps you can see how a transactional model of relationships can make them feel fraught and painful at times. So how do we start to unlearn these beliefs? Because these beliefs are embedded in so much of society, I like to think of the unlearning process as more of a practice that we maintain throughout our lives.
Identify what you want your relationships to be about instead of obligation – Some examples might be mutual respect and consideration, open and honest communication, sharing interests, encouragement, etc.
Respect all boundaries – In order to challenge the belief that relationships are built on obligation, we must honor and respect our boundaries and others'. That means that even if we feel disappointed or inconvenienced by someone saying "No" or "I can't" or "I'd rather not", we respect their boundaries. The converse is also true that we don’t need to alter our boundaries just because someone else is inconvenienced.
Start meeting your own needs – The more we can meet our own needs, the less pressure and obligation we place on others to meet them for us. This might mean practicing doing fun, interesting, fulfilling things on your own, being thoughtful and kind towards yourself, and listening to your own voice through activities like writing, singing, art, gardening, etc
As we let go of these beliefs, we may notice relationships begin to fall away and old beliefs like “I didn’t do enough to get their love” may surface. It’s important that we remind ourselves that some people may lack the capacity to engage in reciprocal, caring, respectful relationships due to emotional immaturity or their own wounding. We cannot force personal growth or change on anyone, it has to come from within. It’s also important to remember that the more authentic we are, the more quickly we will realize who we connect with and who we don’t. With time, we will find that the relationships that last are of a higher quality and feel more satisfying.
If you’d like to explore this topic more deeply or feel you could use some support processing unhealthy relationships and developing a healthier relationship with yourself, don’t hesitate to reach out!
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032
Therapist and Program Manager
Thrive Therapy and Counseling
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430