Reducing Anxiety & Disappointment Through Self-Compassion
Ivy Griffin
“What’s wrong with me?!” “This should be easier!” “I shouldn’t feel this way!” Sound familiar? Even if you’re not aware that you tell yourself these things, you might be familiar with the feelings they bring up: frustration, exasperation, anxiety, disappointment, hopelessness. They all share the same basic belief – I am not good enough. When we struggle, sometimes we’re hard on ourselves for struggling; we want to rush through uncomfortable feelings and be done with them! Little do we know, our effort to rid ourselves of these uncomfortable feelings might be making them more intense!
Why does this happen?
When we experience strong emotions as children, our caregivers’ acceptance, understanding, and support help us to regulate. It’s almost like they help us carry the load and give us the message “You’re not alone, this is manageable.” If our caregivers are stressed or unavailable for some reason, they may not be able to provide the support we need to regulate strong emotions effectively. They might even give us the message that expressing strong emotions adds to their stress. So we suppress what we feel by telling ourselves “Get over it!” Of course, this doesn’t make our emotions go away, it just pushes them down until they resurface, sometimes unexpectedly and with greater intensity.
How does this contribute to anxiety and disappointment?
We begin to associate strong emotions like anger and sadness with being alone, unsupported, and overwhelmed. This may cause us to fear these emotions and may even lead to anxiety and panic. We try to avoid situations that might bring up these feelings but because our feelings are as natural and as certain as the sunrise, they always come again and lead us to feel disappointed in our perceived “failure” to suppress them, avoid them, or cope more effectively.
So how is self-compassion supposed to help?
It’s not actually the feelings themselves that are giving us anxiety but how we view them. If we view them as bad, wrong, unwelcome, and inconvenient, of course we’re going to feel anxious about avoiding them and disappointed when they arise. However, if we were to meet these emotions with the acceptance, understanding, and support we always needed, there would be no reason to avoid them because they wouldn’t be scary or unwanted. In time, they would become more manageable.
How do I show myself compassion when I’m experiencing strong emotions?
The next time you experience anger or frustration, try thinking of a real or imagined compassionate person. They’re kind and nonjudgmental and they’re here to support you. Imagine them saying “I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. Tell me more about what’s bothering you.” After you’ve told them (aloud or to yourself) what’s happened, imagine them saying “It’s totally understandable why you’re upset. Is there anything within your control that would offer you some relief?” Sometimes, the situation is out of our control and all we can do is soothe ourselves. If that’s the case, consider going for a walk, practicing deep breathing, or drinking some herbal tea. If there is something you can do, see if you can break it down to its smallest parts and take one step when you feel ready.
With practice, our emotions begin to feel more manageable. We start to learn that no matter what we feel, we can manage it with patience and compassion. Over time, we begin to develop more confidence in navigating our emotions and we no longer fear or feel disappointed when we experience strong or uncomfortable emotions. This process takes time and we can often use support. Please don’t hesitate to reach out.
All my best,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Therapist and Program Manager
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430