Making Therapy Work For You

A few years ago someone close to me, knowing I was a therapist, approached me hesitantly. They shared that they had been seeing a therapist for a while and noted that they felt frustrated and confused. They felt like they had been trying to make it work, but noted that it felt like therapy wasn’t working and wondered if there was something wrong with them or if they had a bad therapist. 

After some discussion it became clear that part of the problem was that the therapist's theoretical orientation and the goals and personality of the person close to me didn’t align well, which is normal and can occur. 

So what do you do when a therapist isn’t a good fit? 

The first step is self reflection; 

• How many times have you met the therapist? Sometimes we can tell early on that something isn’t right for us and that’s okay, however sometimes we get so anxious that we self sabotage and find excuses as to why we should just give up on therapy. Trust your instincts,but also give your therapist a fair chance, therapists aren’t miracle workers and sometimes we need more than one session to really connect with a client.

• Have you made efforts to implement skills and tools recommended and have you been honest with your therapist when they asked? If the answer is no, then it’s important to look at what stopped you from using the tools they provided (did the tools make you uncomfortable, did it feel like too much work, was it impractical for your life, et cetera) and have an honest conversation with your therapist. They may be able to tweak tools to better suit your needs, or find resources that are a better fit. Therapists aren’t mind readers if you don’t communicate with us we have to operate on incomplete information which can lead to lackluster results.

• Have you tried discussing the issue with the therapist? If you have repeatedly discussed the issue with your therapist, and have made active efforts to participate and engage and you still feel like nothing is changing then it is well within your rights to look for a therapist who will be a better fit and meet your needs. However if you have never had the courage to broach the subject with your therapist then I highly recommend that you make an effort to talk with them about the issue. They may have been unaware of the issue, and able to adjust their approach to better suit your needs.

The next step is to sit down with the therapist and have an open and honest conversation about your concerns.

 As long as you communicate and express yourself respectfully, a good therapist will understand if you feel that they aren’t the right fit, and they may even be able to help connect you with a therapist who is more in line with your needs, or help you better identify what kind of support you are looking for. 

And remember just because a therapist wasn’t the right fit for you, doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t the right fit for someone else. 

Warmly,

Megan Bell, LMFT # 114303

Thrive Therapy & Counseling

1614 X St., Suite A

Sacramento, CA, 95818

916-287-3430

thrivetherapyandcounseling.com

How We Self-Sabotage With Self-Judgment

As HSPs, we may spend a significant amount of energy managing our day-to-day lives. Work, home responsibilities, social interactions, and running errands can leave us feeling drained and like we need lots of time to recuperate. This can be tough when we live in a society that values productivity and activity over rest and rejuvenation. It’s easy for self-judgment about what we “ought” to be doing to creep in. 

This self-judgment can manifest as a sense of “I’m not doing enough”, “I’m so lazy”, or “What’s wrong with me that I can’t do more?” When these messages are the ones playing loudest and most often in our heads, they interrupt the time we need to recuperate and make it so we can never fully relax. They can also put pressure on our social interactions which can lead them to feel strained or tense. In the end, our self-judgment drains us of even more energy so that we’re not only left feeling exhausted, we feel bad about ourselves as well. 

So what can we do? 

• Recognize where this self-judgment comes from -- We learn these messages and we can unlearn them with time and practice. They may reflect the values of the wider society and/or our peers and family. But do they represent our values? At the end of the day, we’re the ones that must live in our own heads so we must think about the way we talk to ourselves. 

• Try challenging these messages with questions like “Are all societal/familial values healthy?” or “How does it impact me to buy into this mindset?” or “Who stands to benefit from me buying into the belief that I need to be productive to be valued?”

• Start replacing these messages with more realistic and compassionate ones like “Adequate rest is essential to my ability to function at my best.” or “Just because rest and rejuvenation were not valued in my family, doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable and healthy.” and “Taking time to myself helps me to be more available and engaged when I do have to/choose to interact with others.”

Over time, we can begin to build the type of acceptance we need to be more compassionate and understanding towards ourselves and others. When we honor and respect our own boundaries and needs, we bring that to our relationships and interactions as well. With practice, we may start to find that we’re better able to find balance in our lives and finally let go of the self-judgment that’s been holding us back. 

Initiating and maintaining these types of practices can be difficult -- don’t be afraid to reach out for support! The therapists at Thrive are here to help.

Best wishes, 

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, AMFT #99821

she/hers

Supervised by Ivy Griffin, LMFT #51714

Thrive Therapy & Counseling

916-287-3430

thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda