Understanding Validation: Part II
Ivy Griffin
In my last blog, I introduced the concept of validation which is about hearing and understanding another person and letting them know that you get it. We do not have to agree with someone to validate them and we do not want to validate the invalid. For example: If someone felt so angry they punched a hole in the wall, I would not validate the action of punching the hole in the wall, I would validate the fact that the person was angry. When at a loss for how/what to validate in a situation, try to identify the emotion or feeling someone is experiencing and validate this. Emotions are always valid, what we do with them may or may not be valid.
There are six total DBT levels of validation, these are the final three:
Level 4. Understand. Show the person that what they are feeling, thinking or experiencing makes sense, given the situation or their history (ex: “The fact that you feel _____ makes sense given…”).
Level 5. Acknowledge the Valid. It is important to acknowledge that a person’s behaviors, feelings or thoughts are valid in a situation based on the circumstances. Acknowledge intent or effort even if the outcome is not perfect. When feeling misunderstood, we often become more emotionally agitated and communicate less effectively. Thus, by communicating that we understand someone they in turn will often experience a decrease in heightened emotions or distress.
Level 6. Show Equality. Treat others as equal, do not try to “one-up” them or treat them as fragile or incompetent. Be willing to admit mistakes and be willing to give-up defensiveness. By doing these things we allow for a more respectful conversation to take place where each person is able to communicate in a rational manner.
Validation is the first step to healthy and effective communication. It allows us to build trust and understanding between us even if we do not totally agree. Do not forget to review levels 1-3 in order to really polish your validation skills!
Warmly,
Paige Roberts, AMFT # 115728
Supervised by Ivy Griffin, LMFT #51714
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
916-287-0884