The Importance of Saying NO
Ivy Griffin
In theory, saying the simple word of NO is a piece of cake, two-year-olds do it all the time. However, many of us struggle with refusing a request and end up saying yes while quietly wishing we could just say no. There are many reasons that saying no can feel uncomfortable or difficult: we may worry about upsetting or offending someone, we might feel guilty, we might also feel as though we are being selfish.
The ability to say no can be a wonderful feeling, especially when it allows us to stay true to our own values, wishes, or needs. It helps us maintain healthy relationships due to making sure that there is give and take and it also keeps us from building resentment. Saying no allows us to prioritize our own needs rather than neglecting them, and creates more space for us to attend to our own wellbeing.
If saying no is a struggle for you, the DBT skill of FAST can be a great tool.
F -- be Fair. When saying no, do not make the other person feel bad about their request or opinions. Recognize that each person is entitled to their own opinion. For example, “I know that you wanted me to help on the project but unfortunately I am currently too busy with work of my own”.
A -- no Apologies. Do not over-apologize when saying no. It is okay to apologize once if necessary, (“I have a conflict in my schedule and am sorry to cancel on such short notice...”). Ultimately it is important to be confident when refusing a request (maintain eye contact, strong voice, confident/ open body language) this conveys that we know why we are saying no, and are not ambivalent.
S -- Stick to your values. Remaining true to yourself and your beliefs/values is highly important. We want to be able to say no when something goes against our values. Ask yourself if a request or opinion fits within your values, if it does not this can be a good indicator that saying no will be a healthy choice. For example, “No I am not going to join you in ______”
T -- tell the Truth. Be honest when saying no. It is not helpful to make up a fib or a lie as to why you cannot or will not do something. It is okay to own your refusal and recognize that your reasons (whatever they may be) are valid.
If you find yourself questioning whether or not to say no or are struggling with how to say no in a situation, review the FAST skill to give yourself some helpful reminders. Ultimately it is good to remember that saying no is good both for our own mental health and for maintaining healthy relationships.
Best,
Paige Roberts, AMFT # 115728
Supervised by Ivy Griffin, LMFT #51714
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
1614 X St., Suite A
Sacramento, CA 95818
916-287-0884