How Beliefs and Expectations Influence Our Relationships
Ivy Griffin
As the new year progresses, many of us are reflecting on our relationships and interactions with others. We may feel frustrated by the amount of energy it seems to take to interact with some people. Or perhaps there are certain behaviors that really get under our skin. Whatever the case, we come away from these interactions feeling as though we’ve given our all to be patient, to communicate, and be courteous while others seem to take us for granted.
Feelings like these may be attributable to patterns in which we are taking on more than our share of responsibility for the interaction or the relationship. This can happen due to societal, cultural, or familial expectations that we absorb over time. These expectations might be unspoken which can make them hard to recognize but feelings of anxiety, stress, worry, and exhaustion can be indicators that we’re being influenced by unspoken expectations and/or a belief that “If I don’t do (x), things will fall apart”.
Beliefs like this can put undue pressure on us and our relationships and can actually lead to us avoiding certain people or interactions due to overwhelm. So how do we start to recognize and change these patterns?
Notice how you feel before, after, and during your interactions with others-- Feelings are full of information for us and can be signals that something needs our attention. Take a moment to pause and check in with yourself when you interact with certain people and see what types of feelings come up for you. Are you looking forward to this interaction or are you feeling anxiety and dread?
Ask yourself: “What do I believe is required of me to have this interaction/relationship?”-- Don’t worry about how your beliefs may sound, just be honest with yourself. For example, many of us harbor internalized beliefs that we must always accommodate the needs of others in order to be accepted. Our beliefs don’t always make sense but that might be a good indicator there’s something more to explore about why you feel the way you do.
Ask yourself: “If I didn’t believe (x), how would it change the way I feel/act?”-- Using the example from above, if you no longer believed you always had to accommodate the needs of others, how would it change things for you? Would you worry less? Enjoy interactions with others more? Perhaps you would take more time for yourself and be more responsive to your own needs.
You can begin to make some of these changes now.-- Just being more aware of relationship dynamics and your beliefs can start to bring about positive changes because you are making more conscious choices about how you interact with others. You can also start to behave as if you had already let go of your old, unhealthy beliefs. Devote more of your time and energy to activities that rejuvenate you and relationships in which you experience reciprocal respect, fondness, and care.
Change is always possible but can be challenging. If you need support exploring the types of changes you’d like to make in your life, don’t hesitate to reach out to the therapists at Thrive . We are here to help.
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, AMFT #99821
she/hers
Supervised by Ivy Griffin, LMFT #51714
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
916-287-3430
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda