Oppositonal Behavior In Adolescents
Ivy Griffin
Teens are notorious for testing boundaries and questioning everything their parents tell them. Gone are the days when a little reverse psychology or the old “Guess you aren’t big enough yet...” routine could get them to eat their greens or brush their teeth. Now, they are moody, irritable, nap during the day, and have little interest in getting tasks done on our timeline. My goal for this post is to highlight some possible causes for oppositional behaviors in teens, as well as some ways to approach their defiance differently.
Of note, this topic is wide reaching and too complicated to address fully in a single article. While this may give you a start, know that oppositional behaviors are one of the most difficult to address, which is one reason why the teenage years can be so tough.
To start, we have to figure out where these defiant behaviors are coming from. Remember, all behaviors serve two functions: communication and meeting needs. We have to start by figuring out what they are trying to communicate and what need is being met by the behavior.
To do this, talk with your teen about any changes you have seen, and approach them with empathy and curiosity. This can be as simple as “I’ve noticed you have been having a hard time. I don’t like fighting and want to understand what’s going on for you because I care. Let me know if you want to talk.” Then give them space and let them come to you on their own. By approaching your child with this stance, you open a door while allowing them the freedom and choice to walk through it.
Often, teenagers will act out when they are struggling with friends, school, or romantic relationships. When this is the case, parents can sometimes be the most emotionally safe people to take their frustration out on. After all, snapping at a teacher or peer might have dire consequences in the eyes of an adolescent (lower grade, damage within their peer group, etc.). However, lashing out at a parent might meet some hidden needs that can be very subtle. By arguing with family, the following hidden needs may get met:
Expressing difficult feelings without damage to their outside world
Attention and human interaction
Momentary distraction from other life problems
By approaching them with empathy and trying to understand the underlying issue, you break out of that familiar but uncomfortable pattern and model how to get emotional needs met in a more constructive and effective way.
However, let’s say your defiant and challenging child says their problem isn’t outside the family, it’s with you! Most parents have a hard time approaching their child empathically if they are getting criticized and put down. However, this teaching window is when it is most important to remind ourselves to provide the model for the adult that we want our child to become.
In the moment, this can feel nearly impossible to remember. To make it easier, have a plan for your own self control before talking with them. Think about how you would want your child to talk to their future boss, spouse, friends, etc., about a difficult topic. To model assertiveness and positive communication, try something like “I hear what you are saying, but I don’t appreciate being spoken to this way. I want to have this conversation but I love you too much to argue.” This shows how to set boundaries and displays assertiveness. By remaining in control of your own emotions, you show them how to do it, and showing is always better than telling or lecturing.
As I said before, this is one of the most challenging topics for many parents. Know that you are not alone, and it is okay to make mistakes. My final suggestion would be to be open to new ways of parenting, as this shows our children that it is okay to not know everything and is normal to struggle sometimes. By joining with them in this process, working through difficult behaviors will become easier for both of you over time.
Wishing you and your family all the best,
Ben
Ben Friday, LMFT #122263
He/His/Him
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
916-287-3430
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
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