Grief and Loss: It's Not Just About Death - Part 1

Today I want to introduce one of my favorite topics in therapy.  It can often explain so much of our teen’s (and our own) experience, but we don’t always think about it in a broader context.  That topic is grief and loss, and not just related to death.  

I am hoping this can be an ongoing discussion, so this first blog post will introduce the topic, with future posts digging into deeper concepts.  For today, let’s focus on what it is and how it can relate to what all adolescents are experiencing during this developmental stage.  

First, let’s define what grief is; a normal reaction to change resulting in a loss.  One of my favorite sayings in therapy is that we grieve nouns; people, places, things, and ideas. For example, if someone dies we typically experience a specific type of grief, called bereavement.  But what about a divorce?  Adolescents grieve the loss of their parents living in the same house, and the time that used to be spent all together as a family unit.  What about when a traumatic event happens?  We grieve the loss of our innocence and sense of safety in the world.  A major move?  We grieve the loss of familiar places, friends and teachers that we have grown accustomed too.  Even something positive like going away to college has a loss component to it.  Whenever we are going towards something, we are leaving something behind.  

Oftentimes when our teens seem moody and down, we either assume it is typical teen angst, or we get them into therapy for fear that they have Major Depression or Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  While both of these may be true at times, we often neglect to think about adolescence being a time of tumultuous change and loss.  The transition into young adulthood is characterized by striving for independence, but that in itself means leaving childhood behind (loss!) and distance from our parents (another loss!).  

Often a starting point for helping our children through this subtle grief process is to normalize and validate that what they are going through is difficult.  Meet them with empathy and care.  Help them to strive for independence and being capable of solving their own problems, while being close by to guide them should they fail or make a mistake.  

In addition, when we grieve a death, we often have traditions such as a funeral or a wake to symbolically mourn the loss.  These symbols can be important in any grief reaction as well.  Find some way to commemorate and symbolically honor the change that is occurring, such as spending extra time with friends and visiting favorite restaurants before a big move.  For a divorce, help them understand what to expect and maintain any traditions that are possible, within reason.  For going to college, a going away party can be a fun and happy occasion, but also make time for reminiscing about what will be missed and pay attention to the bitter sweet nature of the change as well.  

I hope to dive more in depth into these concepts in later articles, with a focus on specific tasks for moving through the grief process, But I want to end here with a final reminder that grief is normal and it does not mean something is wrong with a person for feeling any and all their feelings when a loss occurs. Encourage them to let their feelings exist, and honor with them that change and loss can be difficult.

Wishing you and your family all the best,

Ben

Ben Friday, LMFT #122263

He/His/Him

Thrive Therapy & Counseling

916-287-3430

thrivetherapyandcounseling.com

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