Grief and Loss: It's not just about death - Part 2
Ivy Griffin
For the next installment in this series about grief and adolescents, I want to focus on one of the four tasks that are important to working through the grief/loss process: acknowledgment of the loss. While we typically start with this task, it is important to note that all four tasks may be completed in any order and worked on simultaneously. The process will vary from person to person and loss to loss, so our focus is on guiding ourselves and loved ones through as best we can, instead of focusing on particular milestones in a regimented order.
As I mentioned in the previous article, the teenage years are in and of themselves a distinct period of loss, specifically losing our childhood and reliance on caregivers to meet our basic needs. When engaging in the task of acknowledgment we can assist our teens (and ourselves) in moving through this period in a handful of ways.
First, talk with them directly and ask questions about this period of transition. By acknowledging that they are going through a period of change, we normalize and validate their experience. This opens the door for them to talk with us about what they might be struggling with. Try to focus on listening and avoid sharing too many personal experiences unless they ask. As tempting as it can be to try and pour all of our knowledge into their heads, they have to be open to it. The more we are talking, the less our kids tend to listen, so keep it short and sweet and focus on asking questions and reflecting feelings.
Second, find or create physical symbols that highlight the change. For example, taking pictures, going out to dinner to commemorate special occasions, or giving small but meaningful gifts to acknowledge change are a few ways to landmark important milestones of moving out of childhood and into adulthood.
Finally, as is a common theme for parenting in general, we never want to discount the importance of modeling how to manage the feelings that come with loss and grief. Whatever form this takes in your child, such as stress about what career path they will choose, saying bye to friends or changing friend groups due to conflict, how we respond to our child during this time is still important. By validating feelings that are valid (i.e. sadness when saying goodbyes to friends), we help our child feel seen and understood, and they are able to process their feelings more appropriately and openly.
While it might seem silly or obvious to verbally or symbolically acknowledge loss, even when it is as common and inevitable as our children growing up, it’s important not to skip this step. By verbalizing what you notice is happening for your teen, you give them permission to share their thoughts and feelings in a more authentic and meaningful way. This will lead to more open dialogue in the future, comfort and safety in being able to talk about what is on their mind as they continue to grow, and improved emotional intelligence, which we know is a helpful life skill for all of us.
Stay tuned for more tools on how to help your teen work through grief and loss.
All the best,
Ben
Ben Friday, LMFT #122263
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
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