Imagine that you’re at a party or gathering at a friend’s house. As a highly sensitive person, you may have felt some anxiety or dread about going to the party and having to make small talk. Some of the folks in attendance are friends, and you gravitate toward talking to them. But, you notice a couple of people who hang back and don’t seem to know many others. Your empathy kicks in, and you decide to go chat with them to help them feel more welcome. While you’re talking, another person or two joins in the conversation and brings up a political issue you care about deeply. As you passionately discuss the matter, you add in how you cannot understand anyone who thinks otherwise. The person you initially approached quietly says, “I disagree” and wanders away.
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Is there someone in your life who saw you and could show you the gem that you inherently hold? This is one of the basic needs we experience as human beings. It's natural and normal to want to be surrounded by people who can hold us in a safe and compassionate space. It's deeply imperative for our self development as we continually learn through observing the folks around us (i.e. our parents, grandparents, friends, neighbors, etc). They show us their views and values, what's “acceptable'' or not and how they treat others and how they accept treatment. We begin to interpret this as our truths and frame our way of seeing the world.
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So, you’ve decided. After all the internal deliberation, it is clear to you that your romantic relationship needs to end. It’s time to break up. But how the heck will you do it?
You may be running through all sorts of possible scenarios in your head, imagining best and worst outcomes, preparing what to say and what definitely NOT to say. There are some decisions to make regarding the “when”, “where”, and especially the “how” of all of this, and it is a lot to sort out! Here are a few factors to examine when initiating the severing of the relationship.
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Do you ever feel frustrated when you're trying to figure out where the voice of your inner critic came from? Or why it's so strong? Perhaps your therapist has even asked you this in sessions and you repeatedly draw a blank. This can be so frustrating when we're trying to make sense of things and find some relief.
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If we can let go of the dogma, the expectations, the institution of religion, the threat of morality etc. and can look at spirituality from the lens of “ that which we cannot see”, or curiosity, it can lead us into a world of supportive practices that are not just helpful to the soul (whether or not you believe in that sort of thing) but can also be helpful to our mental health.
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Self-harm is a scary and uncomfortable topic that is often kept hidden and seen as a shameful secret or as a dramatic attention seeking behavior. However, the more this issue is kept hidden and seen as shameful the longer it is able to persist and go untreated.
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The Tower. One of the most feared images and archetypes in the Tarot. A symbol of significant, profound change, often unwanted and unexpected. The kind of change that might invite symptoms that meet criteria for an adjustment disorder. Debilitating sadness, grief, fear, dread, anger, confusion. All difficult feelings we might experience with a life altering moment such as a death, a trauma, divorce, eviction, a traumatic injury, or job loss. When we are in the throes of The Tower, it can be difficult to see which way is up and which way is down. It requires a certain kind of surrender as these walls come crashing down, for resisting this change would only lead to injury or destruction.
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Ever notice that taking responsibility can feel scary sometimes? Like you'd rather let someone else make decisions for you? Or maybe you avoid taking control of your finances because you feel bad at math or you feel ashamed you don't know more about budgeting. Perhaps you leave everything up to the universe and hope for the best while fearing the worst. You are NOT alone!
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Ever wonder why feelings of guilt and obligation are so prevalent in your relationships? Many of us grow up in environments that promote a type of familial obligation in which children are thought to owe their parents because the parents "gave them life" or basic necessities like food, shelter, etc. Children who learn this form of familial obligation may get subtly or not-so-subtly guilt-tripped by their parents when they disagree with them, ask for emotional support, or don't want to spend time with them. These guilt trips might include phrases like "After all I've done for you" or "I didn't know I was such a horrible parent". The implication is that though you did not ask to be born, you owe your parents an unlimited amount.
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For people who identify as highly sensitive or empathic, intense embarrassment and shame might be particularly difficult experiences. Making a mistake can be followed by intense physical sensations and emotions: your face gets hot, your heart rate spikes, and sometimes you may even want to disappear. While this is normal and might even feel manageable for some, people who are highly sensitive may struggle to recover from these feelings. It can be such a shock to the system that they may ruminate for hours or days on the incident that led them to feel this way, trying to understand what happened or worse, being hard on themselves about it.
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The parents I’ve worked with over the years care deeply about setting a good example for their teens, guiding them, and showing them love. This may be a part of why there can be a sense of shame around “getting it wrong” with their kids. Society and parents themselves can set almost impossible standards at times for what constitutes “good parenting”. This can make human error, challenges, and unexpected outcomes feel scary. We feel so much empathy for teens when they make mistakes or face challenges but don’t always give parents the same grace.
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The act of ending a romantic relationship is often painful even in the most amicable of circumstances, and finally coming to the decision to do so can be an extremely confusing process. Many people, understandably, have significant anxiety and trepidation about breaking up. How do you know when it’s the right time? How do you actually do it? What about all the “what ifs”?
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Throughout my time in private practice, I have come to notice a theme amongst my clients around their self-worth. More specifically, what it is tied to, which tends to be their productivity and net worth. I heard a quote once that really resonated with me and it stated that most people these days “wear their burnout like a badge of honor”. I am not sure about you, but that is not a badge I would like to earn (former girl scout speaking here) and it pains me to know how many of us do this so consciously and willingly. When people equate their net worth with their self-worth, I have witnessed a plethora of mental health issues including; difficulty being present, sitting with oneself and struggles with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
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If you are reading this blog post, you likely identify as a Highly Sensitive Person. So, you know that as an HSP, you can become pretty easily overwhelmed by the world around you. Highly Sensitive People are sensitive to both environmental and emotional stimuli, which can lead to anxiety and burnout. As an HSP, boundary-setting is crucial for protecting your energy and wellbeing. It is important to say "no" when you feel overloaded, and to take time to recharge.
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For any teen, struggling with depression can be overwhelming, and figuring out how to talk to people about it can be daunting. It’s common for anyone struggling with depression to avoid talking to their support system because they are worried about loved ones either overreacting, or being dismissive.
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