How to Help Tweens or Teens Navigate Toxic Friendships (Collaboration with Care.com)

Parenting tweens and teens can feel like walking a tightrope at times — juggling being protective without being overbearing. You need to give them space to make their own choices (and sometimes mistakes) as they grow more independent, but this can be a particularly difficult situation to navigate when your child is tangled in what appears to be a toxic friendship.

Click here to check out this Care.com article our Director, Ivy Griffin, was interviewed for filled with tips and support for how to navigate this tough situation! 🌿

Alternative Names for “Therapist”

Years ago, a dear friend and I were engaging in one of my favorite activities - talking about each of our most recent therapy sessions. We had both always made plenty a joke over the course of our relationship about our mutual love of emotional processing, so what better way to do so than discuss the actual process *of* processing?

During the conversation, my friend made a humorous comment about how therapy feels a bit like a “professional one-sided friendship”. This comment was made as a statement of both fondness for the therapeutic connection and also with acknowledgment of and respect for the legal and ethical boundaries that therapists must adhere to. Thinking back on this moment more recently, now a therapist myself, I began thinking about other terms that could be used to describe a therapist’s role - with caveats.

Professional One-Sided Friend*

There are too many studies to cite about the impact of the therapeutic alliance on the effectiveness of therapy, some even pointing to evidence that “goodness of fit” - which I sometimes call “therapeutic chemistry” -  is the most important factor that contributes to progress over all others. This tenant is even more vital than specific therapy modality or theory or even number of years the therapist has been practicing. Diving into the therapy process can be vulnerable and emotionally intimate, requiring trust that can often feel quite similar to that of a friendship, just minus the reciprocal nature of one. 

It isn’t uncommon for a client to wonder about their therapist’s life outside of session or hope that the affinity felt in the room is reciprocal. This experience actually is not unique to clients! There have been plenty of times when I’ve thought that in an alternative version of life, I could easily see myself being pals with someone I’m working with. I have heard similar sentiments from many colleagues as well. The work tends to progress more smoothly and more momentously when there is rapport and comfort.

*Look, I know you know this, but I have to say it just in case - The therapeutic alliance can be deeply tender and warm and great and comfortable AND a therapist is not a friend. The relationship cannot function as it is intended to if it becomes deeply personal in a mutual way. It is ok to be bummed out about this fact!

Clinical Secret Keeper*

Confidentiality is yet another staple of the therapeutic process, not to mention a hugely important legal and ethical necessity. Being a “vault” for others is as well practiced for me in my personal life as it is in my professional life, as privacy is vital for that very important aforementioned trust. The experience of sharing the unshared, of shining a light onto the problems thriving under the protection of silence, can feel immensely liberating. It can also be terrifying! Being the recipient of such “classified” material on a personal level is a remarkable honor.

*Ok, again, you are aware of this, but confidentiality does have exceptions, like if a client discloses a risk of imminent harm to themselves or others, or if they share about child or elder abuse. Also, therapist mileage may vary, but I personally will not keep secrets in the context of couples therapy. In relationships, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and only one of them typically involves a boundary violation.

Feelings Acceptance Coordinator*

A huge part of the therapy process is learning not only to identify feelings but learn to accept and live with them. I often find that clients are either over-encumbered by what feels like “too many feelings” or are so removed from their emotions that they cannot recognize or name them when they arise at all. 

While certainly overused, the premise of “your feelings are valid” still does hold true. Feelings are messengers that carry important information that can help one understand their needs and boundaries. Feelings are also not always action items - sometimes they simply need to be felt and acknowledged internally. Part of learning to live with even intense emotional reactions also means knowing when we need to soothe them ourselves rather than rely on others to regulate us. It’s a tough balance!

*Last caveat for the last point - Sometimes we are not ready to face certain emotions, and it can be important to respect and be gentle with that as well. Feelings are sometimes exiled for very good reasons, and it takes time and patience for that readiness to come. And that’s alright, too!

In all honesty, there is not a single week of practicing therapy that doesn’t include a moment of me thinking to myself, “wow, this profession is so weird”. There is also not a single week of practicing therapy that doesn’t include a moment of thinking, “wow, this profession is so incredible”.

Warmly,

Leigh Johnson, LMFT #146804

they/them, he/him

Therapist, Program Analyst

“I don't want to be a burden”: How the mask of invulnerability may be hurting your relationships

I don't want to be a burden.

I don't wanna put my stuff on other people. 

I don't want to seem weak or needy.

These phrases might be familiar if you've learned that it's not okay to have needs, or that others’ needs are more important than yours. There are a number of reasons this might be the case: you might be an HSP (highly sensitive person), you might have grown up in a family where needs weren't discussed, you might have received messages from the dominant culture that your needs are unimportant, maybe all of the above. You might believe that the only way you can get love is by suppressing your needs, but it actually might be hurting your relationships.  

Being Vulnerable Can Be Scary

One could easily think that being vulnerable is natural and comfortable for HSPs, but that’s not necessarily the case. If you grew up in an environment in which there was no room for your needs, having or expressing them might feel painful or even threatening. You might have started suppressing your needs, or even denying you have them, at a very young age. But having needs for compassion, affection, and respect are as natural as the needs for food and sleep. Without them, we cannot thrive. 

Resentment

Feeling vulnerable emotions like sadness and disappointment help us to identify our needs and express them, giving others a chance to meet them if they're able and willing. When we suppress our needs for fear of being a burden, we add another need on top of our original needs – the need to be appreciated for staying silent. We may find that over time, we become resentful of the other person for not recognizing how hard we're working not to be a burden. For HSPs, having a kind and generous spirit may be a big part of our identity, so feelings like resentment may feel foreign or even threatening. Ultimately, these emotions are a chance for us to adapt, grow, and experience more satisfying connections. 

The Chance to Be Supportive 

Suppressing our needs also deprives our loved ones of opportunities to support us in meaningful ways. If you've ever learned someone was hiding their needs from you, you know how it feels to be deprived of the opportunity to be there for them. You may say to them, “I wish you'd told me sooner” – others may feel this way towards us as well. Feeling needed can be an enriching part of our relationships that helps build intimacy.  

Authentic Bonds

We may also lose the opportunity to identify and develop authentic, deep connections with others if we hide our vulnerability. For example, if we suppress our desire for regular communication, we may find ourselves in relationships with people who don't communicate as often as we'd like, leaving us feeling inauthentic and dissatisfied. Whereas, if we express this need up front, we're more likely to get it met within the relationship or to realize we're not the best match. The time and energy we use suppressing our vulnerability is better spent finding people with whom we can be ourselves. 

When we develop a certain pattern to help us feel safe, change can be difficult and scary. Working with a professional who understands high sensitivity can help us to develop coping tools that enhance our sense of safety and take steps toward change that feel meaningful and manageable. If you’re an HSP, and struggle with vulnerability, please reach out. We'd love to help. 

Warmly,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032

Therapist/Program Manager/Supervisor 

she/her

Talking About Depression

For any teen, struggling with depression can be overwhelming, and figuring out how to talk to people about it can be daunting. It’s common for anyone struggling with depression to avoid talking to their support system because they are worried about loved ones either overreacting, or being dismissive. 

Facing depression alone can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation making the depression worsen, so identifying trusted supports are key. A trusted support might be a specific parent, teacher, friend or mentor that you feel comfortable opening up to and feel has an ability to be calm, positive and supportive. Don’t be scared to directly state what you need from that person in the start of the conversation i.e., “I just need you to listen,” or “I just need to get this off my chest,” et cetera.

As a therapist I recognize that not everyone is fortunate enough to have trusted supports in their life, or be at a place where they are ready or comfortable to open up. If that is the case, I encourage you to find a space and a method to let out and express things that you’re struggling with in a way that feels authentic for you. Some things to try might be

• Journaling

• Running or talking a walk

• Music (listening or playing)

• Painting

• Drawing

Find an outlet that fits you and your interests in life. If you feel ready to talk to someone, but don’t feel comfortable confiding in someone currently in your life you might consider giving therapy a try - Therapists are trained to be non-judgmental objective third parties. In case your depression happens to be more severe and you are struggling with self harm or suicidal thoughts you can text or call 988 to be connected with real time professional support.

Warmly,

Megan Bell LMFT #114303

she/her