Childhood Emotional Neglect and Relationships
Ivy Griffin
Growing up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and/or abuse can make it so hard to build loving relationships. If you were told over and over how sensitive you are, or your feelings were rarely acknowledged as natural reactions to the sharp edges of life, it's hard to feel like anything you think or feel is normal, acceptable, or bearable. This makes it really hard to share our true feelings with others or seek their support. Furthermore, responses from our parents that don't seem to match our experiences can contribute to feelings of distrust, both for ourselves and others.
Out of desperation for comfort, we may rely on things like people-pleasing to build relationships. We may enter relationships behaving as we think we should, giving the other person an inaccurate perception of us, causing us to feel unseen and lonely. This can feed into more people-pleasing as a way to cope with this lack of acceptance – we attempt to elicit the warmth we always craved from others, or at least avoid the neglect, contempt, or aggression we experienced as children.
But the coping mechanisms that helped us survive as children can keep us from thriving as adults. Vulnerability, sharing our needs and feelings, asking for help and support, and having boundaries are all elements of healthy relationships. Starting to do these things may feel scary or threatening, and will challenge relationships that depend on us never having needs or boundaries. It's important that we remind ourselves that change under the best of circumstances is challenging, and that relationships that can't tolerate our growth are not a reflection of our lovability.
One of the best ways we can practice relationship skills is with ourselves. Indeed, showing up for ourselves in hard times is a profound act of love. Here’s how:
Advocating for our needs helps us to feel seen and reminds us that we are worth speaking up for.
Validating our feelings helps us feel more grounded which can help us respond thoughtfully to our emotions versus being reactive.
Practicing self-compassion when we're suffering helps remind us we’re not alone and may help to put our suffering in perspective, making it feel more manageable.
Setting boundaries, including knowing when to say “no”, helps us to respect our own needs while respecting the needs of others, which can strengthen trust and connection.
As we build feelings of trust and safety inside ourselves, it becomes easier to show up authentically with others. When we show up as ourselves with others, we are more likely to feel seen, appreciated, connected, and supported. Improving our relationships with ourselves and others can be challenging – if you would like more support, please reach out!
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032
Therapist, Program Manager, Supervisor
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