It's 3am and you're scrolling on your phone to try and get a break from your repetitive thoughts about the uncomfortable conversation you had earlier with a coworker. Or maybe you're attempting to mentally plan for every possible outcome of a future conversation. Your thoughts are as overwhelming as the hundreds of lines of text and images pouring down your screen. You ask yourself, “What could I have said better? What could I do to prevent this discomfort in the future?” You feel exhausted yet, sleep doesn't come. What can you do?
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“How long does therapy take to start working?” “I've been in therapy over a year, why do I still have the same issues?” “Will I need therapy the rest of my life?” These are important questions that deserve thoughtful consideration. Read on for insights from a therapist who has provided both short and long-term therapy.
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We’ve all had moments where we’ve been less-than-kind to ourselves. We might have struggled to accomplish something and called ourselves either out loud or internally things like failure, lazy, stupid or even worthless. In the moment, it probably doesn’t feel like such a big deal, we might even feel like we deserve it, or we minimize and tell ourselves it isn’t so bad since we only did it once or twice. But the fact of the matter is that word choice is a powerful thing, and every time we direct harsh negativity towards ourselves we are essentially feeding ourselves poison.
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“I want to relax but I feel constantly anxious, like the other shoe is about to drop.”
Hypervigilance can be draining and painful and sometimes makes us feel hopeless. We long for respite from the constant physical tension and the marathon of thoughts running through our heads. How do we swap our experiences of frequent anxiety and fleeting calm for more frequent calm and fleeting anxiety?
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How many times in life have we attempted to have a serious conversation and felt like it derailed? How many times have we entered a discussion and feel baffled by how far from the original point the conversation has flowed? For many attempting to have a serious conversation where we communicate a grievance, concern or address a boundary can be nerve wracking if not anxiety inducing.
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There can be so much anxiety when interacting with medical professionals. We wait weeks, maybe even months for an appointment, and the second we get in the room it can feel like all the air has left the space, and we might feel ourselves shrinking and pulling in. The second they start to speak it can feel like all our well grounded points and concerns were a house of cards and we have trouble asserting ourselves due to nerves or anxiety. For many this ends in deferring to the authority of the professional in the room, even if we don’t agree. When we leave we might be left feeling unheard, dissatisfied and sometimes even gaslit.
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Change is hard. We've tried a million times to change in the past and it always works for a time before slowly reverting back to the way it was before. We feel tired, disappointed, and hopeless. “Why do I even try?” we ask ourselves. “There's got to be a better way”.
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I’ve recently developed a new mini routine in my life, where once a week I walk from my partner’s work to mine. It’s a short walk, we get to save on gas, I get some steps in, and I find that once I arrive at work I feel ready to be present and in the flow. The other day on the radio just before my walk, I heard a classic ACDC song, Hell’s Bells, and I was instantly transported to many different places in my mind. I forgot that I actually like ACDC. It reminded me of my teenage years, of tough scenes in movies, main character energy, and general empowerment and badassery. So I decided to listen to more ACDC on my walk to work: Hells Bells, Highway to Hell, Back in Black, If You Want Blood, a song which always brings me back to the 90’s cult classic movie Empire Records. In this movie, the character Lucas gambles away a significant amount of the record store’s money to save the place from going under. Upon finding that all the money's gone the next morning, the owner Joe becomes vehemently angry with Lucas. As the day goes on, owner Joe confronts more work stressors, the pressure builds, his anger rises, and the only resolve he can find is drumming along cathartically to ACDC.
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Something that many of us hear, but may not have been modeled is how to hold our inner power and set healthy boundaries. Standing in your power and setting healthy boundaries is essential for maintaining your well-being and cultivating healthy relationships. You might ask yourself– What does it look like to stand in your power? Standing in your power means confidently and authentically expressing yourself while taking control of your life and decisions. It involves embracing your inner strength, values, and self-worth. Now this sounds great in theory, but it isn't something that happens over night and needs conscientious practice, self awareness, and validation. I would be remiss to not address that there are various cultural, societal, and systemic oppressions that are created to take our power away. And while that may be true–
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Have you ever thought, "If only I had a partner, then I'd be happy"? Or maybe you've imagined how much better life would be if you were out with friends. Many of us imagine that in some other version of our lives the grass is greener, but what might be the consequences of this belief?
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Pre-sleep rumination is a frustrating experience that has plagued most human beings. If you too find yourself struggling to fall asleep due to rumination (when we dwell on negative feelings and distress in a repetitive manner, heightening or exacerbating anxious and depressive feelings) you may find some of the following tips helpful.
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Most of us have experienced that frustrating moment when no matter how hard we try to fall asleep we can’t seem to quiet the chatter in our minds, and it feels like all our stresses and fears hit us like a freight train. That chatter is often rumination, and it tends to hit us right when we are trying to fall asleep because we are finally still, and usually distraction free. Rumination is when we dwell on negative feelings and distress in a repetitive manner, which in turn heightens or exacerbates anxious and/or depressive feelings. For anyone familiar with anxiety and depression, rumination can quickly become a core component of the experience.
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Do you believe you should be able to please everyone all the time? Do you become angry with yourself or intensely embarrassed when you make mistakes? You might have some perfectionistic tendencies. Where does perfectionism come from? And how do we begin to transform our perfectionism into discernment, self-care, and respect?
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If you’ve been in therapy before you might be familiar with the idea of coping skills and tools. They can include anything from deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation (PMR), journaling, tapping, and visualization-there are so many wonderful methods to support self regulation. But did you know that most coping skills and tools can be used both reactively and proactively?
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What's interesting is that even in our worry about whether or not we belong--we belong. All people have these concerns. All people want to be accepted and understood and precisely because it matters so much, it will sometimes keep us up at night. We will cry out in the depths of our loneliness, "Do people like me?"
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