Spiraling – The Pain of Repetition
Ivy Griffin
It's 3am and you're scrolling on your phone to try and get a break from your repetitive thoughts about the uncomfortable conversation you had earlier with a coworker. Or maybe you're attempting to mentally plan for every possible outcome of a future conversation. Your thoughts are as overwhelming as the hundreds of lines of text and images pouring down your screen. You ask yourself, “What could I have said better? What could I do to prevent this discomfort in the future?” You feel exhausted yet, sleep doesn't come. What can you do?
I would guess that most people have experienced some level of repetitive thoughts and behaviors associated with high levels of anxiety. For some, this feels like a near constant state. Repetitive or obsessive thoughts and behaviors can be disruptive to our lives, especially during times of high stress. Why do we feel so much intensity around things as seemingly innocuous as awkward personal interactions (which are quite common)?
Repetitive thoughts and behaviors can be an attempt to deal with painful underlying emotions. For example, repeatedly thinking about how we could have said something better may be our best attempt to avoid the pain of feeling responsible for our parents' feelings when we were children. Perhaps we had a parent who was sad or fragile or easily angered or overworked and we learned it was our responsibility to edit our behavior and emotional expression so that we didn't upset them. We learned certain emotions or needs were just too much for them…or WE were too much, so we did our best to remain small and controlled.
Meanwhile, the feelings and needs we suppressed did not go away but built up inside. Developing ways to keep these emotions at bay became a full time job. Perhaps we developed a harsh inner critic to keep us in line or we became fixated on problem-solving or doing things “just right” in order for us to feel “okay”. These thoughts and behaviors never really deliver the okayness we're searching for though. Instead, they only offer glimpses of it.
How do we stop this vicious cycle?
Our core wounds are often existential. The threat or experience of losing our parents’ love and acceptance in childhood can feel overwhelming, even threatening. We are, after all, completely dependent on them for our survival. These high stakes may cause intense emotions and equally intense efforts to control them. We might distance ourselves from the original thoughts and feelings which is why it may be helpful to explore them with a sensitive and patient therapist.
With support, we can explore what's underneath our repetitive thoughts and behaviors. We may learn that our fear of saying or doing something “wrong” is a fear that people will leave us and then we will be completely alone. We may learn that our efforts to behave perfectly are an attempt to avoid the pain of the aloneness we've experienced.
Over time, we may be able to grieve these painful experiences and during this process, let go of our self blame. Experiencing anger, hurt, and disappointment during this process is natural and can give way to acceptance that we, our parents, and all people are not perfect and we don't have to be.
We can learn to set boundaries and respond to our needs in a way that nurtures a healthy relationship with ourselves and others. We can begin to have new responses to painful emotions that foster a sense of security. As you may have guessed, this road is not easy. You don’t have to do it alone. Please reach out.
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT #129032
Therapist, Program Manager, Supervisor
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/new-clients