Finding Your North Star: Communicating with Intention
Ivy Griffin
How many times in life have we attempted to have a serious conversation and felt like it derailed? How many times have we entered a discussion and feel baffled by how far from the original point the conversation has flowed? For many attempting to have a serious conversation where we communicate a grievance, concern or address a boundary can be nerve wracking if not anxiety inducing.
One small way we can alleviate nerves or anxiety is by homing in on what I like to call our north star. The north star traditionally has always been a symbol of direction, hope, and purpose. In communicating a north star is the core or guiding message we want to communicate to the other party. For example-are we wanting to communicate that we are concerned and want to offer assistance and are open to hearing how they want to be supported, do we want to communicate that while we care for them certain behaviors are having a negative impact on us and we want to understand why these behaviors are happening?
By identifying our north star before we enter the conversation, much like a thesis statement in an essay, it helps to create intention with our actions and it makes us more mindful of where we are trying to get the conversation to go. When we’ve identified a north star, we are more mindful and better able to make sure that we are staying on track by making sure that our points lead back to our main thesis: our north star.
For example
North Star: While we care for someone, certain behaviors are having a negative impact on us and we want to understand why these behaviors are happening
Person1: Hey, so I’ve noticed that you’ve been snapping a lot lately. It’s made me feel really stressed and uncomfortable. Is there something going on/bothering you? Do you want to talk?
Person 2: Well I’m sorry for being so awful (sarcasm)
Person 1: You’re not awful, the behavior (snapping) is. I’m just checking in because I noticed that this behavior is different from how you usually are, and I just want to make sure you’re okay. If you want to talk about it, I'm happy to listen. But if you just want a little space that’s okay too, just let me know what you need.
While there is never any guarantee for the outcome of a conversation, identifying and utilizing a north star can support you in communicating more effectively and getting your message across.
With warm regards,
Megan Bell, LMFT # 114303
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
2131 Capitol Ave, Suite 306
Sacramento, CA, 95816