2131 Capitol Ave. Ste 206
Sacramento, CA 95816
US
916-287-3430
hello@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
Thrive Therapy & Counseling provides high quality therapy to Highly Sensitive People and to kids, teens or adults struggling with anxiety, depression or self-esteem.
This blog is written by a therapist in midtown Sacramento and focuses on the concerns and struggles of highly sensitive people (HSPs) and of kids, teens and adults struggling with depression, anxiety or just trying to figure out what they want for themselves. There's help and hope through counseling and therapy!
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Have you ever thought "why is it so hard to love myself?" Many of us find it easier to demonstrate our love for others than love for ourselves. But why? What is it about loving ourselves that makes it so difficult?
Read MoreDo you find you’re pretty hard on yourself? Do you tend to set high standards for yourself that are almost impossible to achieve? Many of us receive spoken and unspoken messages that only certain outcomes in life are acceptable: good grades, always saying “yes” and being helpful to others, being in the right relationship, looking a certain way, having a certain job, the list goes on. If we don’t meet these standards, we feel like failures, like we’ve let everyone down, or like maybe there’s something wrong with us.
Read More“Calm down.”
“You’re too sensitive!”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
These sentiments are likely all too familiar to the highly sensitive person, and in particular the highly sensitive child. Growing up, I recall countless teary eyed instances of fighting - with little success - to try to restrain the expression of my emotions, only to be met with judgment and criticism from adults and fellow children alike. Often HSPs grow up to absorb these messages and take them on as our own, which can lead to the belief that we, and our feelings are, inherently “too much”. This can lead to self-blame and guilt, and the adoption of an almost default state of apologetic being. Even if logically we now know that sensitivity is not shameful and is even in many ways a strength, letting go of these internalized ideas can be difficult. Accepting one’s sensitivity can be a slow process, but here are a few ways to start.
Read MoreAs a therapist, I am frequently asked by parents if what their teen is going through is normal or if they should be concerned. To be fair, coming to therapy for typical teenage changes is common and very helpful even if it is in the realm of normal. The safe space of the therapy office gives adolescents room to sort through their thoughts and feelings in a way that is not replicable with parents or friends. Having said that, there are times when concerns arise and it is important to have parents more involved. Typically what we look at is danger and impairment. The following major areas come to mind that we will look at more in depth: suicide and self harm, substance use and behavioral issues.
Read MoreIn this blog post, I hope to give some insight into how the topic of divorce can be worked through in a therapeutic setting. Clients often seek therapy during a variety of stages in the process. Some folks are in the middle of a messy and complicated divorce and looking for a safe space to unpack their frustrations with the legal process. Others are thinking about initiating a separation, and worry about how to approach a soft landing feels daunting and horrifying, especially if there are kids, pets or major assets to sort through. Some arrive when all the paperwork has been finalized and the dust is now unsettlingly settled, and the question of starting anew feels overwhelming.
Read MoreHighly sensitive people (HSPs) fall in love hard with soul shaking intensity!! They are also willing to put in the challenging work for their relationships. They have a giving nature and are likely to naturally put others needs before their own. Because they are so sensitive to others feelings, an HSP can feel like it is wrong to say “no” and since they are strongly empathic, the need to do something about another’s struggle is pressing. Unfortunately, another person could take advantage of an HSP’s need to help. If you combine that pressing need to be there for others with an HSP’s underlying thought that they are flawed it can become the perfect recipe for an unhealthy relationship or even become domestic violence.
Read MoreIn the United States and throughout many western, developed countries, we live in societies that value decisiveness, physical strength (which might also be labeled aggression), extraversion, charisma, strong opinions, individual over group needs, pushing ahead at nearly all costs (often thought of as progress), and toughness, (usually defined as not showing emotions). For sensitive souls, these values simply don’t align with who we are.
Read MoreYou know the feeling when you get that AWESOME insight and things just “click” and make sense? It’s that “Aha!” moment when you’re like “Wow, therapy is really paying off!” Just kidding…sort of. And then…it’s gone! As quickly as it enters your mind, it just floats away on the breeze! Where did it go? I like to say that some of our best insights are put on shelves somewhere in our brains, collecting dust.
Read MoreAs HSPs, we may feel as though the world is constantly acting upon us, like we have no control over anything and we’re completely overwhelmed. When we’re highly attuned to our environment and the people around us, there is a lot of information coming in on a regular basis. That’s why it is so important for people who are highly sensitive to use the tools at our disposal to create a sense of balance and satisfaction in our lives.
Read MoreAs HSPs, we may spend a significant amount of energy managing our day-to-day lives. Work, home responsibilities, social interactions, and running errands can leave us feeling drained and like we need lots of time to recuperate. This can be tough when we live in a society that values productivity and activity over rest and rejuvenation. It’s easy for self-judgment about what we “ought” to be doing to creep in.
This self-judgment can manifest as a sense of “I’m not doing enough”, “I’m so lazy”, or “What’s wrong with me that I can’t do more?” When these messages are the ones playing loudest and most often in our heads, they interrupt the time we need to recuperate and make it so we can never fully relax. They can also put pressure on our social interactions which can lead them to feel strained or tense. In the end, our self-judgment drains us of even more energy so that we’re not only left feeling exhausted, we feel bad about ourselves as well.
So what can we do?
Recognize where this self-judgment comes from -- We learn these messages and we can unlearn them with time and practice. They may reflect the values of the wider society and/or our peers and family. But do they represent our values? At the end of the day, we’re the ones that must live in our own heads so we must think about the way we talk to ourselves.
Try challenging these messages with questions like “Are all societal/familial values healthy?” or “How does it impact me to buy into this mindset?” or “Who stands to benefit from me buying into the belief that I need to be productive to be valued?”
Start replacing these messages with more realistic and compassionate ones like “Adequate rest is essential to my ability to function at my best.” or “Just because rest and rejuvenation were not valued in my family, doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable and healthy.” and “Taking time to myself helps me to be more available and engaged when I do have to/choose to interact with others.”
Over time, we can begin to build the type of acceptance we need to be more compassionate and understanding towards ourselves and others. When we honor and respect our own boundaries and needs, we bring that to our relationships and interactions as well. With practice, we may start to find that we’re better able to find balance in our lives and finally let go of the self-judgment that’s been holding us back.
Initiating and maintaining these types of practices can be difficult -- don’t be afraid to reach out for support! The therapists at Thrive are here to help.
Best wishes,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, AMFT #99821
she/hers
Supervised by Ivy Griffin, LMFT #51714
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
916-287-3430
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
In theory, saying the simple word of NO is a piece of cake, two-year-olds do it all the time. However, many of us struggle with refusing a request and end up saying yes while quietly wishing we could just say no. There are many reasons that saying no can feel uncomfortable or difficult: we may worry about upsetting or offending someone, we might feel guilty, we might also feel as though we are being selfish.
Read MoreDo you often find yourself exhausted but you feel as though you haven’t done very much? Are there times during the day when you feel like your head is buzzing and you just want to press PAUSE on the entire world? You may be suffering from sensory overload.
Read MoreAt points in all of our lives, we find ourselves feeling as though other people do not hear or understand us. This can be hugely frustrating and lead to a breakdown in communication where neither side feels as though they are being recognized. In these instances, validation can be incredibly helpful. Below are some skills to help you let people know that you care and are listening, which helps them listen better to you in return.
Read MoreBeing a highly sensitive person has its benefits and its challenges. You might find that you experience high levels of internal rewards from simple pleasures like the sound of rain against your window, the smell of fresh laundry, or the softness of your favorite worn-out t-shirt. But by the same token, you might also experience extreme overwhelm from what others may consider small disruptions in your environment, the daily news cycle, or even the moods and emotions of others.
Read MoreAs the new year progresses, many of us are reflecting on our relationships and interactions with others. We may feel frustrated by the amount of energy it seems to take to interact with some people. Or perhaps there are certain behaviors that really get under our skin. Whatever the case, we come away from these interactions feeling as though we’ve given our all to be patient, to communicate, and be courteous while others seem to take us for granted.
Read More