Divorce and Therapy

In this blog post, I hope to give some insight into how the topic of divorce can be worked through in a therapeutic setting.  Clients often seek therapy during a variety of stages in the process.  Some folks are in the middle of a messy and complicated divorce and looking for a safe space to unpack their frustrations with the legal process.  Others are thinking about initiating a separation, and worry about how to approach a soft landing feels daunting and horrifying, especially if there are kids, pets or major assets to sort through.  Some arrive when all the paperwork has been finalized and the dust is now unsettlingly settled, and the question of starting anew feels overwhelming.  

When approaching divorce in therapy, we mainly view it as a grief process.  While the lawyers are concerned with who gets what and how finances will be split, therapists focus more on the deeply complicated and confusing process of loss that follows a breakup. 

The analogy that I go to in these situations is using therapy to unpack the heavy box that includes all the difficult and painful thoughts and feelings that the divorce unearths.  By unpacking, I mean we lay everything out to be observed and sifted through together, and hopefully put everything back at the end of session in a way that feels more organized, lighter, or somehow more manageable than it was before.  These might be incremental changes at first, and some days might feel heavier than we started, but the goal is to find some sort of peace through a safe space to express ourselves without judgment.  

Some of this unpacking and organizing takes the form of acceptance, and this comes in two flavors.  First, we find a way to accept and understand that the divorce is happening.  This might seem strange at first, but often clients come in dazed and checked out because their whole world has just turned upside down.  Grounding in the reality of the situation is healing and helpful, but also uncomfortable. Second, we look for acceptance of all the feelings that accompany the loss.  There is often anger, sadness, disbelief, anxiety, worry, and guilt, but just as much there is relief, freedom, and some happiness that unexpectedly gets mixed in.  All these feelings must be given their time and acceptance for us to move forward, even the difficult ones.  What I try to hammer home to all my clients in these situations is that avoiding these feelings only serves to make them more difficult, and finding a way to give them space without acting on them immediately can be a powerful intervention in itself.  

If you are struggling with a divorce or separation currently, also consider what we call in couples counseling a ‘soft landing.’  This is using the therapy space to process the divorce with your ex-partner and work towards a more amicable split.  This can be especially helpful if there are children and custody issues to work through, and co-parenting is now a challenge for the future that will keep you both tied together.  

I hope you found this article helpful, and if you have any additional questions feel free to reach out.  Divorce is such a common reason for people to enter therapy, and know that you are not alone if you are experiencing this currently.  Reaching out for support during any loss or crisis can be helpful to heal, and we are here to help. 

Best wishes to you all,

Ben Friday, LMFT #122263

Thrive Therapy & Counseling

thrivetherapyandcounseling.com

916-287-3430

hello@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com