Tossing out what you’ve been told

In the United States and throughout many western, developed countries, we live in societies that value decisiveness, physical strength (which might also be labeled aggression), extraversion, charisma, strong opinions, individual over group needs, pushing ahead at nearly all costs (often thought of as progress), and toughness, (usually defined as not showing emotions). For sensitive souls, these values simply don’t align with who we are. 

As highly sensitive people (HSPs), we tend to be curious, deeply reflective, kind and compassionate, and good listeners - who may or may not be extraverted - but who do need time and space to think carefully before making a decision. These qualities tend to cause others to describe us as “gentle,” “caring,” and “sensitive,” none of which have very positive connotations in our society. 

Understandably, doubt creeps in about who we are, often from a very young age. We start to think there’s something wrong with how we react and perceive the world. We get some subtle and some blatant messages that the way we operate is wrong and not good enough. We blame ourselves for not being “stronger,” “tougher,” or having a “thicker skin.” 

First, I want to point out that all these ideas about desired personal characteristics are completely subjective and based on cultural context. Xinyin Chen and Kenneth Rubin of University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada led a study in 1992 that looked at what traits made schoolchildren popular, and they compared the responses of children in Canada and China. They found that children in both countries viewed sociability and leadership as positive. However, the schoolchildren in Canada viewed being shy and sensitive as negative while the schoolchildren in China viewed being shy and sensitive as positive (Chen, 1992). (This is also a reminder that sociability and leadership are not inextricably linked with being extraverted!)   

Second, I want to remind you how strong and powerful you are for surviving in a society that is not constructed around your needs. You have no doubt created and developed and honed a myriad of coping mechanisms, often unconsciously, to help you navigate life. These workarounds can take a LOT of energy and focus, and you do them without blinking because you intuitively know it is what’s needed to make your life work. THIS knowing and applying takes aptitude and internal strength that we often don’t give ourselves credit for. While you would have the utmost compassion for a neurodiverse individual who needs some accommodations to be successful at work or for a person with a physical disability who needs additional time to travel between locations, you forget to give such caring to yourself. (Disclaimer - Of course, everyone’s challenges are unique to them, and I don’t say this to downplay any person’s struggles.) 

I only want to emphasize that you were born with this highly sensitive trait - which is well-researched and documented - that makes your brain and nervous system operate differently than the “norm” in our western societies. And, this incongruence between the broader culture and our individual needs causes a lot of heartache.  

So, the next time you start comparing yourself to others or getting down on yourself for not being ______, please remember that a lot of the reason why you think the way you are is a problem has to do with repeated conscious and unconscious messages telling us that we’re broken. Instead of buying into these erroneous beliefs, please remember to show yourself some compassion. We know that there are 15-20% of us HSPs in any given group, both in the animal and human worlds. So, yes, we ARE different than the average person. But, no, that difference is NOT bad or wrong. We sensitive souls exist because there is an evolutionary need for our trait of sensitivity. We serve an important purpose, and we are NECESSARY.    

Sending wishes for kindness and compassion to you all,

Ivy

Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director

Thrive Therapy & Counseling

she/hers

916-287-3430

thrivetherapyandcounseling.com     

References:

1. Chen X., Rubin K., & Yuerong S. (1992). Social reputation and peer relationships in Chinese and Canadian children: A cross-cultural study. Child Development. 63(6), 1336-1343. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.1992.tb01698.x https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227668404_Social_Reputation_and_Peer_Relationships_in_Chinese_and_Canadian_Children_A_Cross-Cultural_Study