When faced with the experience of being highly sensitive, confronted with all kinds of stimuli and narratives regarding how one “should” be in this world, it might be easy for HSPs to find themselves down the rabbit hole of cognitive distortions, a.k.a. thinking traps. These thinking traps present as an irrational or exaggerated thought pattern and when employed often enough can contribute to depression and anxiety. There are many thinking traps that can get us lost in a maze and lead us to believe there’s no way out of our negative circumstances. It would be difficult to name them all here today but there are some that I confront regularly in my practice and are worth acknowledging.
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“I feel like I don’t do enough to be as tired as I am”. “I did nothing all weekend and I’m still exhausted!” “Why do I need so much rest?” Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Many people are frustrated and confused by how depleted they continue to feel after down-time. They want to feel more energized and refreshed but can’t seem to get the restorative rest they need. Let’s look at why that might be!
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The hot summer months can be a challenging time for highly sensitive people (HSPs). Though it’s only spring, those of us who are sensitive to heat are already dreading the increasingly hot days (and nights). With the hot weather and longer days, life can feel extra overwhelming. Even the most seemingly innocuous activities can leave you feeling overwhelmed and drained. Here are some tips for coping with rising temperatures as an HSP:
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I often hear the frustration and sadness and defeat in the voices of highly sensitive people (HSP) when they share how they become more emotional, overwhelmed, shut down, or worn out in situations that don’t seem to affect other people. This difference can make HSPs feel like outsiders, like there must be something wrong with them because they are “abnormal” compared to everyone around them.
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Being highly sensitive definitely has its ups and downs. In a culture that often devalues vulnerability, we can get the message that sensitivity is undesirable or “weak” and we should try our best to suppress it. But as I always say, there are two sides to everything. Let’s look at the other side of the coin and see if it can help us to appreciate our sensitivity.
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What are some of the characteristics of HSPs? We don't like loud noises, making mistakes, we need reassurance, are easily startled, it takes us longer to adjust to significant life changes, we feel overwhelmed when there’s a lot going on at once, and other’s moods deeply affect us. We also have strong emotional attunement and empathy. We care more! Being a parent means there’s constant chaos, rushing, less time for basic needs like eating/sleeping/bathing much, limited time for self-care, huge changes, hourly and persistent loud noises. When challenges are not addressed, this can lead to emotional reactivity, guilt, struggles with anxiety/depression, feeling lonely/disconnected and low self-value.
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I often hear from highly sensitive people (HSPs) how different and alone they feel. “I’m too sensitive,” “I need to grow a thicker skin,” “Why can’t I just let it go like everyone else?” are common refrains. Such beliefs often stem from a lifetime of conscious and unconscious messages from well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning people about how there’s something wrong with the way you are. And, the reality is--highly sensitive people are not the norm. We know this because research has found that 15-20% of people in any given population in any given culture carry the personality trait of being highly sensitive.
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Don't get me wrong; I like the holidays. Or at least most of what the holidays are about. But sometimes they can be somewhat overwhelming. I like Christmas music, but hearing it everywhere 24/7 for two months is too much for me. I also like holiday parties. But seven family gatherings, five friend parties and three work shebangs in one month can weigh me down.
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Imagine that you’re at a party or gathering at a friend’s house. As a highly sensitive person, you may have felt some anxiety or dread about going to the party and having to make small talk. Some of the folks in attendance are friends, and you gravitate toward talking to them. But, you notice a couple of people who hang back and don’t seem to know many others. Your empathy kicks in, and you decide to go chat with them to help them feel more welcome. While you’re talking, another person or two joins in the conversation and brings up a political issue you care about deeply. As you passionately discuss the matter, you add in how you cannot understand anyone who thinks otherwise. The person you initially approached quietly says, “I disagree” and wanders away.
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If we can let go of the dogma, the expectations, the institution of religion, the threat of morality etc. and can look at spirituality from the lens of “ that which we cannot see”, or curiosity, it can lead us into a world of supportive practices that are not just helpful to the soul (whether or not you believe in that sort of thing) but can also be helpful to our mental health.
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It’s no surprise that HSPs are overrepresented among the ranks of musicians and other artists in our society. Tapping into the imagination and being open and receptive to inspiration require a great degree of sensitivity. Yet there is a paradox here for creative folks. Artists are people who, on one hand, devote their energies to sharing their innermost worlds with listeners, viewers, audiences. Onstage, they are brash, bold, daring. Yet many crave solitude, need the nourishment of reflection, or retreat at a distance from the roar of the crowd.
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Our phones are really good at keeping us focused on anything but the present moment, what is right here right now. And like most of us this feeling or experience probably occurs multiple times a day.
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Since I started working with HSPs, I’ve come to notice similar themes emerge around challenges they face due to ongoing stigma for being highly sensitive. Those challenges include: negative core beliefs, wishing others were more aware of the trait, and working through the constant battle of having to conform to a world that tends to value extroversion and sometimes devalues sensitivity. I also think it is important to highlight the gifts of being an HSP and what role you may be playing in an HSP’s life.
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“Calm down.”
“You’re too sensitive!”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
These sentiments are likely all too familiar to the highly sensitive person, and in particular the highly sensitive child. Growing up, I recall countless teary eyed instances of fighting - with little success - to try to restrain the expression of my emotions, only to be met with judgment and criticism from adults and fellow children alike. Often HSPs grow up to absorb these messages and take them on as our own, which can lead to the belief that we, and our feelings are, inherently “too much”. This can lead to self-blame and guilt, and the adoption of an almost default state of apologetic being. Even if logically we now know that sensitivity is not shameful and is even in many ways a strength, letting go of these internalized ideas can be difficult. Accepting one’s sensitivity can be a slow process, but here are a few ways to start.
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Highly sensitive people (HSPs) fall in love hard with soul shaking intensity!! They are also willing to put in the challenging work for their relationships. They have a giving nature and are likely to naturally put others needs before their own. Because they are so sensitive to others feelings, an HSP can feel like it is wrong to say “no” and since they are strongly empathic, the need to do something about another’s struggle is pressing. Unfortunately, another person could take advantage of an HSP’s need to help. If you combine that pressing need to be there for others with an HSP’s underlying thought that they are flawed it can become the perfect recipe for an unhealthy relationship or even become domestic violence.
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