Thinking Traps and Temperance

When faced with the experience of being highly sensitive, confronted with all kinds of stimuli and narratives regarding how one “should” be in this world, it might be easy for HSPs to find themselves down the rabbit hole of cognitive distortions, a.k.a. thinking traps. These thinking traps present as an irrational or exaggerated thought pattern and when employed often enough can contribute to depression and anxiety. There are many thinking traps that can get us lost in a maze and lead us to believe there’s no way out of our negative circumstances. It would be difficult to name them all here today but there are some that I confront regularly in my practice and are worth acknowledging.

Most frequently, I meet with clients engaged in “all-or-nothing” thinking, also known as “black-and-white” or “polarized” thinking. This type of thinking occurs when we view things in absolutes, when we see situations as either good or bad, successes or failures, all-or-nothing.  This way of thinking only leaves a 50% chance that things will be ok, and in order for them to be ok they must be perfect. It also contributes to challenges seeing our small wins that contribute to our success. It leads us to fear failure because there’s a 50% chance that we could fail. What terrible odds! And because the risk of failure is so great we fear taking risks that could contribute to our sense of confidence and triumph in overcoming our fears. Fortunately, the world is far more nuanced than our cognitive distortions would like us to believe. More times than not our experiences are not actually all good or bad, success or failure, and when we can challenge ourselves to recognize this, it can help a whole lot!

Another common thinking trap is overgeneralization. This occurs when we make rules for ourselves after a single upsetting experience or a series of coincidences. This thinking trap will often employ words such as “never” or “always” and allude to the belief that we, other people, and our circumstances can’t change. Sometimes it can even devolve into the thought that we might be cursed. Whenever we say “This always happens to me”, “I never get opportunities”, “You always do this or that” “It’s always like this”, overgeneralization may be present. This is not to say the frustration in our negative experiences is invalid, but there are ways to challenge the belief that things can’t change. This overgeneralization can contribute to a loss of hope and self doubt, inhibiting our chances to take a risk or to try.  

Mental filters are the opposite of overgeneralizing but can contribute to the same unwanted feelings.  Mental filtering occurs when we hyper-focus on one small event exclusively, ignoring everything else. For example, perhaps we are throwing a birthday party and all of our loved ones have shown up, but one person couldn’t make it. Mental filtering might cause us to obsess over the one person who didn’t come, contributing to negative feelings or self-doubt rather than experiencing the love from all of our other guests.

Discounting the positive is the final thinking trap we will discuss here, and the previous 3 thinking traps will sometimes lead to this. When we discount the positive we ignore or invalidate the things that are going good, right, or well. This can occur when we have accomplished something in our lives and we attribute it to luck, or some other external circumstance rather than take credit or responsibility for what is going well. When this becomes a habit, it becomes difficult to believe that we have any control or power in our lives, furthering doubt and hopelessness.

While these thinking traps can be difficult to navigate and can contribute to many unwanted feelings, moods, and beliefs about the self, they can also be challenged. We can practice developing new thought patterns and habits and the Temperance card form the Tarot can help!  In the Tarot, the Temperance card is depicted as an angel pouring water from one cup to another. The angel’s gender appears to be ambiguous and they are standing with one foot in water and one foot on land. They are giving “both and” vibes, reflecting the non-dual and challenging the categorizing and binary way of thinking we so often find ourselves in.  When we practice temperance we practice tempering extremes, we challenge the rigid ways in which we view our experiences and the world. Temperance invites us to see the beautiful and the ugly, the good and the bad all at once and recognize that all these truths can exist. Temperance invites us to recognize that even when we are faced with challenges or make mistakes we can still be doing our best, that when we have perfected something there is still room for growth, that there can be successful lessons and outcomes in our failures. Temperance reminds us that hope can be omnipresent even when things might be disappointing or when we make mistakes.

In Tarot for Change, Jessica Dore writes this about Temperance:

“When we learn to accommodate the reality what our brains tend to categorize as opposites can actually both be true at once, we can make more informed and well-rounded decisions. For example, we can acknowledge that we’re doing our best while also knowing that we need to do better,. We can accept that skillful people sometimes make mistakes and that good people can behave in hurtful ways. Too often, when we view things as cut-and-dried, we discount important information that could help us make better choices for ourselves and those around us.” (p.91-92)

So the next time we find ourselves in a panic because of all-or-nothing thinking, or we fear that maybe we are a bad person because we were hurtful, or we believe we are cursed, it can be helpful to pull out the Temperance card, focus on the imagery depicted in this card and ask the self: 

How can both truths exist? How can I take responsibility for my mistakes while also acknowledging my values or my virtue? How can I experience a sense of hope while also practicing self-validation for my thoughts and feelings? This practice can help us to see our circumstances with all the reality and truthfulness they deserve and can give us space and freedom to believe that while things may be difficult or uncomfortable they can still be ok. 

Danielle Kardum, LMFT#114847

Thrive Therapist and Supervisor

https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/danielle-kardum

Dore, Jessica. Tarot For Change: Using The Cards for Self-Care, Acceptance and Growth, Penguin Random House LLC., New York, New York. 2021