Parenting while being an HSP: A Survival Guide
Ivy Griffin
What are some of the characteristics of HSPs? We don't like loud noises, making mistakes, we need reassurance, are easily startled, it takes us longer to adjust to significant life changes, we feel overwhelmed when there’s a lot going on at once, and other’s moods deeply affect us. We also have strong emotional attunement and empathy. We care more! Being a parent means there’s constant chaos, rushing, less time for basic needs like eating/sleeping/bathing much, limited time for self-care, huge changes, hourly and persistent loud noises. When challenges are not addressed, this can lead to emotional reactivity, guilt, struggles with anxiety/depression, feeling lonely/disconnected and low self-value.
What are some things we can do so we do not completely lose our minds and become a parent that we aren’t proud to be? It’s ironic that some of our HSP qualities help make us amazing friends and partners but many of them make it hard to be good parents. Writing this up started to feel pretty hopeless, so I decided to think about what could be helpful to HSP parents. My mind took me back to a training I took many years ago (before becoming a parent) called Strengthening Families. They discussed five factors that help people be the best parents they can be even while being really stressed! Here are five factors and some ways to build up some of these areas:
Parental resilience: This is the ability to manage and function under stress when things are challenging or even traumatic. Resilience is how some people recover from adversity stronger and better equipped to handle life than before. One tip to help build up your resilience is to discover or remember your strengths in relationships, at work and/or special skills you have.
Social connections: This is more than just being around other people, its positive emotional support . This can be people that can help with concrete tasks like laundry, kid pickup, etc. HSPs can find certain social situations, like having a playdate with ten kids destroying their house, to be incredibly draining. Take some time and journal what social situations are positive, negative and neutral for you. If you don’t know yet, a good first step is to journal after a social situation to help identify emotions. Your data collection will help you discover what types of social connections work best for you.
Knowledge of parenting and child development: This is the understanding of child and parenting strategies that support physical, cognitive, language, social and emotional development. This area is challenging because the research is always growing and changing . The tricks and tips that your mother-in-law swore by for your partner may not apply to your child. Even the most up-to-date research may not have a strategy that is appropriate for your unique child. One thing that I always like to keep in mind is development expectations (e.g. reminding myself that it's normal for my two year old to be happy one minute and have a blowout tantrum the next) so I’m not blaming myself.
Concrete support in times of need: This is when a parent can access concrete support including services that address a family’s individual needs. Self-care is crucial for an HSP parent so concrete support is needed. Concrete support can include daycare or afterschool care for kids, therapy, or help from family and friends.
Social and emotional competence of children: Family and child interactions that can help a child communicate clearly, recognize and regulate their emotions and establish and maintain relationships. Try identifying your emotions when you are upset with your child by saying “Mommy is upset right now and needs to breathe.” Modeling appropriate ways to express emotions is a lot of work but will have a huge payoff in the future. Also know that if you aren’t in a place to model appropriate emotional expression that’s ok. Just make sure you can take a time out so your child doesn’t model your adult tantrum.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this! Know that you are not alone in struggling with being an HSP, parenting or parenting while being an HSP. If you are reading this blog and thinking you’d like to work more on this or even have someone that can hold you accountable to making positive changes please contact Thrive Therapy and Counseling at (916) 287-3430 or hello@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com.
Alexandra Garton
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #84263
Clinical Supervisor and Therapist
alexandra@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com