Lately, in my personal and professional life, I have noticed a common theme. What I have noticed is how hard it can be to make the transition from having a child in the home to having one out of the home. I wanted to create a guide to assist “empty nesters” with living a full life after their child has moved out. If you have been able to raise an independent child, that is a sign that you have found some success as a parent! Unfortunately, after celebrating this milestone many parents are left wondering what to do without kids around.
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For the next installment in this series about grief and adolescents, I want to focus on one of the four tasks that are important to working through the grief/loss process: acknowledgment of the loss. While we typically start with this task, it is important to note that all four tasks may be completed in any order and worked on simultaneously. The process will vary from person to person and loss to loss, so our focus is on guiding ourselves and loved ones through as best we can, instead of focusing on particular milestones in a regimented order.
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Teens are notorious for testing boundaries and questioning everything their parents tell them. Gone are the days when a little reverse psychology or the old “Guess you aren’t big enough yet...” routine could get them to eat their greens or brush their teeth. Now, they are moody, irritable, nap during the day, and have little interest in getting tasks done on our timeline. My goal for this post is to highlight some possible causes for oppositional behaviors in teens, as well as some ways to approach their defiance differently.
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Today I want to introduce one of my favorite topics in therapy. It can often explain so much of our teen’s (and our own) experience, but we don’t always think about it in a broader context. That topic is grief and loss, and not just related to death.
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The holidays can be hard in an average year, and of course, this year has been anything but average. You and your family might be looking at a very different scenario this year, in terms of travel and spending time with family. As the days get shorter and colder, you and your kids might be spending more time inside, and after months and months of being in close quarters, this can be stressful for everyone.
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I don’t have to tell any of us what a difficult year this has been. Many people are struggling in one way or another, and teens are certainly included. Like all of us, their lives have been turned upside down since March.
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The teenage years can be a volatile time for both parents and their children. The transition from elementary to middle school and then to high school brings excitement but also uncertainty as teens begin to focus more on the development of their social relationships and their individuality. Feelings of insecurity, emotional ups and downs, and bewilderment at how to navigate this time of change are all normal. Since parents can experience all of these feelings too, communication with your teen can become strained and contentious at times.
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Do you see your teen lounging around--eyes glued to their phone constantly--and worry about what kind of adult they’re going to become? Does this seem even worse with the pandemic and all the things they can’t do?? You might be frustrated with your kid’s low energy . . . with their ability to sleep 17 hours a day or with how you have to tell them 8 times to unload the dishwasher, and you wonder when they’ll finally get it together.
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Disclaimer: None of us would have imagined that the world as we knew it would come to a screeching halt because of a pandemic. Now, the horrific scenes of racism, the protests, and the unrest across the country are really concerning, upsetting, and overwhelming. It’s a lot. It’s a lot to take in, a lot to explore our own and our family members’ thoughts and feelings about, a lot to figure out how to respond to, a lot to cope with.
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We’re living in such uncertain times. Different information keeps coming out about how
COVID-19 works, and there’s still much about the virus that we don’t understand. We’re not
quite sure when schools will resume or when people will go back to their offices. It’s hard to plan
for the future. Will there be more stay-at-home orders? Can we plan a vacation? Will the virus
worsen when the weather cools off? Will colleges and universities be all online in the fall? And,
if so, does your teen want to begin their college career this way?
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Parenting is already such a challenge, let alone parenting a teenager when you’re all stuck at home. Both parents and teens may feel overwhelmed by the amount of time together without the typical outlets of work or school with friends and colleagues. On top of that, we may be dealing with boredom, fear, and grief as we navigate complex losses resulting from the pandemic. Regardless of our individual situations, we all need support in navigating these unprecedented circumstances.
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A question I hear a lot from parents in the therapy room is, “Where do I draw the line?” Some things may be clear, but there’s a lot of nuance. Do I limit their screen time, and if so, how without starting WWIII? Do I monitor their social media? How much should I watch over their grades and hound them about homework, or do I let them face the consequences for themselves? What’s acceptable for them to wear, and should I dictate clothing choices? Is any alcohol or drug use okay? What about sex?
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Teens have a lot of pressure on them these days. They’re a generation that’s more “on” and connected than ever before. They can feel pressure from friends and peers to constantly be available online and responding to messages (or risk missing out on important social happenings), they may feel the stress of navigating AP classes or taking college classes in conjunction with their regular high school coursework, and many teens can fixate on worrying about their SAT/ACT scores, GPAs, extra-curriculars, athletics, and what all of those mean for what colleges they will get into. Many teens believe that making the “right” decisions around college will dictate the course of their entire lives, their income, and their future happiness.
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Yes, it’s true--adolescence can be a time of self-centeredness. Developmentally, teens are wired to pull away from their families and gravitate toward their friends and peers, as they prepare to launch out into the world on their own. Biologically, this also makes sense because as human beings, we are social creatures and need other people to survive. So, if the family is no longer the primary source of support, friends and peers become exceedingly important, which then makes teens very self-conscious and focused on themselves to accomplish this significant developmental task.
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“Please put your phone down, and look at me!” “You’re gonna walk into something if you keep staring at your phone like that!” “Believe me, you are not going to die if you don’t have wifi all weekend.”
Any of these sound familiar? Have you found yourself saying similar things to your own teen? It’s such a common challenge. How do we help our kids appreciate technology without becoming all consumed by it?
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