Helping your teen (and your whole family) cope with uncertainty

We’re living in such uncertain times. Different information keeps coming out about how COVID-19 works, and there’s still much about the virus that we don’t understand. We’re not quite sure when schools will resume or when people will go back to their offices. It’s hard to plan for the future. Will there be more stay-at-home orders? Can we plan a vacation? Will the virus worsen when the weather cools off? Will colleges and universities be all online in the fall? And, if so, does your teen want to begin their college career this way? 

So many questions and not many concrete answers. It’s really hard. Not knowing what to plan for or what to expect causes stress and anxiety for most of us. As a parent, you’ve got your own worries and grief around what’s happening, and you’re trying to help your family manage all their big feelings and concerns about the state of the world. It’s A LOT. 

Please know that you’re not alone. I know this message is getting repeated so much that it can feel trite, but it really is true. Most everyone is struggling with very similar stress. We’re trying to figure out how to live in all this uncertainty, and it can be overwhelming. And, please know that you or your teen can be having a tough time AND still be grateful and appreciative of all that we do have. BOTH can be true at the same time. You don’t have to feel guilty for struggling. (Or, if you don’t feel grateful at times and you feel anger, unfairness, numbness, etc., that’s okay too. It’s all normal.) 

The good news is that there are some concrete action items we can focus on to help our families and ourselves. . 

● Focus on what you can control. Most human beings feel more positive when we have a sense of autonomy and control over our lives. In psychology, we talk about having an internal locus of control (a sense that you can make choices and take action to create the life you want) versus an external locus of control (a belief that things just happen to you and there’s not much you can do to change them). Having an internal locus of control is associated with better health and wellbeing. While our current situation can feel like a reminder of everything we cannot control, it’s helpful to remember there are still all kinds of things within our control. It can feel good to give your family choices to help increase their sense of autonomy. “Would you like to have tacos or stir fry for dinner tonight?” “Want to play games or watch a movie for family night?” “Let’s head to a different park for a walk. We could go _____ or _____. What do you think?” 

● Plan things to look forward to. At any time in life, we all need positive experiences. Having something fun to look forward to gives a sense of hope and excitement about the future, and it breaks up the monotony of routines and chores. While your go-to plans might not be an option right now, what else can you, your teen, and your family look forward to? A picnic and bocce game at the park? Your kid planning and cooking a special dinner (that maybe everyone gets all dressed up for)? Picking out games and having a family Olympics? Making a list of the movies or shows you’ve been meaning to watch and then picking one each night? Having an epic video game battle? Looking through family photos and reminiscing about fun times? Ask your teen what they’d like to do and even get their help with the planning. 

● Practice mindfulness. This too gets repeated frequently, but it really is incredibly helpful. Mindfulness is all about focusing on the present moment and not getting caught up in thoughts or feelings about the past or the future. Those thoughts or feelings may come up, but the practice is to notice them and return back to the moment you’re in. See how not getting wrapped up in thinking about the future can be useful right now? Plus, the research shows that mindfulness can have big impacts on reducing anxiety, depression, stress, and so on. You can practice mindfulness doing just about any task (showering, washing dishes, gardening, eating a meal) by focusing on the experience and body sensations. Or, you can practice meditation, and there are TONS of guided meditation options to listen to for free right now. The Headspace app and Insight app can be great places to start. You can invite your teen or your whole family to sit and practice together. One minute or ten minutes--it’s all helpful! 

● Try to not judge your kids or yourself. Be productive if you can. Rest if you feel tired or worn out; it doesn’t even matter if there’s an identifiable reason. People respond to stress differently and how we respond can vary from day to day or minute to minute. Acknowledge and allow for this in your teen and in yourself. If there’s a project any of you want to work on and you have the energy, great--go for it! If you don’t feel up to it, please don’t beat yourself up. There are no expectations for right now. This isn’t a planned vacation. Model listening to yourself and giving yourself what you need, and this will be a great example for your family. 

Yes, we are in unprecedented times, but these tips are based on research to improve psychological health, regardless of the situation. I invite you to consider implementing one or more, and let me know how it goes! 

Very best wishes to you and your family,

Ivy

PS--We have an Adult Anxiety Support Group starting up on 5/6! If you’re needing more support, we’d love to be there for you. Space is limited, so fill out the contact form today! 

Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director

Thrive Therapy & Counseling

1614 X St., Suite A, Sacramento, CA 95818

916-287-3430

thrivetherapyandcounseling.com