What to do when your teen yells, "You don't even care!"
Ivy Griffin
The teenage years can be a volatile time for both parents and their children. The transition from elementary to middle school and then to high school brings excitement but also uncertainty as teens begin to focus more on the development of their social relationships and their individuality. Feelings of insecurity, emotional ups and downs, and bewilderment at how to navigate this time of change are all normal. Since parents can experience all of these feelings too, communication with your teen can become strained and contentious at times.
This is especially true right now as emotions are running high with ongoing social distancing (and teens feeling disconnected from their friends) and with announcements about distance learning in the fall. But . . . do not fear! There are things you can do to support your teen’s ability to both communicate their feelings and improve their ability to receive the communications of others.
Give Yourself Some Reassurance
Just because your teen displays strong emotion toward you, or even makes what seems like a personal attack, this does not necessarily reflect some deep-seeded animosity toward you or mean that you are doing anything wrong. Anger can often be a way of expressing hurt and disappointment, and teens may not know how to express these more vulnerable emotions. It is also completely normal for teens to feel frustrated when they’re trying to exercise their voice and autonomy and feel ineffective in doing so.
Respond to the Emotional Content
As it can be particularly scary and confusing for teens to explore their autonomy and individuality, there may be times when they are feeling tremendously insecure but what they communicate to their parents is “You’re so mean!” or “You don’t even care about me!” Making harsh statements can be a way to both defend against insecurity as well as see the immediate impact of the effect they have on others, i.e. how much they matter to you. What can help is to imagine what your teen may be trying to say like “I feel insecure” or “I want to feel accepted,” and respond to that, instead of arguing about the truth of their statement.
Model Appropriate Responses and Healthy Emotional Expression
I understand, it’s hard to keep your cool when someone is making personal comments about you! So, this is why it can help to imagine what your teen is trying to say about themselves, versus what they’re saying about you. It can also be good modeling for teens to see you ask for clarification or even to let them know you’d like some time to think or cool off before you respond. Coming back to the conversation when you are both calm and helping your teen to identify their feelings and needs (e.g. freedom, reassurance, connection) can show them you value what they have to say and that there’s a more effective way to communicate.
This process may be slow and difficult at times, so hang in there! And, please show yourself some compassion, and reach out for support whenever needed. Parenting is hard work, but you got this!
Warmly,
Ileana
By Ileana Arganda-Stevens
she/hers
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
916-287-3430
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
thrivetherapists@gmail.com