Parenting in the digital age is tough! Parents are constantly asking: “Should I monitor my teens Facebook? What are they posting on Snapchat? Should I even be worried?”I mean, it’s not like you get a “How To” guide on monitoring Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook or YouTube! It’s natural to be a little anxious on what your teen is possibly being exposed to or doing online. (Especially after you’ve already being declined as a ‘friend’ on your teens’ facebook.)
Disclaimer: this article covers a particularly sensitive topic—teens sending one another graphic images. If this isn’t a topic you want to explore, best to stop reading here.
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- There’s a whole range of how depressed a person can be.
a. On one end of the spectrum, people may still go to work or school, spend time with friends and family and keep pursuing their hobbies. However, they find they just don’t care very much. Or their energy is really low. Or it feels like life went gray (remember Pleasantville? Yea, gray like that.)---nothing else changed but everything is less exciting, less interesting, more boring or blah. The people who care about them may have no idea anything is wrong. They keep going along in life as always, but they know things are off. They really want to just feel lighter, more like themselves or more like how they think they could be.
b. At the more extreme end of the spectrum, people may not get out of bed. They may cry all day or lie around and binge on Netflix for days and weeks. They may feel so horrible that they don’t want to live anymore. The more intense depressive symptoms are easier to recognize. They’re also very painful for the people experiencing them and for their loved ones.
- Depression can occur at any age and at any point in life. We’re not immune to depression past a certain point in life, nor are we too naive as kids or teens to become depressed.
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I LOVE this notion. And, it’s often so necessary for HSPs. We can struggle with our ability to state what we want and need in ways that others hear and respond to. Catch that? This is about helping other people understand and accurately respond to our requests (which—by the way—helps build secure attachment, but that’s an article for another day :)).
Take this conversation, for example:
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Parents, have you ever had an experience like this? You’re standing in the kitchen, it’s a beautiful weekend morning, and your teenager strolls in and begins rummaging through the pantry. You admire and love your kid and sincerely ask, “How are you doing this morning?” Instead of getting what you might consider a normal human response, you receive a glare that could turn a giant to stone. “I’m fine,” replies your teen in a monotone voice. Then comes a quick huffing, stomping, and under-the-breath comments about minding your own business. You’re left confused and wondering what the heck just happened. Well, you’re not alone!
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Welcome to our Surviving & Thriving blog! This will be our new spot to feature articles, videos, images, etc. that we want to share and that we think could be helpful to you. We may cover depression, anxiety, healthy communication, self-compassion, relationship tips, coping skills and on and on here. It'll be our playground to share with you!
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This summer I had the opportunity to attend A Weekend for Highly Sensitive People with Elaine Aron and some of her HSP protégés. The retreat was held in the Santa Cruz mountains with redwoods outside our windows and hiking trails onsite. I felt a bit like a kid in a candy store with getting to meet THE person who identified, researched and verified this trait of sensitivity, on top of being in one of my favorite settings. I realize as I review my notes that I may be writing multiple articles about my takeaways from this weekend, but I wanted to start with a review of the basics--an appreciation for who we are and for how legit this trait is.
What does it really mean to be a HSP?
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“This is stupid! I’m done!” shouts your 11 year old as he stomps past you. You watch the severe scowl of irritation on his face and his I’m so totally done with homework tonight vibe with some bewilderment. You wonder why he gave up so quickly or what was so challenging about the work. The reoccurring theme for your kiddo is his impatience and unwillingness to put in the extra effort. I see it in my office a lot—a low frustration tolerance in tweens when they fail. Failing is tough for all of us! That’s why is it so important now for your child to learn how to cope when frustrating moments happen in life.
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Do you have those moments where it feels like your entire body has been taken over by a feeling? Almost as if you’ve been consumed by a strange creature, and you’re not sure if there’s going to be a “you” when it’s all said and done?? I imagine most of us HSPs have had and will continue to have these moments—much to our chagrin. We hate them, right? I have that sense of ‘Wait, seriously, seriously?’ when it starts to happen. Like, are you kidding me—I’m here—AGAIN?!
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I am in awe of the imagination. It helps us cope with everyday stressors as we imagine our next European trip or crushing it on our imaginary audition on The Voice. Imagination is also the key to success because it can unlock our creative side. Imagination helps us solve problems, gives hope, and, best of all, we can create entire worlds within ourselves. Look at some of the most famous, successful people in history—Walt Disney, Stan Lee, Steve Jobs, JK Rowling, etc. Without their sense of wonder and creativity hard at work, our world would be a darker place! Yet in my work with kids, teens and their families, I’ve been noticing an ever growing trend--the lack of imagination.
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Boredom for many parents is a scary word. Whenever I mention it to the families I work with I get a physical reaction of wide eyes and nervous, terrified giggles or full-on snorts of disbelief. Anxiety creeps over their faces ,and they shake their heads at me and mumble ‘no way’ or ‘that won’t last long…’ I get it. Kids in an instant gratification age/era is tough! It can almost feel impossible. But I’m here to tell you--it’s a crucial ingredient to growing up.
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Have I mentioned that I hate small talk? I mean, ewww. The meaningless banter makes me want to get outta there, stat. But, give me some depth, catch my interest on a topic, go beyond the ordinary chatter and I’m hooked. I loooove stories SO much. I could listen for hours as a story unfolds. Yes, it’s one of the reasons I became a therapist, and it’s one of the gifts of therapy—we very quickly move past the shallow small talk and dig into what’s real and what matters. As an HSP, this stirs my soul. I come alive with such deep and meaningful conversations.
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A couple of years ago my husband and I bought our first house. Prior to this, I’d spent the past decade + living in apartments and condos with no yard to maintain, just a small patio or deck at most. I tried my hand a few times at having some potted plants or trying to grow some herbs but didn’t have much luck. So, when we moved into our new home, I decided that because I love nature and I love the outdoors I was going to do some gardening, dammit!
By now, I’ve tried my hand at planting broccoli and cauliflower and squash and carrots and lettuce and so forth and have had a lot of fun with the planting and the harvesting. It still amazes me that I can grow produce in the backyard! (I feel like a little kid who’s all excited that the seed they planted in a cup is actually becoming a real-live-green-thing.) And—because this is a therapist blog—I have to share that during my gardening exploits, I’ve discovered something about myself:
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Over the course of just a few days I heard parents, both inside and outside my practice, say: “I’ve ruined my son!” “She’s messed up for life.” “I’m a terrible parent—what was I thinking?!” My first reaction was shock . . .and then curiosity. What had these poor parents done to their kids to express so much shame and guilt? Then after a little digging, I discovered two parts to these big statements. 1) The parents really didn’t do anything to cause such a personal verbal shaming. 2) But they all felt like they did.
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Change. I hear the word and experience a flood of emotions. What feelings come up for you when you think about changes in your life? Excitement? Anxiety? Irritation? Overwhelm? Sadness? Curiosity? Fear? Joy? All of the above? More? Change can be exciting, thrilling even. It can motivate me, drive me, push me to excel. However, change can also completely overwhelm me, threatening to suffocate and strangle out any energy or passion that I have. Sometimes change is even irritating. I am planning for my day to go a certain way. Maybe I’ve even mapped out what will happen, and then, zoom, I’m thrown a curve ball and it all changes. So annoying!
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Self-care. I know, it’s a buzz word, and we’ve talked before about the importance of taking care of yourself if you are a parent. However, it’s so necessary and so often overlooked or ignored that it deserves more discussion. Today I want to address a broader audience—one that includes all types of caregivers. I suppose everyone experiences supporting another person at one time or another in life, but some people have strict caretaking type roles in their work or family or friendship circle. For the purposes of this post, I’m using a very broad definition of the term caretaker, so it includes anyone in a role in which they have some consistent responsibility to manage the wellbeing and care of another human being.
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