Ever catch yourself saying, “Argh! Really?! How did I end up back here again? I thought I’d gotten over that!” Just imagine me vigorously nodding my head as I type. I’ve been there so many times, more than I’d care to count. It can be the most frustrating experience. You think you’ve done your personal work, addressed the problem and are ready to face the world! Then, blam! You find yourself back in an old pattern. You may feel defeated, you may feel humbled. You may feel ashamed or hopeless.
But there’s some light in this tunnel—did you know this is NORMAL? You are not incompetent, and you’re not a lost cause. This process is a part of growth, believe it or not.
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62 miles of vineyards, farmland, and rivers—doesn’t sound too bad, right? Oh wait, did I mention 62 miles of cycling? Until a month ago, I would have said that was completely insane. However, my significant other has had a goal for years of riding a century—a full 100 miles of cycling. He’d talked about it before but hadn't gotten around to it. So, this year when the topic came up, I decided not only would I be supportive, but I would also set some cycling goals with him. I like the idea of having fitness-oriented goals, and we both love being outdoors, so what did I have to lose? I even registered with him for some upcoming centuries, knowing that we could do shorter rides on the day of, if necessary.
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Have you ever heard a child’s parents being blamed when the child has “behavior problems?” Even naming something wrong with the parents’ character? Ouch. Maybe you yourself have felt the blunt end of this blame or have worried that others will judge you as "one of those parents" when your child acts out. It’s a message that is communicated by people all throughout our society from high profile leadership to the average American worker. It’s a natural urge for us to look for someone to take responsibility for the misinterpreted shortcomings of our kids. Pointing fingers is so much easier than digging deeper.
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2016 ended with a bang for me. Unfortunately, it was not that of fireworks or a champagne bottle. My sweet, handsome 15 year old cat, Noche, had to be put to sleep. His kidneys were failing, and despite many tests and treatments, the vets still weren’t sure what was going wrong and couldn’t stop it. My heart felt like it was ripped out of me. Just 2 weeks prior Noche had gotten a great bill of health from the vet. As an older kitty, he had his share of health conditions, but they were being treated, and he seemed to be doing great. Imagine my shock, then, when we were out of town for the holidays, and my pet-sitter called to say Noche wasn’t eating. Thus began a week long roller coaster of vet phone calls, appointments, debate about whether to come home early, hospitalization, improvement and then rapid decline, all of which ended with my husband and I sitting at the vet’s office on the last day of the year holding my very sick boy for the last time.
I am crying as I write this. I miss him so much, and I still can’t believe that he’s gone. I also realize that as a highly sensitive person, I feel these emotions intensely. As an HSP and a therapist, I find myself noticing my feelings and naming the stages of grief as they come and go.
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Just mentioning the “holiday season” evokes strong reactions in a lot of folks . . . although those reactions can vary A LOT. Some people instantly appear overcome with wonder and awe and excitement and speak only of joy and good times. (The rest of us stare at them in disgust. Just kidding! It’s just that the holidays are more complicated for many people.) For some, referencing the Christmas/Hanukah/ Kwanza/New Year’s holidays brings a heavy sigh, “Ughhhh, so much to do” or “sooo much dealing with family.” For others still, this time of year brings up deep sadness and loss—perhaps loved ones are gone or relationships have ended or they’ve never gotten to experience any version of the movie/greeting card “magic” of the season and they grieve what they haven’t had.
This blog is for all of you who don’t fall into that 1st category.
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Today my heart overflows. I love my work. I am filled with joy and gratitude. There is nothing--nothing--like being with people in the most real way possible. It opens my heart up and creates this sense of peace and rightness with the world. That said, I bear witness to a lot—the lowest of lows and the baby steps and sometimes even the highest of highs. It makes me realize how wide and deep life is. There is so much we experience as human beings. There can be such pain, turmoil, discord, strife mixed along with such happiness, pleasure, success, hope. And all of it makes us human. All of it is real and part of what it means to be alive. Getting to see that and honor it up close with my clients is the BEST thing.
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For highly sensitive people, finding our sweet spot can be a tricky endeavor. We want a place where we can thrive with our creativity, our intellect and insight and our passions WITHOUT becoming overwhelmed and exhausted. That may not sound too difficult to non-HSPs but for those of us with sensitivity, it can be brutal.
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Being a therapist is interesting work. In fact, it might be a job like no other. Day in and day out, I bear witness to people’s emotional pain. There aren’t many other places in life that people attend expecting to focus on or release the pain they’ve been carrying around, like they do in therapy. It’s a unique position to be in. It can be heavy, soul-wearying work. It can also be holy fulfilling and exhilarating. As a colleague once said to me, “Being a therapist is the best job and the worst job.” The highs are high, and the lows are low. Yet, I can’t imagine loving any other work in the same way. Why?
Because my job lets me see people--really, truly see who they are.
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Life is hard. Sometimes there are heartbreaking, painful, overwhelming circumstances we must deal with—a job loss, a breakup or divorce, a cancer diagnosis. These kinds of situations can bring anyone to their knees. Often, people understand that and can offer sympathy and kindness for such potentially life-shattering events.
What can also be heart-rending and soul-sucking pain, especially for Highly Sensitive People, are the times when there aren’t obvious reasons for emotional pain. Life may be going along just fine, and then blam, you wake up one day or one week or several weeks feeling . . .blah.
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No, I’m not talking about a physical bully. Not the in-your-face, “I’m gonna take your lunch money” kind of bully. I’m talking about the Bully we fight in our heads. The one that tells you “You’re stupid!” “You’re a failure!” “Who are you to (x, y or z)?” “You’re not pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough, kind enough, motivated enough, healthy enough, loved enough…” You know . . . that one? This Bully is dangerous. She’s frightening, not because of her physicality or threats to harm you, but because of how damn sneaky she is.
This Bully is a wolf-in-sheep’s clothing.
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“Oh my God! I just found PORN on my daughter’s ipad! What do I do?!” More often or not, the first time parents discover porn on the screen of their child’s laptop, phone, or iPad—that knee jerk reaction hits. Thoughts of “he’s only 12!” or “why did she google that?!” Kids are curious creatures, and naturally, one day, they are going to want to know about sex. Children grow up now knowing that the answer to pretty much anything is just a click away, so it’s understandable that they would turn to the web to explore this whole sex thing--nevermind that teens and preteens can feel increeeedibly awkward talking to parents and adults about sex (and it can feel just as uncomfortable for parents too)!
So, yes, curiosity and interest in sexuality are normal, even in the preteen years. Now, how do you respond?
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What? Self-compassion? As soon as you read the word, how many of you thought, “Sounds like some touchy-feely, mumbo jumbo phrase to make everybody feel better with really earning it”? That message is EXACTLY what society tells us to think. Our culture excels at teaching us to be critical, exacting, perfectionistic and to promptly lash into ourselves in any moment when we don’t live up to these impossible standards. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!” “Don’t be a crybaby.” “Be all that you can be.” “Always do your best.” Sheesh, I feel my shoulders sagging under all this weight just by writing these messages out! It makes for an exhausting and harsh life when you adhere to such beliefs.
For us HSPs, we’re even more susceptible to taking what others teach us to heart and of reaaaally carrying the load of such messages.
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I’m not sure if anything excites and calms me as much as the ocean. The first sight of it from a car window never fails to stir my soul. It suddenly transports me back to childhood memories and the thrill of anticipation—all the fun, adventure and exploration waiting to be had. Plus, being from the east coast, the beauty of the Pacific ignites a new sort of eagerness for me, one filled with traveling to new places and experiencing something different.
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