We live in such a busy, fast-paced culture. If we’re not working 40, 50, 60+ hours each week, we’re running from the grocery store to the cleaners to the (fill-in-the-blank), cooking dinner and worrying about whether to be low carb or plant-based or just eat what we want. We might be driving kids to their sports practice or rushing off to get in a quick workout at the gym. However we fill our days, most of us have a LOT going on! No wonder we get overwhelmed.
Of course, there are a couple of problems with being overwhelmed. . .
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How would you fill in this blank today? You have the right to need ______________. Quiet time? Acceptance? Time spent outdoors? Love? Snuggles from your partner? Gentleness? Validation?
Highly sensitive people (HSPs) tend to struggle with and fight against their own needs. We may try to talk ourselves out of our needs (“It’s my problem; I just need to get over it.”), or shove down our needs to try to make them disappear (by bingeing on Netflix or having one more glass of wine to distract ourselves). We may even try to guilt ourselves out of our needs—“There are so many people in the world who don’t have running water. It’s not ok for me to be worried about my hurt feelings.” Any of this sound familiar, dear sensitive souls?
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“My parents just don’t understand me.”
“My kid doesn’t listen to anything I say!”
“My mom’s always yelling at me.”
“I have to tell him 5,000 times, and he still doesn’t do anything!”
“I get in trouble for everything!”
“I give one simple rule, and she can’t even follow it.”
Sound familiar? These are the kinds of statements we often hear from teens and their parents in the therapy room. Teens and parents can feel like they are speaking two entirely different languages with no translator, and the end result is that everybody ends up frustrated, hurt and unheard or misunderstood.
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There are times in life that require change. It might be a new job possibility, a passion about starting a new business, an interest in taking up a new hobby. It can also be challenges of life that necessitate change—a relationship that is no longer working, a sick loved one, a work environment or career that does not fit our needs. Whatever the impetus, it can be a scary and overwhelming time, especially for highly sensitive people (HSPs).
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Imagine this scenario:
You notice something is off. Every time you ask your teen daughter how she is doing, she just says, “I’m fine.” It’s frustrating because you know there’s more going on than “just fine” because you are feeling it. You’ve felt the shift in her behavior and mood for a while now. Maybe you’ve even asked Dr. Google late at night, putting in her behaviors and words— searching desperately for answers to that nagging in your gut that something is wrong.
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Have you noticed any changes in yourself lately? Maybe you have a harder-than-usual time of getting out of bed in the morning, and you’ve been sleeping a lot. Or, you can’t seem to shake this feeling of “meh.” Things may not seem very fun or interesting because you just don’t really care. You might find yourself not wanting to go anywhere in the evenings and spending more time bingeing on shows and vegging out. With this low energy and desire to hibernate, you may also notice that you’re spending more time alone or not connecting as well with your partner, friends or loved ones.
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I was blown away when I learned that this was possible. I know, combining these two traits sounds like a total oxymoron, right? How can a person both be sensitive to stimuli and their environment, feel emotions deeply, be thoroughly analytical and think-before-acting AND want MORE intensity, excitement, adventure, newness? Well, because we human beings are incredibly complex! I also knew as soon as I heard the high sensation seeker (HSS) term that that must be me, just like I knew the instant I heard of a highly sensitive person (HSP) that I too was one.
Luckily, there’s also research to back up each of these traits. (Because, you know how we HSPs can overanalyze to the point we completely doubt ourselves.)
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Do you notice that your teen goes through these times when it seems like their entire body has been overtaken by emotion? Almost as if they’ve been consumed by a strange creature, and you’re not sure what’s going to be left when it’s all said and done?? You see a full-on Hulk standing in your living room where your once-lovely child was.
Yep, most teens go through times of HUGE emotions, and most parents of teens have been there, seen that! Due to the physiological processes occurring in teens as their brains grow and develop and as their hormones and body chemistry changes, feeling really big feelings is something most teens experience from time to time. And, it ain’t pretty. Not for teens and not for those who love them. Often, parents can feel like, “Wait, seriously? Seriously? We’re doing this AGAIN?”
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Anxiety. It’s such a normal and a dreaded emotion. And, I mean, dreaaaad-ed. We’ll go to all kinds of lengths to avoid, push down, squash and completely ignore anxiety. Why? Probably because it feels pretty awful. Personally, I hate the stomach-churning, chest-tightening, breath-shortening, shaky and somewhat nauseous sensations that accompany anxiety for me. Anxiety can also include sweatiness, dry mouth, racing heart, inability to think clearly or, basically, to make any kind of rational decision. No wonder we hate it!
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Have you ever stopped and thought about all the qualities that make you uniquely you, dear highly sensitive person? Yes, yes, as an HSP, you might already be over-analyzing. If you’re having a bad day or in low spirits, you might be telling yourself there’s nothing so special about you. Or, you might be able to write an essay describing yourself with all that wonderful insight you have. No matter how you’re feeling right now, no matter what kind of day it is, I first invite you to take some time--today or within this next week--for yourself and the following exercise.
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Recently, I learned about a smartphone app that left me confused and shaking my head in wonderment. By the way, anyone else here feel like there’s some NEW app or online program or device to worry about Every. Single. Day? Uh huh, me too. No wonder so many parents and families and schools are trying to sort out how to educate and protect kids in this millennium!
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We can feel that "fear of missing out" about so many life experiences, and the holiday season is no different. This time of year can bring up soooo many different feelings, even within the same person. Some people have a childlike sense of wonder with the traditions and lights and parties. Others might enjoy the festivities but dread the stress of getting it all done. Still others can be left longing for more or hurting because they don’t have the people or relationships or traditions they want in their lives at this time of year.
Dear friends, this article is for those of you in this latter category.
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We all need support. As humans, we’re social creatures. This means, biologically, we're wired to live in groups, work together and connect with other people. How we do this and how much we do this certainly varies based on our individual preferences, life experience, personality traits and so on. This need for positive encouraging support can be even more crucial for HSPs (highly sensitive people).
Why?
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There MUST be boundaries around technology! Yup, I said it. Boundaries are a must-have when raising a child today in a digitally dominated era. I see more and more teens come into my office with their phones dinging and buzzing in their hands—demanding their precious attention and time. And, we all know how tantalizing those notifications are—ever tried not to check your phone when you know you just received a text?
This is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are how we create safe and constructive separations around people, places, and things. As adults, we have boundaries for all kinds of things—not sharing Trump’s latest Tweet at the dinner table, saving that beer for the end of our workday or not checking our work emails on Sundays. Boundaries keep us in a healthy check with the world and its multitude of demands and distractions.
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We all know dating can be hard! Especially in the Tinder-driven, ghosting, throw away world of modern dating. But, dating is kinda one of those evils we live with because how else are ya gonna meet someone? Then, you meet someone who seems really great, but you know he's been hurt before. So, you tread carefully, but what next?
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Have you ever stopped and really paid attention to the thoughts running through your head? Ever really listened to what your thoughts say to you about you? Notice how it can feel like you have the harshest critic in the world living in your own head? Our thoughts can be total jerks! As human beings, we have this tendency to talk to ourselves in ways we would never dream of speaking to anyone else, and this is especially true for us HSPs (highly sensitive people).
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So, one of the best things we can do for our teens is to help them learn to be kind to themselves. Such kindness can be referred to as self-compassion, and there’s now a chunk of research that shows that self-compassion is really effective in helping people feel better and be happier. In fact, it’s argued that self-compassion is even more helpful than self-esteem, which requires us to rate ourselves and our abilities. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is the recognition that we all deserve kindness and caring just because we’re alive. It’s not earned; it’s a basic right.
Where do we start?
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I realize that I’ve been practicing meditation for about 7 years now. <lets out a low whistle.> I’m both proud and shocked at how long that sounds. I also feel some immediate imposter syndrome kick in and want to make sure you know that I am in no way some kind of meditation guru. Not. Even. Close. My journey with meditation has been stop and go. Sometimes I’m off for a while before I get back on the path again.I definitely do not believe there is only one way to meditate, but if there’s only one way that works or resonates for you—that’s okay too. I’m of the find-what-works-for-you-and-do-it approach.
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Parenting in the digital age is tough! Parents are constantly asking: “Should I monitor my teens Facebook? What are they posting on Snapchat? Should I even be worried?”I mean, it’s not like you get a “How To” guide on monitoring Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook or YouTube! It’s natural to be a little anxious on what your teen is possibly being exposed to or doing online. (Especially after you’ve already being declined as a ‘friend’ on your teens’ facebook.)
Disclaimer: this article covers a particularly sensitive topic—teens sending one another graphic images. If this isn’t a topic you want to explore, best to stop reading here.
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- There’s a whole range of how depressed a person can be.
a. On one end of the spectrum, people may still go to work or school, spend time with friends and family and keep pursuing their hobbies. However, they find they just don’t care very much. Or their energy is really low. Or it feels like life went gray (remember Pleasantville? Yea, gray like that.)---nothing else changed but everything is less exciting, less interesting, more boring or blah. The people who care about them may have no idea anything is wrong. They keep going along in life as always, but they know things are off. They really want to just feel lighter, more like themselves or more like how they think they could be.
b. At the more extreme end of the spectrum, people may not get out of bed. They may cry all day or lie around and binge on Netflix for days and weeks. They may feel so horrible that they don’t want to live anymore. The more intense depressive symptoms are easier to recognize. They’re also very painful for the people experiencing them and for their loved ones.
- Depression can occur at any age and at any point in life. We’re not immune to depression past a certain point in life, nor are we too naive as kids or teens to become depressed.
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